Sacrifices

SCENE: A SEMINARY COURTYARD

F/X DISTANT CHURCH BELLS, HYMS BEING SUNG.

Father O'Donnell and young priest-in-training, Robert, are deep in conversation.

Priest
Entering the priesthood is a momentous step, Robert. It's absolutely natural to have moments of doubt.

Robert
I know, father. It's just… I've suddenly become aware of the sacrifices I'd have to make.

Priest
Ah, yes. It's the question every priest has to face... the question of family.

Robert
Yes, father – you've hit the nail on the head there. That's the big one for me - family... that and killing prostitutes. You see, I may be okay with giving up the chance of having a wife and kids now but who's to say how I'll feel in the future.

Priest
Mmm, yes, family is... wait, what did you say?

Robert
I said I may want a family in the future and that is what's giving me some concerns.

Priest
No, you said you'd have to give up killing prostitutes?

Robert
Yes, Father, I assumed that would be the case, maybe not, I don't know - what is the church's official stance on slaughtering Satan's strumpets?

Priest
The church's official stance?

Robert
Yes, on vanquishing the devil's tartlets? Wait, don't tell me – the church is divided.

Priest
No, I don't think so.

Robert
Once again we suffer a lack of clear guidance on another important issue. And it comes from the top, you know. If only the Pope would finally come out and say, yes, it is okay to kill hell's hookers… Or not, whatever.

Priest
I think you need to calm down, Robert.

Robert
It just makes me so angry

Priest
Here's my advice. Take some time out to think about your… actions. Go somewhere or do something that takes you mind off of… that thing that's on your mind. Is there something you do that helps you relax?

Robert
Killing streetwalkers.

Priest
Apart from that.

Robert
I like to drive.

Priest
There you go A nice drive in the country.

Robert
Yes... via the Red Light district.

Priest
No! Look Robert, you can't keep killing our poor unfortunate local prostitutes.

Robert
Really Father? Why not?

Priest
Cos I have to travel miles to get a blow job!

END

Yes, this is good. Love the 'devil's tartlets' bit. By the way, are you from Dundee?

Cheers, Balf.

From Glasgow. Living in Dundee.

Bo.

Broughty Ferry myself, but I assure you that I am not posh.

Nicely written as ever. Don't know how it will go down with Priests. So to speak

Excellent for me. Consistent character and crisp dialogue all the way. Helps that it's simply very funny from start to finish. I couldn't go as far as a prostitute as I'm a man of conscience but I'd sacrifice a horse in the pleasant company of that sketch anytime.

Thank you, my Lord. Most kind.

Bo.

Really great writing and very funny.

Just to set Rob0's mind at rest, I am a practising priest and both the Pope and I loved it.

Enjoyed that. Could do with having the prossy descriptions getting more and more ridiculous though -"Hell's hookers" read rather flat after "devil's tartlets" I thought.

I thought this:

Robert
I like to drive.

Priest
There you go A nice drive in the country.

Robert
Yes... via the Red Light district.

...would be funnier as this:

Robert
I like to drive...

Priest
There; a nice drive in the country.

Robert
...over prostitutes.

I also thought this line a bit lumpen:

Priest
No! Look Robert, you can't keep killing our poor unfortunate local prostitutes.

I know you're trying to set up for the punchline, but still, who says "local prostitutes"?

Good points well made, David Bussell. I can't argue with any of them.

Cheers,

Bo.