SKETCH COMP 20-27.3.8

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Hi and congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... CHRIS FORSHAW and NITRAM SKIR for winnin'! That's 10 points apiece and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Chris Forshaw
3 - 10 - Nitram Skir
1 - 5 - Leevil
1 - 5 - Otterfox

Your new subject: LEISURE.
Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 27 March

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
86 - Chris Forshaw
82 - Charley Rance
67 - Otterfox
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
55 - Timbo
54 - Michael Monkhouse
48 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Cool Mikado
31 - Paul Watson
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
25 - Afinkawan
22 - Leevil
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
16 - Swerytd
15 - Fred Sunshine
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Tom G
11 - Steven
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Bushbaby
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

INT.HALL LANDING.DAY

A middle-aged man is passing his daughter's closed bedroom door. He stops in his tracks when he overhears giggling and a man's voice

MAN
That's it, put it in your mouth. Keep gripping it tightly. Hmm now gently squeeze the bag, lovely...

DAD (knocking angrily)
What's going on in there?

The dad tries the door and we hear his daughter's voice whispering loudly

DAUGHTER
Oh my God, it's my father!

She calls out

DAUGHTER
Hang on a sec Dad I'm just on my way!

There's the sound of panicked activity from within, then the door is unlocked and the Daughter opens it in a state of undress.

DAUGHTER
Is everything alright?

DAD (barging passed her)
I'll give you 'is everything alright'!

There is a bare-chested man in the bed

MAN
Oh hello Mr. Freeman, Sally and I were er, just having sex!

DAD
Having sex, my arse!

The Dad marches up to the wardrobe and opens it

DAUGHTER
Gasp!

DAD (pulling out a set of bagpipes)
Just as I thought, I warned you didn't I? Get your things and get out!

The man gets out of bed revealing his kilt, stockings and Brogues as the daughter bursts into tears.

INT. LEISURE CENTRE RECEPTION

CUSTOMER
Hi there I'm looking to join the leisure centre what membership deals can you offer me?

RECEPTIONIST
Well we have the bronze membership. This allows you five free sessions in either the gym, swimming pool or any of our other leisure activities for just £10 a month

CUSTOMER
No that doesn't really sound right for me

RECEPTIONIST
Well we have the silver membership, that's just £15 a month for ten free sessions

CUSTOMER
That's still not quite what I had in mind

RECEPTIONIST
Well we have the gold membership, that's £20 a month for 20 free sessions

CUSTOMER
No that's not me either

RECEPTIONIST
Well what sort of deal are you looking for?

CUSTOMER
Well I intend to visit the gym religiously every day for a month, swim every morning for four weeks, play squash every weekend for the month and spend hundreds of pounds on brand new overpriced sports equipment I don't need.

RECEPTIONIST
So you just want a one month membership?

CUSTOMER
No I was looking to sign up for the whole year and have an extortionate fee debited from my account each month despite never coming back after January.

RECEPTIONIST
Oh I see, the New Year's resolution package. The queue is just over there

POINTS TO A HUGE QUEUE OF OBESE PEOPLE IN ILL FITTING SPANDEX

CUSTOMER
Excellent, see you again next year

ENDS

INT. KITCHEN, AFTERNOON

MARY AND JOHN, EARLY FORTIES, ARE SITTING ROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE. JOHN READS THE PAPER, MARY HAS A CUP OF TEA

MARYarling, we've got to talk about Anthony.

JOHN:What about him?

MARY:I've got a feeling he may have been looking at...pornography.

JOHN:Ah. I see.

MARY:What do we do?

JOHN:Erm...I suppose I'll have to have a word with him.

MARY:Well, here he comes now. Don't go mad, just...you know.

JOHN:I know, I know.

ANTHONY, 15, ENTERS THE KITCHEN AND GOES OVER TO THE FRIDGE TO GRAB A DRINK

JOHN:Just a sec, Ant...

ANT:Hmm?

JOHN:Now, your mum thinks that you might have recently been looking at...inappropriate material on the old computer.

ANTHONY REMAINS SILENT

JOHN:Now we don't want to have a go, but...it wasn't...gay stuff...was it?

ANT:What?

JOHN:It wasn't...fellas...at it?

ANT:No – it was...sort of...lesbians.

JOHNh. Good. Well that's sorted then. Off you go, kiddo.

MARY:John!

JOHN:What? Not even lezzers? Oh, let the boy LIVE, Mary!

EXT. A GOLF COURSE - DAY

There are two men stood at the tee which is at the top of a hill. Down hill we can see the hole in the distance and there are a few bunkers and such in the way. Man1 is lining up a shot.

MAN1
So I just hit it yeah? I've never played golf before

MAN2
Yup. It's simple enough

MAN1
Here goes nothing then

Man1 gets a big swing, hits the ball, then throws his club and sprints out of shot to the left. After a moment he runs back into shot, halfway down the course and heading towards the flag. Suddenly, another man runs from behind one of the bunkers, dives, and catches the golf ball cricket style. Man1 stops running and looks disappointed and exhausted. The man who caught the ball does a victory punch.

