Rolling Stones break up
By Rupert Melchiot
Veteran rockers the Rolling Stones sensationally broke up during a concert in Toronto last night. Eyewitnesses say they first noticed that something was wrong when Ronnie Wood's left ear was seen to simply drop of his face and break in two upon hitting the ground. Guitarist Keith Richards was the next victim of this mass break-up as his testicles fell through the hem of his trousers and disintegrated on his effects pedal.
Heroically the group carried on with a selection of their hits and had got as far as Paint it Black before disaster struck as Mick Jagger's lips turned to dust and crumbled on his face, forcing him to mumble through the encore. A final explosive chord from Richards, now playing with what was left of his feet, proved too much for the crumbling rockers, and by the end of the end of the evening some of the more ardent fans were seen to attempt to snort what was left of the now completely disintegrated rock legends.
Dead man "complete b*st*rd" says family
By Garth Weedon
The world of obituaries was stunned last week when local man Croydon McPhail, who died suddenly of a-plastic anaemia, was branded a "scumbag and no good w***er" by those who knew him. His wife, Althea McPhail, 62 said last night –
"He was a complete b*st*rd. He never hit me, or anything like that, he was just a nasty piece of work. Always going on about how the world was out to get him and how he hated nearly everyone in it, especially Peruvians".
His closest friend, or person who despised him least, Benny Rumsden, tried to come up with something positive to say about the deceased.
"The best I could come up with at his funeral was that he wasn't a paedophile. This bigoted, idle drunk was always laughing at other's misfortunes, and once farted on a beggar's head. The miserable sh*t".
At the wake, ill-wishers took it in turns to punch the corpse and draw crude penises on his forehead.
"This way, St Peter will know that he was loathed and despised by those in the mortal world, and now hopefully our contempt will be carried on to the next life", added wife Althea.
Croydon McPhail is survived by the human race, who are apparently enriched by having lost him.
Missing man believed to have been forced out of modern world
By Alyson Glossop
Ben Ramball, missing from his home in Wetwang since Tuesday, is believed to be the first person since the Industrial Revolution to have been completely rejected by the modern world. Technophobe Ramball, 32, lived his life free of MP3s, the internet and found DVDs confusing.
The week up to his disappearance, he was reported to have "felt increasingly out of place in the modern world". Experts believe the modern world took umbrage with this statement and simply cast him out of itself. Police and forensic scientists are unable to explain this or account for Ramball's whereabouts.
DI Dan Berridge of Wetwang CID said last night – "this is not uncommon in this society. Technology, pollution and the increased pace of living mean that more and more people are feeling out of place in the modern world. I believe that this is simply the Universe balancing itself out. As for Ramball, it could be that he is living it up in ancient Rome. Either that or dying of plague in the 15th century.
This and sadly more at www.thetiffintimes.co.uk
