Ratatouille

Written for the radio. Based on a true story...

F/XSUPERMARKET SOUNDS, THE NOISE OF SOMEONE STACKING TINS ONTO A SHELF.

DIM WOMAN:Excuse me. Do you work here? Where's the ratatooley?

ASSISTANT:The what sorry?

DIM WOMAN:The ratatooley? The tinned ratatooley. The ratatooley in tins? Where is it?

ASSISTANTh, you mean… it's in the tinned veg section, just down there.

DIM WOMAN:I like ratatooley.

ASSISTANT:Yes, it's… er…

DIM WOMAN:Will the ralviloli be there?

ASSISTANTSTIFLING A LITTLE LAUGH) Yes, yes it will.

DIM WOMAN:And the lasange?

ASSISTANT:The…

DIM WOMAN:The frozen lasange?

ASSISTANT:It's… it's actually pronounced lasagne, and it won't be with the tinned…

DIM WOMAN:No, it's lasange. It's written on my list. Lasange.

ASSISTANT:Honestly, it's lasagne.

DIM WOMAN:Ha ha ha, there's no "yuh" in lasange, it's a "guh". Luh-ah-sange.

ASSISTANT:It's lasagne.

DIM WOMAN:What are you like? God, you're not the brightest knife in the box are you? Lars-an-yay! Hahaha.

ASSISTANT:Not the brightest..? You know, I'm working my way through university and the only hope I have of completing my education is by taking every menial job that comes along and I have to deal with imbecilic morons like you who can't even pronounce ratatouille!

DIM WOMAN:What did you call me? Right! Where's your mangener? Excuse me. Excuse me!

F/XFOOTSTEPS OF THE STORE MANAGER

STORE MANAGER:Yes madam. Is there a problem?

DIM WOMAN:This shelf stacker just called me an umbilical maroon.

STORE MANAGER:Is this true?

ASSISTANT:No! I called her an imbecilic… actually it probably doesn't matter what I called her. I'm really sorry.

DIM WOMAN:Yes and she wouldn't show me where the lasange is.

STORE MANAGER:The…?

DIM WOMAN:The frozen lasange.

ASSISTANT: You see? And I tried to tell her where the (FORCEFULLY) lasagne is but she wouldn't…

STORE MANAGER: If this valued customer wishes to know the location of the lasange, it is your job simply to tell her where it is, or better yet, to take her there. The first rule of retail…

ASSISTANT:I know, I know and I really am sorry.

STORE MANAGER:What is the first rule of retail?

ASSISTANT:The customer is always right.

DIM WOMAN:Rigot. Cos there's a "guh" in it. The customer is always rigot.

STORE MANAGER:…Yes. Exactly. The customer is always rigot.

ASSISTANT:Even when they are obviously totally and utterly wuh-rong?

STORE MANAGER:Tell me: do you enjoy working here? I'm sure in the current economic climate you'd find it very easy to find another job.

DIM WOMAN: So where's the lasange?

ASSISTANT: Oh, fine, follow me, it's rigot this way.

SKETCH ENDS.

Shot in the dark....you work in retail, right? haha!!

Not bad, but seems more like an exercise in axe-grinding than a comedy sketch. I find it funny because of my retail background, but many others may not appreciate it.

Keep it up though, did enjoy the dialogue!

James as always there's very funny, clever, well-observed dialogue in here. I just wonder if it goes on a bit...probably not though. It feels rigot for radio. See what I did there? I know, I'm a genius.

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Bang on. Extremely funny.

Quote: TomCampbell @ March 17 2009, 8:26 AM GMT

Shot in the dark....you work in retail, right?

View original

Shot in the dark....you're a good comedy writer, right? Right.
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I did like that, made me laugh a lot. Though can't make up my mind whether you do a couple too many mispronunciations or not.

Thank you. I'm not sure about this one myself... I wrote it ages ago as a try-out for Bearded Ladies on Radio 4. It's more gently amusing than LOL funny, I think. I reckon a lot of it would come down to performance.

It's a little snobby too, but then I'm a little snobby. Write what you know...

Lee: It does go on a bit, doesn't it? Could definitely be trimmed here and there.

Morrace: I have been paid more regularly for retail work than for comedy writing, so who can say?