SCENE 1. 'GM CROPPED'.
BOARD MEMBER:As my fellow board members are no doubt aware, here at GM motors we're currently in choppy waters, financially speaking
CHAIRMAN:And what cost efficient management procedures have we put in place to rectify the situation?
BOARD MEMBER
PAUSE) ...erm...what?
CHAIRMAN:What are we doing about it!
BOARD MEMBER:Ah, well we've laid-off 85% of the human workforce and replaced them with machines, and have successfully managed to negotiate the machines down to a 12% annual bonus with just 4 weeks holiday entitlement.
CHAIRMAN:Good work. Let's hope their union dances with those figures. What impact will these changes have on our year-end margins?
BOARD MEMBER:We're still 15 billion in the red.
CHAIRMAN
amn. Anyone got any other ideas?
BOARDMEMBER:We could suspend the expenses account...
CHAIRMAN:Look, if you have nothing productive to say, don't say anything.
BOARD MEMBER 2PAUSE) How about – and this is just a thought, mind you – we re-examine the whole 'electric car' concept?
F/X: SOUND OF TWO SILENCED GUN SHOTS
CHAIRMAN:Jeff, wrap the body in a blanket and dispose of it down at the pier.
BOARD MEMBER:Right. (PAUSE) Can I borrow someone's car? I had to downsize to a Kia, I haven't got the boot space. Steve?
BOARDMEMBER 3Don't look at me. I commute to work using public transport.
CHAIRMANDISGUSTEDLY) …yet somehow you still manage to look your wife in the eyes at night? (BEAT) Ah well, suicide it is for me then.
F/X:KNOCKS ON DOOR, SOUND OF DOOR OPENING
SECRETARY:Mr Chairman, news has just come through that the government has introduced a £30bn stimulus package for the car industry.
CHAIRMAN
hew! Right…who needs a new yacht?
END