SKETCH COMP 2.3-13.3

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Hi and congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... COOL MIKADO and LITTLE JERSEY GIRL for winnin'! That's 10 points apiece and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Cool Mikado
2 - 10 - Little Jersey Devil
1 - 5 - James Harris
1 - 5 - Bushbaby
1 - 5 - Mikey J
1 - 5 - Fred Sunshine

Your new subject: REGRETS (chosen by Fred Sunshine).
Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 13 March

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
82 - Charley Rance
76 - Chris Forshaw
66 - Jude
62 - Otterfox
60 - Baumski
55 - Timbo
54 - Michael Monkhouse
48 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Cool Mikado
31 - Paul Watson
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
25 - Afinkawan
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Leevil
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
16 - Swerytd
15 - Fred Sunshine
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Tom G
11 - Steven
10 - Bushbaby
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

Congratulations to both Michael Monkhouse and James Harris who had sketches shown on BBC 2 NI's 'Teethgrinder'.

EXT.HIGH STREET.DAY

A WOMAN DRESSED AS A FRENCH GYPSY CIRCA 1831 IS WALKING ALONG WINDOW SHOPPING. AFTER A WHILE SHE LOOKS UP AND REACTS AS IF SHE HAS SEEN AN OLD FACE FROM THE PAST. SHE CALLS OUT

ESMERALDA
Hello stranger!

QUASIMODO IS WALKING BESIDE HIS NORMAL, ATTRACTIVE, OBVIOUSLY PREGNANT WIFE, PUSHING A PUSHCHAIR. HE TURNS TO SEE WHO IS CALLING AND SEEING ESMERALA LOOKS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED

QUASIMODO (speaking ala Charles Laughton)
Esmeralda, hello, how are you?

ESMERALDA
I'm well thank you, how are you?

QUASIMODO
I'm very well, what a lovely coincidence

THEY KISS EACH OTHER ON THE CHEEK

QUASIMODO
Esmeralda this is my wife Jennifer

ESMERALDA (shaking hands)
How do you do

JENNIFER
How do you do, I've heard a lot about you

QUASIMODO (after a moment)
So, what brings you over here?

ESMERALDA
Oh just popped over for the day, shopping, catching up with friends you know

QUASIMODO
Sure, sure

ESMERALDA (addressing the little girl in the pushchair)
Hello there, you're very pretty, what's your name?

QUASIMODO
Her name's Madeleine, say hello Madeleine

ESMERALDA
I think she's a bit shy aren't you Madeleine?

QUASIMODO
We're expecting our second in June

ESMERALDA
Oh, congratulations!

JENNIFER
Thank you

ESMERALDA
Do you know what you're having yet?

JENNIFER
No, we've decided we want it to be a surprise

QUASIMODO
We don't care what it is as long as it's healthy

ESMERALDA
And are you still bell ringing?

QUASIMODO
Oh no, I got into I.T

ESMERALDA
Oh, that's great

QUASIMODO
You?

ESMERALDA (as if hiding the truth)
I'm teaching dance at the moment

QUASIMODO
Oh, great. Do you still see any of the old crowd?

ESMERALDA
No, not really, though I get the occasional Christmas card from Phoebus

QUASIMODO
How is he?

ESMERALDO
Oh, you know, just the same

THERE IS A SAD MOMENT THAT PASSES BETWEEN THEM

ESMERALDA
Anyway, I won't keep you, I can see you're busy. It was lovely to meet you Jennifer

JENNIFER
And you

ESMERALDA (addressing Madeleine)
Goodbye Madeleine, it was lovely meeting you too. Look after your Mum and Dad won't you?

ESMERALDA (to Quasimodo)
Take care

QUASIMODO
And you

THEY PART AND AFTER A FEW STEPS ESMERALDA GLANCES BACK AT THE HAPPY FAMILY AS THEY WALK AWAY FROM HER. SHE TURNS AND SOMEWHERE IN THE DISTANCE A CHURCH BELL RINGS. ESMERALDA STOPS, SMILES TO HERSELF THEN LOOKING WISTFUL, WALKS PURPOSEFULLY OUT OF SHOT

INT. A LIVING ROOM - DAY

MICHAEL, a scruffy-looking man, sits on a sofa in a messy room. Dirty dishes surround him. Next to him is a JAM JAR filled with worms.

VOICEOVER
It is three weeks since Michael swapped his wife for a jam jar full of worms, and life without Joanne is beginning to take its toll.

MICHAEL
Yeah, I mean, it was all right to start with. The house was quieter, I could go out when I wanted, you know? Didn't have to watch bloody EastEnders every night. But, I dunno, the dishes are piling up, my shirt smells of...
(he sniffs his shirt)
I don't even know what that smell is. Smell that.

He extends the hem of his shirt towards the camera, which recoils slightly.

VOICEOVER
No, you're all right.

MICHAEL
Suit yourself. And I miss... I suppose I miss the conversation.

VOICEOVER
So are you looking forward to Joanne coming back?

MICHAEL
Well, yeah, I mean, um... I dunno.

He looks at the jam jar, and smiles. He strokes it lightly.

MICHAEL
The sex is amazing. So... when's she due back?

VOICEOVER
About ten minutes.

MICHAEL
Yeah? Ten minutes? I'd better tidy up. Or, er...
(he thinks, then looks lovingly at the jam jar)
Could you switch the camera off?

He tenderly strokes the jam jar, picks it up and hurries out of the room.

SKETCH ENDS

I don't regret being the most powerful person in the company.

I don't regret being the controller of my household.

I don't regret the extremely, successful life I have lead.

I don't regret being the most handsome person in the district.

