Co-written by Stephen Morris
INT. OFFICE - DAY
JANET SAMARITAN, a young lady wearing an extremely colourful jumper with a baby seal on it sits behind a desk.
The walls of the office are covered with 'cute' posters: cats in wellington boots, dogs in the rain, Patrick Swayze without his top on etc
A phone rings and Janet answers.
During the conversation, Janet is DOODLING on something, but we can't see what.
JANET SAMARITAN
NHS Direct helpline, Janet speaking.
STEVE
I've... I've got a bit of a problem.
JANET SAMARITAN
That's exactly what I'm here for, petal-flower-lovely. Tell me what it is that's bothering you, in your own time.
STEVE
Erm...
JANET SAMARITAN
A bit faster than that.
STEVE
(babbling)
I'm at a funeral...
JANET SAMARITAN
A bit slower. Like, normal human speed, can you do that for me?
STEVE
I'm at a funeral and... it's hard.
JANET SAMARITAN
Ah! Yes, funerals can be hard. I remember I got upset at one once - they're hard on everyone you mustn't feel bad if you fancy a little weep.
STEVE
No! I mean... I'm hard. I've had a massive erection since I got here and it won't go away.
EXT. CEMETARY - CONTINUOUS
STEVE is a few paces away from a funeral party. He does indeed have a hugely bulge-y pant area.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
JANET SAMARITAN
(Pauses) I see, pet... there's a couple of solutions spring to mind. Are there any particularly attractive mourners who could help you out?
STEVE
Are you kidding? What the hell kind of advice is that?
JANET SAMARITAN
Is that a 'no'?
STEVE
Yes, that's a 'no'.
JANET SAMARITAN
I see. Right, the second option is what I like to call the 'frightened turtle'. I want you to think of your wrinkly old Gran in nothing but a g-string and a silky peephole brassiere.
STEVE
What? I'm at my Gran's funeral.
JANET SAMARITAN
That's perfect! Now think of your dead Gran, she's wearing sexy lingerie and she's rubbing her mottled white thighs, and she's whispering 'Give it to me, big boy.'
STEVE
Oh God. I feel sick...
JANET SAMARITAN
You are sick, you dirty little pervert. You should be ashamed of yourself.
STEVE
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
JANET SAMARITAN
I should think so. Your Gran must be rolling in her grave. Rolling, slowly, murmuring "come and get me, Steve, come and get me..."
STEVE
Stop, stop, for the love of God stop! I'll never get another erection again.
JANET SAMARITAN
Wonderful! Can I help you with anything else?
STEVE
No, I... I think you've done enough. You've ruined me.
JANET SAMARITAN
Your granny's wearing hotpants!
STEVE
Aaaagh!
He hangs up. Janet looks pleased. Another, SIMILARLY-DRESSED WOMAN walks up behind Janet's desk. Let's call her STACEY.
STACEY
Hi Janet. Are you doing OK, petal flower lovely? Are you sure you should be at work so soon after splitting up with your boyfriend?
JANET SAMARITAN
Oh, I'm doing fine. Just fine.
She smiles. We see what she has been doodling on: a holiday photo of her and a MAN. She has been writing "bastard bastard bastard" all over the man.
SKETCH ENDS.