Sensual Relaxation CD

1. INT. CAR. DAY.

A NERVOUS-LOOKING MAN TAKES A CD OUT OF ITS BOX AND SLIDES IT INTO THE CAR STEREO.

CD: (V.O.)
Hello and thank you for purchasing volume 1 of "Sensual Relaxation, The Path To Success", everything you need to succeed in all you want to do. First of all, let's get comfortable. Lie down if you can, and we'll begin.

THE MAN ADJUSTS THE RECLINE KNOB ON THE SIDE OF HIS SEAT AND LIES BACK.

CD: (VO)
Comfy?

THE MAN NODS.

CD: (V.O.)
That's great. Now, the most important step in overcoming anxiety is to first learn to love yourself. So loosen your clothing, relax, and listen to this music.

A SEXY BARRY WHITE TRACK BEGINS TO PLAY. THE MAN UNDOES A FEW BUTTONS ON HIS SHIRT.

CD: (V.O.)
Now, in order to truly love yourself to success, I want you to explore your own body. Try pinching your nipples. Go on, don't be shy. Pinch them.

THE MAN LOOKS A LITTLE BASHFUL, BUT DOES AS THE VOICE SAYS AND STARTS PINCHING HIS NIPPLES.

CD:
Harder...

HE PINCHES THEM HARDER AND GASPS IN PLEASURE.

CD: (V.O.)
Yeah, that's it. That's so good. Now keep twiddling your left nipple, while seductively sucking your right index finger.

THE MAN COMPLIES.

CD: (V.O.)
That's it. Yeah. Suck that digit. You're on your way to becoming a real success. Now, I want you to lose control, and do what comes naturally. Go on, you know what I'm saying, bitch! Do it now, now, NOW!

MAN:
Yes! Yes! Yes!

HIS HANDS ROAM LOWER.

CUT TO:

2. EXT. STREET. DAY.

WE SEE THE EXTERIOR OF THE CAR, WITH THE WINDOWS ALL STEAMED UP. IT'S ROCKING FROM SIDE TO SIDE. WE HEAR THE MUFFLED SOUND OF BARRY WHITE AND THE MAN'S CRIES OF ECSTASY.

CUT TO:

3. INT. CAR. DAY.

THE MAN IS RECLINED ON HIS CHAIR, SMOKING A CIGARETTE. HE LOOKS DISHEVELLED, SWEATY, AND HIGHLY SATISFIED.

CD: (V.O.)
There now. All your anxiety has just melted away hasn't it? You've learned to love yourself,and now you can do anything you put your mind to. You're a winner. Go get 'em, tiger!

MAN:
I will. I'm a winner. I'M A WINNER!!!

CAMERA CUTS TO THE PASSENGER SEAT TO REVEAL A CLEARLY TERRIFIED DRIVING EXAMINER SAT THERE WITH A CLIPBOARD.

EXAMINER:
Right sir, if you're quite finished, please start the vehicle and exit the carpark.

CUT TO:

4. EXT. DRIVING TEST CENTRE CARPARK. DAY.

WIDE SHOT OF THE CAR PULLING AWAY FROM THE TEST CENTRE.

END SKETCH

Had to play it through in my head, but this works, nice reveal. I was worried the the reveal would be doggers, but you saved my fragile mind at the last minute. Sir, I hope you're about to rock, coz I salute you!

Compared to previous offerings this felt a bit run-of-the-mill. Well written (as pretty much goes without saying with your stuff) but not as fresh as usual.

In the interests of shortening the reveal (if required), you could make it a car salesman in the passenger seat saying something along the lines of 'so, do you want to buy it?'

I thought it was very good, Mr. Lee.

I'd like it if the voice started every new instruction with 'That's great. Now...'

Professionista...but hard nipples to "I am the walrus"...can there be another way?

This did make me laugh but also a wee bit unsure about the ending.

So had a ponder and knocked up an alternative end scene:

3. INT. CAR. DAY.

THE MAN IS RECLINED ON HIS CHAIR, SMOKING A CIGARETTE. HE LOOKS DISHEVELLED, SWEATY, AND HIGHLY SATISFIED.

CD: (V.O.)
There now. All your anxiety has just melted away hasn't it? You've learned to love yourself,and now you can do anything you put your mind to. You're a winner. Go get 'em, tiger!

MAN:
I will. I'm a winner. I'm a winner. I AM A WINNER!!!

CAMERA CUTS TO THE PASSENGER SEAT TO REVEAL HIS WIFE.

WIFE: (SHAKES HEAD)
Yes Norman you're a winner (SLOWLY CLAPS HANDS) now can we go?

NORMAN GRINS.

WIFE:
We have to go through the same rigmarole every time we go out Sandra.

CAMERA CUTS TO THE REAR PASSENGER SEAT TO REVEAL SANDRA.

SANDRA:
Tell me about it Jenny, my David's on part six of the series on his ipod.

CAMERA CUTS TO THE OTHER REAR PASSENGER SEAT TO REVEAL A NAKED DAVID WITH HEADPHONES IN, HE HAS AN INFLATABLE SHEEP SAT ON HIS LAP.

END SKETCH

Nah mate, you've mullered it

Quote: random @ March 15 2009, 6:02 PM GMT

This did make me laugh but also a wee bit unsure about the ending.

View original

I too am unsure about the ending, but your alternative ending is not as good as Lee's original!
Sorry.

Quote: Morrace @ March 15 2009, 6:56 PM GMT

I too am unsure about the ending, but your alternative ending is not as good as Lee's original!
Sorry.

View original

Nothing to be sorry for Morrace, thanks for your thoughts

I thought that the first sketch was good and worked well

Like it, reminds me of one of mine:

TELEKARMA - YOGA OVER THE PHONE

TIME, A YOGA INSTRUCTOR, PICKS UP THE PHONE. HE HAD BEEN READING 'ADRIAN MOLE' WITH HIS HAND DOWN HIS TROUSERS.
TIME:
Hello, Telekarma? My names' Tiiiime.

MAN 1:
Oh, Hi, I'm calling for my teleyoga experience

TIME:
Yes, I was just meditating then.

MAN 1:
Oh good, I've got me mat. Shall I lie down – I'm on speakerphone?..

TIME:
YES. OKAAAAAAAAY Go into the Katanga position = you remember from last week.

MAN LIFTS UP BOTH THUMBS.
MAN 1:
Ok. Thumbs aloft.

TIME:
GOOOOOD. Now, ease into the pigeon.

MAN 1:
I'm flapping my wings like last time.

TIME (IN THE VOICE OF A PIGEON):
Excellent. Now, pace around and assume the half Shakira, the route to hip truth.

MAN 1:
Should I roll both hips?

Time:
Just the one, then bend into the Maccabi Haifa

MAN 1:
Isn't that a football team?

Time:
I mean the muladhara – the red root at the foot of the spine.

MAN 1:
Ohh, I've.. I've put me back out.

Time:
Then go into the full mong and focus on the light.

MAN 1:
That's better

Time:
And look for your Japanese eye. When you see it that will conclude our session.

MAN 1:
No, I can't see anything, me eyes are shut.

Time:
OK, time's up. That'll be £10 please.

MAN 1:
Bloody hell, that was quick.

Time:
Time waits for noone. Namaste.

MAN 1:
But I still can't see me Japanese eye.

Time:
Then try the full Shakira and get lobon. Bye.