MAN2
ooooooh unlucky

POSTCARD FROM ABROAD

Dear Wife

Weather's here, wish you were beautiful.

Doing loadsa leisure pursuits. Got my

balls tangled in the tennis net, Lulu

[my trainer] handled them well but she's

good at everything. I nearly drowned

trying to surf but worse than that I'd have

died from hyperthermia had Lulu not held

her body close to mine. It took a lot

convincing Leeroy [her manfriend] that it

was only a life or death embrace.

In return I saved Lulu's life last night

when she was choking to death on a peanut.

I stood behind her and squeezed her chest and

she coughed it up. Leeroy was none too pleased

when he walked in on us and it took a while

assuring him that I wasn't fondling her.

Anyway, we are now the best of friends, I am

with him now as I write. We are sitting on the

edge of a precipice [he's a mountaineer] It

took a lot of conviction and assurance from

him to get me up to the top.

Tomorrow, Lulu's teaching me how to

The Drowning?

A RIVER. TWO 14 YEAR OLD CHILDREN SEAN AND PAUL PLAYING ON A RAFT. HAPPY ATMOSPHERE. SEAN FALLS IN.

PAUL: (Shouts) Sean!!... Noo!!!

PAUL TRIES TO CATCH HIM BUT CANNOT SAVE HIM... CUT TO TEN YEARS LATER. PAUL IS STROLLING ALONG THE BANK OF THE RIVER REMINISING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TEN YEARS PREVIOUSLY. AS HE STROLLS SEAN EMERGES FROM THE WATER FULLY GROWN UP AND GASPING FOR AIR.

PAUL: (ASTONISHED) Sean!?... Oh my God!!

SEAN: (Stumbles out of the water coughing and spluttering) Paul.... I nearly drowned, I nearly drowned.

END.

EXT. A BACK ALLEY - EVENING

A gang of KIDS sit astride their bikes. They are around the 13-16 age. We can't see them all yet, but one of the ones we can see is clearly the LEADER.

KID #1
So are we gonna go down the park?

LEADER
Yeah, in a minute, but there's something I've got to say first. This is hard, but... I think it's time for one of us to leave the gang.

The camera has been panning along the line of kids. It comes to rest on BRIAN, who is last in line, sitting on his bike, dangling a fizzy astro-belt sweet into his mouth. He is at least 25 years old.

The other kids stare at him. He gradually notices.

BRIAN
What?

LEADER
Brian, you knew this day was coming. It's time for you to leave us, go out in the world, get a job, a girlfriend.

BRIAN
But I don't want to! Shut up! Let's go to the park and have a fight. Or... or we can tag the shutters at the newsagents. I've got a new tag I've been working on, with a devil's tail on it and...

LEADER
Brian, you're scared. It's natural. But don't be scared Brian. Here, we've clubbed together and got you these.

He hands over two wrapped gifts.

LEADER (cont'd)
It's a Blackberry and an Amy Winehouse album. You're all grown up now.

Brian looks at the gifts, crestfallen.

BRIAN
I don't want these. I want to throw chips at the pizza shop window.

LEADER
Don't be sad. We're having a leaving party for you tonight.

Brian perks up a little.

BRIAN
A party? For me? At the usual place?

The leader nods.

CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE AN OFF LICENCE - NIGHT

Brian and the kids hang round outside the Off Licence. A MAN walks up to try and go in.

LEADER
Mr! Hey Mr.! Will you buy us some fags and a bottle of 20/20?

The man looks round, thinks about it.

MAN
I suppose.

Brian sidles up.

BRIAN
And could you get me a bottle of wine. Something fruity and Californian.
(pause)
And some football stickers.

Brian looks across to see the Leader looking stern and shaking his head.

BRIAN (cont'd)
...forget the stickers.

END.

I vote Forshaw for sure

Sorry this is late, but hey...thought I'd share

INT. - STUDIO/WIMBLEDON 2009 - DAY

JIMMY (Commentator)
The British fans are arriving here 3 hours early and will be no doubt filled with high hopes. Andrew Murray has overcome some of the top seeds here in the past few days so impressively and with such ease at times, It seems the day has finally come for British tennis to celebrate once again, it has been a long, long time and many of the people at home will not even be old enough to remember the last time we....

The programme gets cut off

5 hours later the channel comes back on

JIMMY
Well Tim, what can you say of that final?

TIM HENMAN (studio guest)
Well Jimmy, I'm absolutely speechless

JIMMY
Yes Tim, I think we all are...but for fu**sake just answer the fu**ing question, all those fu***ng summer days and nights I wasted watching you get fu**ed over and over again, can you not just tell us how the fu** you feel....I mean a British player actually won tonight, and lived up to the hype!

The camera cuts to Tim who is just gazing, bewildered

TIM HENMAN
Did I mention I'm making a comeback?

Cuts to John McCenroe

Programme gets cut off again =)

Cool Mikado gets my vote.

Cool Mikado for me as well.

(Despite the avatar)

I call my girlfriend Spanner. She drives me nuts.

I was going to vote Tom G, but my Internet was down.

I call for an appeal!

There hasn't been vote fixing like this since Ant & Dec hit our screens!