Got my script back from Writersroom Page 5

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ March 27 2009, 9:16 PM GMT

That script WAS sent to WR as "new page each scene" .... I merely got rid of the page breaks before uploading it.

I remember there being a debate about this a few months ago.
I do recall someone saying it doesn't matter for spec scripts.

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I'm not saying don't do it; do put each new scene on a new page if you like, I'm just saying it's not the sort of thing to worry yourself with for even a second, because the scripts fate won't even vaguely hang on it. I don't personally put each new scene on a new page, in the main, and I've had stuff picked up. If a producer wants you to alter anything about the formatting, after they've picked it up and said how much they love it, then that's the time to think about it. As long as the formatting is vaguely right then you'll be fine.

The formatting doesn't have to be spot on, the actual content does.

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ March 27 2009, 9:21 PM GMT

But I won't send it as I know it'll be an expensive series to make.

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But it might get you noticed! It can be what's called a 'calling card script', which can get you a lot of attention, work, an agent, all whilst never actually being made.

MJ, can I ask, did you let anyone else read this prior to sending?

Also, how long did it take 'till the Writersroom got back to you on this?

No one else read it... well, apart from my girlfriend, who is NOT a "ooh it's great" person, I might add.

And it took about 2 months for them to get back to me.

Thx.

But it might get you noticed! It can be what's called a 'calling card script', which can get you a lot of attention, work, an agent, all whilst never actually being made

Never though of that. Cheers, Matthew.

I hope it DOES eventually get made.
I was saving it for when I'm established enough to say "This will cost you millions, but it's worth it. lol

And if they do want to jump at you, they might think of a cheaper way to make it that you hadn't.

I agree with the thinking behind Morrace's edit Mikey, particularly with regard to the stage directions. I can see what you were doing with the use of 'Now' for example to give a sense of immediacy to the scene, but it comes across as a bit 'excited' for what isn't necessarily exciting in the scene. By the writersroom blogs I meant the ones recently from Paul Ashton, particularly the one about dialogue and expostion. Making it real, i.e people not talking about things they either already know or don't need to know but talk about it anyway to impart info to the audience. Sometimes the best way to do this is to hide it in a joke - which as you are writing a comedy/drama makes it handy.I think you can go even further than Morrace suggested. I won't edit the scene again, as such, but if it was me writing it I would have cut it right down to something like this.

____________________

1 INT WOMAN'S BEDROOM DAY

WENDY A YOUNG, QUITE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, EARLY 20S STIRS IN BED. SHE'S BLURRY EYED, TOUSLE HAIRED AND CLEARLY VERY HUNGOVER. SHE BLINKS AT STEVE WHO IS SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE BED, PUTTING ON HIS TROUSERS. HE IS EARLY 20S, HANDSOME, 'DESIGNER' CLOTHES.

WENDY:
Oh my god...

SHE STRUGGLES TO REMEMEMBER

STEVE:
Jack.

WOMAN:
Did we...?

STEVE GRINS VERY SATISFIED.

STEVE:
Oh yeah!

WENDY:
Did we take precautions?

STEVE MOVES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT AND GRINS AGAIN.

STEVE:
Course we did. I gave you a false name and number. I'll bell you later.

HE LEAVES. THE WOMAN PICKS UP HER MOBILE ON HER BEDSIDE CABINET AND A PIECE OF NOTEPAPER WITH 'JACK' AND A NUMBER SCRIBBLED ON IT, THEN DIALS THE NUMBER AND LISTENS.

FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
This number has not been recognised. Please check and try again.

SHE FROWNS AND THEN LIES BACK AND SHAKES HER HEAD WITH A SMILE.

_______________________

Alright an old gag, an am not suggesting you use it - just illustrating about paring down making every line organic -but it tells us all we need to know here about Steve. We are curious about him and we learn later that he is off to do community service when we meet him in the scene actually doing it rather than talking about it.

Hope the edit's going well.

Marc

Quote: Marc P @ March 28 2009, 12:40 PM GMT

____________________

1 INT WOMAN'S BEDROOM DAY

WENDY A YOUNG, QUITE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, EARLY 20S STIRS IN BED. SHE'S BLURRY EYED, TOUSLE HAIRED AND CLEARLY VERY HUNGOVER. SHE BLINKS AT STEVE WHO IS SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE BED, PUTTING ON HIS TROUSERS. HE IS EARLY 20S, HANDSOME, 'DESIGNER' CLOTHES.

WENDY:
Oh my god...

SHE STRUGGLES TO REMEMEMBER

STEVE:
Jack.

