There's a lot of us aren't there? Take a look, thoughts please, cruel to be kind etc. Thanks!
-----------------------------
Sketch 1
HOST:
Hello and welcome to Ask the Panel, I'm Kirsty Duff. This week we'll be discussing the recent elections in Israel with Steve Hamm, who's been monitoring the region. Steve, What effect do you think this will have on regional policy in the short term?
Steve:
Well, firstly, I'd like to say that the campaign on all sides was handled completely atrociously.
HOST:
Really? What sort of thing did you find objectionable?
STEVE:
I saw some of the adverts on YouTube. I mean, they were so cheap! Israel really does have to invest more in it's democracy if it want results. Kadima could, for instance, bundle unpopular wars with investment in the tourist trade and then they would be a very strong party on travel.
HOST:
So you don't think that the problem is perhaps the stark difference in political affiliations between Palestinians, Jews, and the Young and Old in the country?
STEVE:
I don't like to put people into boxes, but if you actually did do that, you'd definitely have a lot less violence. Suicide bombings mean humans are essentially weapons, you've got to treat them the same, and I find that cardboard is a lot less flexible than denim.
HOST:
Would the international community stand for that? Is security really worth that sacrifice?
STEVE:
Well, our listeners at can't see the pictures of this young, innocent victim of a rocket attack we have here, but it's obvious to me that if Ms. Duff here can rail against these measures, she obviously doesn't care.
HOST:
Well, I can't be judge of myself, but... What do you think could help any kind of reconciliation?
SAM:
Well, I think Israel should remain committed to a two-state solution, and those are, solids and gas. If the Gaza strip were to somehow sublimate, the sheer vertical size difference would surely stop any fighting. All we need is for both sides to commit to a sensible idea.
HOST:
And you think Hamas can transition to being a peace-time government?
SAM:
They certainly can. Their experience in Bribing and extortion will certainly help them when it comes to pushing education reform and restoring confidence in the economy. You can ask anyone. In public. You see, the thing is about Palestinians, they're a bit shy. In Private interviews, they get a bit nervous, and it can sound like they're accusing their government of human rights abuses on their own people. It sounds like English, but it's just a very common greeting in Arabic meaning 'I wish you no airstrikes.'
HOST:
Lastly, Steve, what positive points would you draw from the current situation?
STEVE:
If they go nuclear we'll have a lot of cheap glass. But, also I read in one newspaper that Hamas are terrorists, and in another that the Israeli government are, so they do at least have something in common. If they concentrate on that, I think we'll have peace in no time.
HOST:
That's all the time we've got for now. Next up, album reviews - if you play Paul McCartney's new album backwards, is it still completely irrelevant?
SOUND: The programme's theme tune.
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SKETCH 3
MACHINE
Good day, you've reached the office of the Iranian Envoy to the United States, please hold.
SOUND: BEEP
U.S. Envoy
Hi, It's Richard Rabinowitz, we typed on the Internet?
IRANIAN ENVOY
Ah, Richard! It's nice to finally speak with you!
U.S. ENVOY
Yeah, Nabeel, always nice to have a chat. Listen, we got lots to talk about tonight. Firstly, there's the issue of arms movement, we would like to co-ordinate with the Revolutionary Guard to ensure that weaponry in the region is all accounted for.
IRANIAN ENVOY
(hesitantly) Well, for that to happen, we would need to look at the designation, of... Oh, you know what? I'm sick of this already Richard.
U.S. ENVOY
Well, I am too. But it's our job, we gotta do this.
IRANIAN ENVOY
But it used to be so easy! Our job was to not talk to each other!
U.S. ENVOY
And we did it so well.
IRANIAN ENVOY
But then Bush left, and now we are forced to do this. And Ahmadinejad...
U.S. ENVOY
Oh god, don't you elect a sensible leader too! But I've come see the good sides, you know? We get to do something really important!
IRANIAN ENVOY
I don't care Richard. All I'm good at is stalemates. They stay there, they don't change. I don't want it to change!
U.S. ENVOY
We can't stop it Nabeel, this is how it is now.
IRANIAN ENVOY
No! I don't accept it! I don't like you, you don't like me, and that's the end of it!
U.S. ENVOY
Do you like not liking me?
IRANIAN ENVOY
I don't dislike not liking you.
U.S. ENVOY
Well I've never liked that we don't dislike not liking each other. It's not right. We need to try harder.
IRANIAN ENVOY
Well (pause) ok.
U.S. ENVOY
Okay, let's try to get back on track. So, there's been some disagreement over how to start these talks some have suggested
IRANIAN ENVOY
Oh, sorry Richard, my shift just ended.
U.S. ENVOY
But
IRANIAN ENVOY
Time Zones, eh? We'll talk next week!
SOUND: phone Click
-----------------------------
SKETCH 3
SOUND: FACTORY NOISES
ROB:
Err, sir?
BOSS:
What?
ROB:
There's a problem with the toilet paper machine.
BOSS:
What is it?
ROB:
It's been loaded with sandpaper.
BOSS:
Right (pause) How many units?
ROB:
30,000 sir. And counting. The machine's stopping mechanism's been a bit, worn down. It's going to take a while to stop it churning them out.
(Pause)
BOSS:
Every mistake, my boy, is an opportunity in disguise.
SOUND: UPBEAT ADVERT MUSIC
Attractive voice:
New exfoliating toilet paper from danilux! Do you fear when people see your rear? No more. Take pride in your great divide!
OTHER VOICE:
I can really feel it working!
ATTRACTIVE VOICE:
Exfoliating toilet paper from danilux, in stores now.
SMALL PRINT GUY:
Product does not absorb liquids. Side effects may include inability to sit, Trousers and undergarments sliding off, red glute, and stress-based constipation. Use at your own risk.
(FIN)
