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http://davidbussell.podomatic.com/entry/2009-04-20T15_03_15-07_00
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A radio sketch.
INT. INTERVIEW ROOM
MISTER JOHNSON:
We're so glad you could come out today, Mister Mansfield, especially in this awful weather.
MISTER MANSFIELD:
It's my pleasure, really.
MISTER JOHNSON:
Just before you go I'd like to say… we'd be very happy to offer you the position.
MISTER MANSFIELD:
Really? Right away? That's great!
MISTER JOHNSON:
Just give me a minute and we'll make it official. (TO INTERCOM) Lindsay, can you bring in Mister Mansfield's paperwork, please?
F/X: THE DOOR OPENS, PAPERS ARE HANDED OVER.
MISTER JOHNSON (CONT):
Thank you, Lindsay. Alright, Mister Mansfield, you'll find the name of your target in the envelope and the rifle's in the briefcase.
MISTER MANSFIELD:
I'm sorry - rifle?
MISTER JOHNSON:
You're the close quarters type, are you? Not to worry, I'll get Lindsay on it. (TO INTERCOM) Lindsay, can you bring Mister Mansfield a stiletto knife, please?
MISTER MANSFIELD:
I don't want a knife!
MISTER JOHNSON:
(TO INTERCOM) Make that a poisoned umbrella.
MISTER MANSFIELD:
I think there's been a misunderstanding. The agency didn't mention anything about rifles or knives.
MISTER JOHNSON:
But you know this is contract job, obviously?
MISTER MANSFIELD:
I didn't know it was that kind of contract!
MISTER JOHNSON:
(SIGH) You realise Chris is going to be very unhappy about this.
MISTER MANSFIELD:
Who's Chris?
MISTER JOHNSON:
He's the man in personnel who's going to have to straighten this all out. Also he was your target, so it's mixed news for him really.
MISTER MANSFIELD:
I don't understand - what made you think I was a hitman? I could never kill anyone!
MISTER JOHNSON:
Then what's this on your CV about targeting brains?
MISTER MANSFIELD:
That's "targeted brainstorming".
MISTER JOHNSON:
Hmmm. Well, you have a military history at least, I know that much. Tank driver, weren't you?
MISTER MANSFIELD:
Actually, I was the driving force behind a "think tank". I don't even have a drivers licence.
MISTER JOHNSON:
Really, why's that?
MISTER MANSFIELD:
I had it taken away for speeding.
MISTER JOHNSON:
(GASPS) Well, we certainly can't do business with a criminal!
MISTER MANSFIELD:
But…
MISTER JOHNSON:
Goodbye, Mister Mansfield! And please send in the next applicant on your way out.
MISTER MANSFIELD:
Er, okay then.
MISTER JOHNSON:
Do help yourself to an umbrella.
MISTER MANSFIELD:
Is it…?
MISTER JOHNSON:
Poisoned? No, it's just to keep the rain off you.
MISTER MANSFIELD:
(CONFUSED) Okay, bye then.
F/X: MISTER MANSFIELD LET'S HIMSELF OUT. A MOMENT LATER THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
MISTER WALKER:
Hello, I'm here for the interview.
MISTER JOHNSON:
Good afternoon, Mister Walker. I notice it says on your CV that you're an expert trouble shooter.
MISTER WALKER:
That's right.
MISTER JOHNSON:
Here's your briefcase then. Now hurry up to the roof, your target's the one with the bullseye on his umbrella.
THE END