INT. TV STUDIO - DAY/NIGHT
MUSIC & OPENING CREDITS FINISH. INTERVIEWER NIGEL PONCE SITS IN HIS CHAIR, FACING THE PROGRAMME'S GUEST, SIR REGINALD BARKING.
NIGEL
Good evening, viewers, and welcome to Discourse. Tonight on the programme we have Sir Reginald Barking, head of the Government's new regulatory body, OFAIR. Sir Reginald, first, can you tell us what the new body does?
REG
Well, Nigel, essentially we are committed to the provision of safe, clean air for the consumers, and protect the supply of air to them. I mean, when you have 1.5 billion Chinese all breathing at once, we have to do our bit to ensure that British consumers are getting their own air, and that's not easy.
NIGEL
Many people are up in arms about the new oxygen meters that you are going to be installing.
REG
We feel it's important to regulate the oxygen that people use, to ensure that it's not being wasted. I mean, the Amazon rainforest isn't getting any larger is it? If we can all do our bit to use just a little less oxygen, then we're helping our children, and our children's children.
NIGEL
Isn't oxygen metering just another way of grabbing people's cash?
REG
No, not at all. There are many good reasons for it. Messages about reducing oxygen use in the home are just not getting through, so we felt this was the best way of raising people's oxygen awareness.
NIGEL
How much will these meters cost?
REG
They are absolutely free, Nigel. Also, our teams are happy to conduct free tests to ensure your home isn't leaking oxygen. If your house isn't airtight, we'll seal it up for free.
NIGEL
Won't that lead to people suffocating?
REG
Uh, er… in tests we had no problems along those lines.
NIGEL
And what about the poor? And the pensioners? Will they be able to afford to breathe?
REG
People will have to decide where their priorities lie, do they want to breathe, or do they want to go out binge drinking and gambling, and otherwise just wasting their money. This will make them think.
NIGEL
Sir Reginald, you're barking.