Door To Door (posties) Sitcom script :) Page 2

Hi Random,

I enjoyed reading it but I didn't find it particularly funny I'm sorry to say. I thought that the dialogue around the issue of the sacking was a bit contrived and forced too I'm afraid.

I was also struggling to see where it was all heading, I appreciate it's only the first scene but I didn't feel as though I learnt all that much by the end. There was perhaps too much banter and not enough that actually drove the plot forward.

You've said you'll do a thorough spell check before it goes out but watch out for 'to' instead of 'too' and 'your' instead of 'you're' as they cropped up and may not be pointed out.

Good luck with it.

Thanks sbaon

This is my first ever sitcom script, not using that as an excuse, I'm learning, so any advice is appreciated.

I had hoped it was more natural than contrived.

RE: 'too much banter and not enough that actually drove the plot forward', I had thought I may have managed to balance things out, setting up the episode plot whist finding out a little from some of the characters amongst natural (hopefully fuuny at times) dialogue/banter.

All taken on board.

And thanks also for the mention of spellings.

As far as I'm aware, the characters ages should be in the opening directions rather than as part of the dialogue.

The direction of: "WE NOTICE NEVILLE'S SHIRT IS VERY CREASED." is rather an odd one. Would that be a close up on the shirt at the moment?

I think the main problem with this is that it's far too long and contains too much exposition. The plot is supposed to be about Deano losing his job, but that's established on page 3. The next 7 pages just contain banter and insults. It's more like a pub conversation than a sitcom.

Cheers Ben

If I included ages in the opening direction it would be harder to grasp.

Surely you've got to give something up character wise? I believe it had to be plot driven, character driven or funny. I had hoped I'd done, or got close. Maybe not!

Was also unsure regarding the length of the scene.

Many thanks

Quote: random @ March 30 2009, 4:31 PM BST

Surely you've got to give something up character wise? I believe it had to be plot driven, character driven or funny. I had hoped I'd done, or got close. Maybe not!

Was also unsure regarding the length of the scene.

View original

I believe that each piece of dialogue should strive to tell something about character, move the plot forward and be funny. Not always possible but something to aim for.

Random, have you read Marc Blake's book on sitcom writing, I'd recommend it. I think it's about a fiver from Amazon if you haven't.

Quote: random @ March 30 2009, 4:31 PM BST

If I included ages in the opening direction it would be harder to grasp.

View original

Maybe I didn't explain it well enough. I meant that:

CEREAL: (AGED 34)
Blah blah blah.

Should be

CEREAL:
Blah blah blah.

It's a mere formatting error.

Quote: steve by any other name @ March 30 2009, 4:48 PM BST

I believe that each piece of dialogue should strive to tell something about character, move the plot forward and be funny. Not always possible but something to aim for.

Random, have you read Marc Blake's book on sitcom writing, I'd recommend it. I think it's about a fiver from Amazon if you haven't.

View original

Have the book, good read, can't you tell

Quote: Ben @ March 30 2009, 4:48 PM BST

Maybe I didn't explain it well enough. I meant that:

CEREAL: (AGED 34)
Blah blah blah.

Should be

CEREAL:
Blah blah blah.

It's a mere formatting error.

View original

With you Ben, is it an essential?

I saw that Chris Forshaw liked it. I having both of your sitcom extracts you are both quite similar writers. You might work well together on something.

Off the subject a bit.

I think Tigger was a Tigger not a tiger. He was his own breed of animal.

Quote: Tom G @ March 30 2009, 5:24 PM BST

I saw that Chris Forshaw liked it. I having both of your sitcom extracts you are both quite similar writers. You might work well together on something.

Off the subject a bit.

I think Tigger was a Tigger not a tiger. He was his own breed of animal.

View original

RE: CF, keep that in mind

The wonderful thing about Tigger is that Tigger's a wonderful thing.
His top is made out of rubber. His bottom is made out of spring.
He's bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun fun.
The wonderful wonderful thing about Tigger is he's the only one.

'he's the only one', so maybe you're correct, if he were a Tiger he wouldn't be the only one!

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ March 30 2009, 12:17 PM BST

I would defiantly be interested to read more.

View original

Freudian slip, typo, or otherwise?

Random,

I'm no master of the art - but here are a few thoughts.

1. I thought the number of characters was fine.
2. Dialogue was realistic, and the characters have their own voices.
3. I personally felt it was a little gag light, and some of the gags were people making gags as oppossed to taking the story forward.
4. If I've learnt anything on this forums its get in and out quick ( Said the vicar to the actress),I know I don't always ( never) practice it. Drive the story forward at all times, at the moment all we know is that Deano is going to have a meeting soon to discuss his position. You could have got that across in less than a minute. As someone else said the rest is just banter and I assume doesn't drive the story forward.

Saying that I know it is hard, especially with a first episode and you are trying to introduce all the characters.

Hope this helps and isn't just mindless drivel.

Cheers bigfella, appreciated

Thanks for your points.

I'm aware this scene maybe a wee bit on the long side, so probably will cut some but...

I know what you're saying but surely their has to be story, character and gags, not just story, story and story?

Many thanks

Quote: random @ March 30 2009, 7:23 PM BST

I know what you're saying but surely their has to be story, character and gags, not just story, story and story?

Many thanks

View original

Yes and no.

DEANO: (SIGHS)
Today's the day I find out if I'm getting the sack or not.

This is driving the story forward, it's about Deanos sacking. ( Nice gag from Sue about what is he going to do when he loses his job)

But the bit about Neville's wife I felt didn't add to the progression of the story.

But hey I might be talking bollocks! If I knew the answers I'd be in villa somewhere hot being rich. And I'm not.

Yeah, fully understand with the above snippit driving the story forward.

Does this not leave it open to explore a little more about the other character/s, for instance Neville. At the end of this first scene you will not only know the plot line but also know more about Neville (and obviously a little more about the others)

Maybe I've done too much of this, dunno, but I do also want realism not obvious.

In hope of more feedback, 50 people have downloaded but only 9 have commented.

Thanks again to those that have.