WOMAN:
Did we...?

STEVE GRINS VERY SATISFIED.

STEVE:
Oh yeah!

WENDY:
Did we take precautions?

STEVE MOVES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT AND GRINS AGAIN.

STEVE:
Course we did. I gave you a false name and number. I'll bell you later.

HE LEAVES. THE WOMAN PICKS UP HER MOBILE ON HER BEDSIDE CABINET AND A PIECE OF NOTEPAPER WITH 'JACK' AND A NUMBER SCRIBBLED ON IT, THEN DIALS THE NUMBER AND LISTENS.

FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
This number has not been recognised. Please check and try again.

SHE FROWNS AND THEN LIES BACK AND SHAKES HER HEAD WITH A SMILE.

_______________________

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I would just like to add my own edit of this scene. I would change the last line, because I don't she would 'smile'.
I think this would work better.

SHE FROWNS AND THEN LIES BACK AND SHAKES HER HEAD PLANNING HOW SHE WILL TRACK HIM DOWN, SMASH THE LIGHTS IN ON HIS CAR AND POST DOG POO THROUGH HIS LETTER BOX.

Quote: Marc P @ March 28 2009, 12:40 PM GMT

____________________

1 INT WOMAN'S BEDROOM DAY

WENDY A YOUNG, QUITE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, EARLY 20S STIRS IN BED. SHE'S BLURRY EYED, TOUSLE HAIRED AND CLEARLY VERY HUNGOVER. SHE BLINKS AT STEVE WHO IS SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE BED, PUTTING ON HIS TROUSERS. HE IS EARLY 20S, HANDSOME, 'DESIGNER' CLOTHES.

WENDY:
Oh my god...

SHE STRUGGLES TO REMEMEMBER

STEVE:
Jack.

WOMAN:
Did we...?

STEVE GRINS VERY SATISFIED.

STEVE:
Oh yeah!

WENDY:
Did we take precautions?

STEVE MOVES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT AND GRINS AGAIN.

STEVE:
Course we did. I gave you a false name and number. I'll bell you later.

HE LEAVES. THE WOMAN PICKS UP HER MOBILE ON HER BEDSIDE CABINET AND A PIECE OF NOTEPAPER WITH 'JACK' AND A NUMBER SCRIBBLED ON IT, THEN DIALS THE NUMBER AND LISTENS.

FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE:
This number has not been recognised. Please check and try again.

SHE FROWNS AND THEN LIES BACK AND SHAKES HER HEAD WITH A SMILE.

_______________________

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Good stuff Marc! Anyone would think you wrote for a living!

You're getting a lot of valuable feedback in this thread Mikey!

Shiti 'nora, Marc P's got her down to 158 words

(almost half the original)

As they say, writing is re-writing.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ March 28 2009, 1:50 PM GMT

As they say, writing is re-writing.

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And I do loads of that

Quote: Marc P @ March 28 2009, 12:40 PM GMT

SHE STRUGGLES TO REMEMEMBER

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YES, SHE'S FORGOGOTTEN.

SHE FROWNS AND THEN LIES BACK AND SHAKES HER HEAD PLANNING HOW SHE WILL TRACK HIM DOWN, SMASH THE LIGHTS IN ON HIS CAR AND POST DOG POO THROUGH HIS LETTER BOX.

LOL. Love it!

You're getting a lot of valuable feedback in this thread Mikey!

I sure am. And I appreciate it immensely.

Only thing is with Marc's and Morrace's example "rewrites"... my prosey trademark bits are lost. My "shaking off morning slumbers" and "expensive-looking shirt oozing style and individuality" snippets.

And, yeah, I see what Marc means about exposition and organic dialogue.

Thanks everybody.

And yes, rewrites are churning out a completely new beginning, straight into the action.

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ March 28 2009, 5:30 PM GMT

Only thing is with Marc's and Morrace's example "rewrites"... my prosey trademark bits are lost. My "shaking off morning slumbers" and "expensive-looking shirt oozing style and individuality" snippets.

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I know you're only kidding Mikey but it is best not to be too tricksy with the stage directions. It's the story and your characters that you want the reader to be engaging with - not you. It's like you are poping up and saying to the reader - did you see what I'm doing here. It distracts from that engagement that you are working so had to achieve.

Remember the mantra of entropic minamalism, more and more with less and less.

Quote: Marc P @ March 28 2009, 6:03 PM GMT

Remember the mantra of entropic minamalism, more and more with less and less.

View original

Or, more with less.