Hi folks,
I'd be interested in people's comments on these sketches. They are a recurring theme, like Little Britain. Some are already out on our podcast.
Any thoughts?
John
Purple Comedy
http://standupcomedy.podomatic.com/
Hello Son Number 1
INT: PUB
J:Mind if I sit here son?
A:No, no problem.
J:Quiet in here tonight.
A:Yes>
J:Not like the old days hey when we came in here with your mum.
A;Sorry?
J:When you were a nipper. You'd say, can I have crisps Dad? I'd say only if the fairies bring em.
A;No I didn't.
J:Happy days.
A;I'm not your son.
J:How can you say that?
A;Because I'm not.
J
on't be daft. (Calls) Miss, pint of Guinness for me please and larger tops for me lad.
A:Look, I'm not you're lad & I don't drink larger tops.
J:You always drink larger tops, You always say, "That'll be a Guinness for you Dad and I'll have larger tops."
A
hit, no, I never, I don't like larger tops.
J:Look out that window. It's changed here hasn't it? I can remember when it was all fields.
A:It's still all f**king fields.
J:Language Colin.
A:My name's Steve.
J:How's the school teaching going Colin, any chance of a promotion?
A:No! I'm an accountant!
J:Now Colin I'm sure your not that bad, don't be too hard on yourself son.
A:Listen mate, I don't teach, I don't drink lager tops and I'm not your son. You're having some sort of delusion.
J
Calls,) Two pints miss, this is my son, teacher! Doing very well!
A:I'm not his son! I don't like larger tops.
J:Now you're just making your self look ridiculous.
A;Look, here on my phone, that picture there that's my Mum.
J:I know, she's a treasure that woman. Who's that bloke with her?
A:That's my Dad.
J:My God he's got his arm round her!
A
f course he does, he lives with her in London.
J:What! Your mother lives with a bloke in London.
A:Yes.
J:How long has this been going on?
A:They were married 30 years ago.
J:Your mother married to man in London!
A:Yes!
J;I'll bloody kill him!
(Sketch Ends)
Hello Son Live for Glasgow Comedy Fest.
HELLO SON SKETCH 2 OF 3
Purple Comedy – Live Sketch
Written By John Burns & Austin Low
Cast:
Steve:Austin
Dad:John
Ann, receptionist:Kim
Mr Page, Steve's bosscott
(ENTER STEVE AND MR PAGE, JUST BACK FROM A MEETING)
MR PAGE:Very impressive Steve, seriously, damn good presentation.
STEVEh, thanks Mr Page.
MR PAGE:I think we can safely say the Ashcroft account is in the bag.
STEVE:Fantastic.
MR PAGE:I shall be informing Head office about you...
FX: INTERCOM BUZZER
ANNOFF) Your 12.30 appointment is here Steve.
STEVETO PAGE) I didn't think I had a 12.30.
MR PAGEh well, see them quickly.
STEVEend them in Ann.
MR PAGE:Then I'll take you out for a spot of lunch.
(ENTER DAD AND ANN)
DAD:Hello son.
STEVEh no not you...
MR PAGEteve! He's your Father! I'm delighted to meet the man behind the throne.
STEVE:He's not my father!
ANNteve, don't be like that.
DAD:It's alright love, I shouldn't have come.
STEVE:No you shouldn't!
MR PAGE:Your own father, I'm surprised at you Steve.
DAD:No, he's right, I wasn't the greatest father you see. I tried.
ANNh, I'm sure you did.
STEVE:He never did anything at all.
DAD:I'll go, I know when I'm not wanted.
(ANNA COMFORTS DAD, MR PAGE TURNS TO STEVE)
MR PAGEteve.
STEVE:But Mr Page he's not my...
MR PAGE:Whatever he's done, he's still your Dad.
DADSITTING DOWN) He had a shock of curly hair when he was a nipper. He'd sit on my knee in his Thomas the Tank engine jammies. "Is the train coming Dad?" he'd say, chuff, chuff.
ANN:Aw, sweet.
STEVE:No, Anna, Mr Page really I don't know him.
ANN:You're upsetting him.
MR PAGE:Come on, I'll take everyone out for lunch.
DADh, that'll be lovely, very kind.
(EXIT DAD, ANN, MR PAGE)
DADOFF) Come on Colin, I'll buy you a nice larger tops.
STEVETries to gets words out)… F**k!
(Sketch Ends)
HELLO SON SKETCH 3 OF 3
Purple Comedy – Live Sketch
Written By John Burns & Austin Low
Cast:
Steve:Austin
Dad:John
DR:Kim
Male Nursecott
(Set: two chairs facing each other)
Enter Steve and Dr, sit facing each other. Steve is rocking and agitated, looking around.
DRo he follows you around?
STEVE:He's everywhere.
DR:I see, and you see him in pubs and restaurants?
STEVEn buses, the underground, last night I was in the shower, I pulled back the curtain and there he was on the bog.
DR:And this has been happening for a while now.
STEVE:Can you get me some paper son, how does he get into my house all the time!?
DRRepeating herself) And this has been happening for a while?
STEVE: Oh yes, he comes to the office, we all go out for lunch. It's become a regular thing now. (Breaks down) Everyone looks forward to it.
DR:And he says he's your father.
STEVE:Yes.
DR:But he's not.
STEVE:No.
DR:But other people think he's your father?
STEVE:No one listens to me. Colin he calls me. My name's Steve.
DR:How terrible Colin, sorry Steve. But I believe your problem stems from a breakdown in the relationship between you and your Father. To address this I've invited someone to join us.
STEVE:Who?
DR:Your father, shall I bring him in?
STEVE:My Dad yes.
DR:You can come in now.
(Enter dad)
DAD:Hello son.
STEVEh God no!
DR:I think your son needs a little rest.
DAD:He's been very overwrought recently.
DR:I can see that.
STEVE:Rest, what? No this is the man who pretends…
DR:If you'll sign the papers.
DADh, if you think it's best.
DR:Nurse! Just a little rest.
STEVE:No but he isn't my real Dad, he can't sign…
(Enter nurse leads Steve away.)
DR:It's for the best.
DAD:Yes, for the best, Colin.
STEVE:No, I don't want a rest, I want my Dad!
DRon't worry your Dad can visit anytime he likes.
DAD:I bring you a nice larger tops.
STEVEOFF) F**k no! (Is dragged off, Doctor exits)
DAD:What will his Mother think?