2 topical sketches about our sad and sorry world

PAUL DANIELS, BARRY SCOTT AND MAGGIE THATCHER ARE ON STAGE.

PAUL
He he I'm Paul Daniels and that's tragic.
BARRY
Bang and I'm Barry Scott!
THATCHER
I'm Margaret Thatcher and I've gone on and on.
VO
This advert has been sponsored by the Department of Health. Because sometimes abortion is the best answer.

PC IVOR TRUNCHEON IS BEING INTERROGATED BY HIS SERGEANT.
SERGEANT
PC Ivor Truncheon would you mind telling me what your order were for the G20 conference?
PC
Yes sir! Patrol the City centre and arrest any dubious characters then take them back for a severe truncheoning.
SERGEANT
So we're thinking anarchists, revoloutinaries, criminals etc.
PC
Yes sir!
SERGEANT
Well PC would you mind telling me what the bloody hell President Weng Jilbao of China is doing in the cells? And why has he got 2 blacks eyes, a fat lip and why half one of his testicles is AWOL?
PC
He had a case containing 4 grenades and a Kalashnikov.
SERGEANT
Samples for an arms deal with Saudi Arabia. Which leads me on to my second question, why is the crown prince of Saudi Arabia currently in the cells with a very sore bottom?
PC
Well he was buying the arms. The gentleman was wearing a dress and he kept shouting at the WPCs that they were vile whores and to take their hands off him. We assumed he was a homosexual and locked him up with the sex offenders.
SERGEANT
Oh dear God. Can you at least tell me where the Prime minister is?
PC
Who?
SERGEANT
Scots bloke, one eye, looks a bit like Bagpuss with a stroke.
PC
Well we did lock up a Scottish gentleman who was ranting on about saving the economy by giving failing banks billions of pounds. We assumed he was drunk.
SERGEANT
Oh dear did you arrest any actual trouble makers?
PC
Well we've got Mark Thomas and Billy Bragg in the canteen.
SERGEANT
That sounds better. Giving them the third degree eh?
PC
No sir when they saw us dragging off all those hypocritical, thieving tossers they decided to give us a free concert.

Both good ones Sooty!

Brilliant. Loved them both sooty, thanks for sharing. First one is my favourite.

Craig

A MUM IS TALKING TO A TEACHER WHILST HER SULLEN TEENAGE DAUGHTER TEXTS
MUM
Mr Jones I am bloody furious! I've been reading my Shelley's diary and it's disgusting.
TEACHER
Yes young Shelley's spelling is quite poor. But we don't want to worry too much about these days stifles the girls.
MUM
It's not her spelling I'm bloody worried about. It's all felatio, sodomy and stuff bloody Gareth Gates wouldn't do!
TEACHER
Well what the girls choose to do in their spare time is their business.
MUM
It's what they're getting up into their bloody safe sex classes. Why do you teach this filth?
TEACHER
Because the GCSE in safe sex is the only one any of these ignorant spunk sacks can pass.
TEENAGE
I got 85% in my practical didn't I sir.
TEACHER
Yes you did Shelley and remember you can't have an A with out anal.

Another topical.

2 PENSIONERS AND SIR FRED GOODWIN IN A QUEUE.

PENSIONER1
Ee I'm so broke I'm eating cat food.

PENSIONER2
I'm so broke I had to eat the cat. If I ever get my hands on that Fred Goodwin.

WOMEN AT COUNTER.
Aah Sir Fred...

FRED
Shhh don't tell anyone one who I am the pensioners will give me a thumping.

WOMEN AT COUNTER
Sorry sir. Here's your pension for this week.

HANDS HIM A BIN LINER FULL OF MONEY.

PENSIONERS
It's him Fred Good-Swindle get him.

CHASE HIM OFF STAGE.

2 PENSIONERS AND SIR FRED GOODWIN ARE QUEUING AT A BAR.

PENSIONER1
Ee I'm so broke I'm just going to ask if I can drink the slops tray.

PENSIONER2
I'm so broke I'm going to go round the bar being rude about Jade Goody and hoping thrown beer in my face. If I ever get my hand on that Fred Goodwin.

BARMAID
Here's your shandy and crisps Sir Fred,

FRED
Shhhh don't let people know it's me. Now have you got change for a £500 note.

PENSIONER2
It's him Fred Good-Bling.

THEY CHASE HIM OFF STAGE.

2 PENSIONERS AND SIR FRED GOODWIN ARE QUEUING ON STAGE.

PENSIONER1 TALKING TO GIRL AT THE COUNTER.
It's my cat he's missing.

WOMAN AT COUNTER
Can you describe him?

PENSIONER1
Well he does like his dinner and he's very fat.

PENSIONER2
We had a whip round and raised £50 for who ever finds him.

WOMEN AT COUNTER
£50 Reward for a greedy fat cat.

FRED
Hey I'm Sur Fred Goodwin where's my reward, uh oh.

PENSIONER1
First we've got to crown you.

THE PENSIONERS BEAT HIM TO DEATH.