Got my script back from Writersroom Page 6

I recently heard a talk from a Hollywood script reader and apparently they hate it when writers try to be 'clever' and make little jokes like the one in Mikey's original script about the duvet covering the girl's chest.

They also don't like directions that are too prose-y (the gist was 'why don't you just write a novel?') and like the dialogue to do most of the 'explaining'.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ March 28 2009, 12:51 PM GMT

I would just like to add my own edit of this scene. I would change the last line, because I don't she would 'smile'.
I think this would work better.

SHE FROWNS AND THEN LIES BACK AND SHAKES HER HEAD PLANNING HOW SHE WILL TRACK HIM DOWN, SMASH THE LIGHTS IN ON HIS CAR AND POST DOG POO THROUGH HIS LETTER BOX.

View original

And if you're wondering a good enough actress (like myself) could convey this with just one look.

I know you're only kidding Mikey but it is best not to be too tricksy with the stage directions. It's the story and your characters that you want the reader to be engaging with - not you. It's like you are poping up and saying to the reader - did you see what I'm doing here. It distracts from that engagement that you are working so had to achieve.

Remember the mantra of entropic minamalism, more and more with less and less.

Yeah, but surely you can do a LITTLE bit of it.

As discussed loads of times on here, surely you have to make it an enjoyable read for the reader.
"Cat sat on the mat, he did this, he opened the door" is just plain dull; devoid of a voice.

I've picked up things like tongue-in-cheeks and prosiness from scripts I've read on WR. (Russell T Davies is ALWAYS doing it)

I've recently read the "Being Human" opening episode on Writersoom and there are snippets of it scattered throughout it, albeit liberally of course.

Anyway.
Much appreciation for all your input.

It's Saturday night. I need to get pissed. Buyeeeeeee.

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ March 28 2009, 6:58 PM GMT

Yeah, but surely you can do a LITTLE bit of it.

As discussed loads of times on here, surely you have to make it an enjoyable read for the reader.
"Cat sat on the mat, he did this, he opened the door" is just plain dull; devoid of a voice.

I've picked up things like tongue-in-cheeks and prosiness from scripts I've read on WR. (Russell T Davies is ALWAYS doing it)

I've recently read the "Being Human" opening episode on Writersoom and there are snippets of it scattered throughout it, albeit liberally of course.

Anyway.
Much appreciation for all your input.

It's Saturday night. I need to get pissed. Buyeeeeeee.

View original

Alright then mate, best of luck!

Quote: Marc P @ March 28 2009, 12:40 PM GMT

We are curious about him and we learn later that he is off to do community service when we meet him in the scene actually doing it rather than talking about it.

View original

Yes, Marc P. A definite improvement.

Quote: Morrace @ March 28 2009, 8:49 PM GMT

Yes, Marc P. A definite improvement.

View original

Put your thumb up then rather than your finger!

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ March 28 2009, 12:51 PM GMT

I would just like to add my own edit of this scene. I would change the last line, because I don't she would 'smile'.
I think this would work better.

SHE FROWNS AND THEN LIES BACK AND SHAKES HER HEAD PLANNING HOW SHE WILL TRACK HIM DOWN, SMASH THE LIGHTS IN ON HIS CAR AND POST DOG POO THROUGH HIS LETTER BOX.

View original

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ March 28 2009, 6:18 PM GMT

And if you're wondering a good enough actress (like myself) could convey this with just one look.

View original

Anybody else want to see this?

Quote: Graham Bandage @ March 28 2009, 10:41 PM GMT

Anybody else want to see this?

View original

No. I want to see the previous scene.

Quote: Marc P @ March 28 2009, 10:31 PM GMT

Put your thumb up then rather than your finger!

View original

Certainly!

Quote: Graham Bandage @ March 28 2009, 10:41 PM GMT

Anybody else want to see this?

View original

I warn you it's pretty scary.

Here you go... re-rewritten....

INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT.

DOLLY DAGGER GOING AT IT HAMMER AND TONGS, LOTS OF OOHS AND AHHS, MULTI-POSITIONS, FULL FRONTAL.
YOU'D DEFINITELY WANT TO SKY+ THIS AND PEDDLE IT OVER THE INTERNET.

LASTS FOR HOURS.

CUT TO:

FINAL EPISODE:

INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT.

THE TOSSER HAS GONE. GIVEN HER A FALSE PHONE NUMBER.

SHE FROWNS AND THEN LIES BACK AND SHAKES HER HEAD PLANNING HOW SHE WILL TRACK HIM DOWN, SMASH THE LIGHTS IN ON HIS CAR AND POST DOG POO THROUGH HIS LETTER BOX.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE TOSSER'S HOUSE. DAY.

SMASHES THE LIGHTS IN ON HIS CAR AND POSTS DOG POO THROUGH HIS LETTER BOX.

THE END.

It all sounds very familiar....

It could do with a knob gag.

It's a bit "dog shat on the mat".

Quote: Marc P @ March 29 2009, 2:44 PM BST

It could do with a knob gag.

View original

OK - Hazabaht?

+++++++++++++++++

DD:
What's that funny looking purple thing?

TOSSER:
That's my knob.

DD:
Can you give it a quick twist and get the f**k out of my bedroom then.

DD LEANS BACK ON PILLOWS AND MUSES "WHAT A STRANGE PLACE AND INDEED A PECULIAR COLOUR FOR A PIECE OF DOOR FURNITURE"

++++++++++

Yes indeed ladies and gentlemen. What? Not very good? What do you want for nothing...Ben Bloody Elton?

It could do with a knob gag.

Arggh, I knew there was something missing.

It's a bit "dog shat on the mat".

Ha, I certainly set myself up for that one.