What I do regret....no, no, that's the wrong word; what makes me most indignant,

are other lesser-beings not recognising those qualities and in their

jealousy refer to me as the narcissist.

INT. A PUB - NIGHT

Two men are sat at a table, clearly very drunk. When they speak they slur their words.

MAN1
I love you you know

MAN2
I love you to mate

MAN1
No, I really love you

MAN2
I know, I know. I really love you to

There is an awkward pause where the two look at each other. Suddenly they grab each other and partake in a passionate kiss. They brake and look at each other again, seeming a bit flustered.

MAN2
I'm going to the toilet

MAN1
I'll meet you in there

Man2 skips off out of shot. Man1 watches him go as he downs the last of his pint excitedly and then stumbles off after man2.

Cut to.

INT. A BEDROOM - NIGHT

Man1 jolts up in bed, out of breath, covered in sweat and looking a little scared. His wife in bed next to him turns over to look at him.

WIFE
(Sleepily)
What's the matter dear? Bad dream?

MAN1
No. I just remembered why me and Dave aren't speaking to each other

MYSPACE

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.
I've lived a life that's full.
I've surfed on each and every highway;
But more, much more than this,
I was on My Space.

Emails, I've typed a few,
But then again, too few to bookmark.
I hacked what I thought was poo
And forwarded through without a c/c.
I surfed the net of course,
Each world-web-site along the scypeway,
But more, much more than this,
I was on MySpace.

Yes, there are bytes, all on YouTube,
When you upload more than you can spew.
But through iTunes, when there is doubt,
I hack it up and leak it out.
Though Ebay's all, I stand tall:
I was on MySpace.

I've logged, I've pasted and copied.
I've had Twitter, my share of Emule.
And now, Napster subsides,
I find it all back on YouTube.
To think I download that;
And may I chat - not on a forum,
"No, oh no not me,
I was on MySpace."

For what is a friend, what's PayPal got?
If not on Facebook, then it is naught.
To surf web-rings he truly feels;
And not the files of one who kneels.
Computers show I stole the show -
I was on MySpace.

INT. DOCTOR'S SURGERY, DAY

DOCTOR

Ah, Mrs Smith, come on in. I see from your notes that you're considering a termination of pregnancy. I trust you've already spoken to the abortion counsellor and read all the relevant literature?

WOMAN

That's right. I just need a second GP's signature before I can go ahead with the procedure. I made a terrible mistake, and I just want to get it over and done with as soon as possible.

DOCTOR

I see. It doesn't seem that your bump is showing yet. How many weeks pregnant are you?

WOMAN

Fifty-two.

DOCTOR

Excuse me?

WOMAN

Fifty-two.

DOCTOR

You mean to say, you have a three-month-old baby?

WOMAN

Gavin, that's right, yes.

DOCTOR

Mrs Smith, I'm afraid the law is pretty clear, terminations can only be performed over 24 weeks if there's a serious risk to the health of the child or mother.

WOMAN

There is a risk to the health of the mother. And the child.

DOCTOR

Which is..?

WOMAN

He's doing my bloody head in, and if he doesn't stop crying I'm gonna brain him.

DOCTOR

I'm sorry, you just can't. You can't abort a three-month-old child.

WOMAN

It's my body!

DOCTOR

No, actually, it isn't. Wait, did you say that you needed a *second* GP's signature from me? Who on earth provided the first?

WOMAN

Dr. Shipman.

DOCTOR

But his speciality is geriatrics.

WOMAN

And he wasn't interested until he saw that Gavin has his grandfather's eyes. Dr Shipman aborted dad last year.

INT. Living Room

ROY IS MIDDLEAGED AND SEATED ON THE SOFA NEXT TO HIS ELDERLY MOTHER. INTERVIEWER IS SEATED OPPOSITE. LIVING ROOM HAS DRAB 1970'S FEEL. BOTH CHARACTERS HAVE NORTHERN ACCENTS.

Interviewer// So Roy, when did you first find out you had this incredible gift, the gift of 9 lives.

Roy// Well I first found out when I were about 12.

Interviewer// how did that happen?

Roy// Well I was down the park and I remember I were playing on't swings, I was wearing a red jumper aswell which was the fashion at the time. Then suddenly I heard an ice cream van approaching, in the excitement I swung me head round a bit too quickly and it sort of well (pause) me head, it just sort of …..fell off. It were quite scarey at the time.

Interviewer// your head fell off?

Roy// Yeah, but they managed to stick it back on, look you can still see the scar (Leans forward points to neck but you can't make out any scar) I can laugh about it now at least. Doctors than ran some tests and they found out I had a rare condition which meant I had nine lives.

Interviewer// And many lives do you have left?

Roy//err (brief pause) 8, or is it 7? I'm not sure

Mother// No Roy remember its 7, you always forget that one.

Roy// oh yes your right mother it's 7, sorry I forgot.

Interviewer// How did the other death happen?

Mother// well when Roy was 23, he er spontaneously combusted in't Safeway.

Shot of newspaper headline "Miracle Man spontaneously combusts: hundreds perish"

Interviewer// My goodness. Have you ever thought about the potential of this gift? You could use it to save lives. You could run into burning buildings, help earthquake victims out of collapsing structures.

Roy// (slight shrug of shoulders, seems unconcerned) umm

Shot of Roy in kitchen putting kettle on. The following line is said over this shot.

Roy// I prefer me own company you know, and I enjoy looking after mother.

Sound reverts to Roy in kitchen

Roy// Mother! do you want a cuppa?

Back to interview on sofa

Roy// I don't like going away much, I tend to get quite bad travel sickness, and I get terribly chesty if I'm outside for too long. No I think it's best I keep hold of these last seven lives, you know (pause) just in case.

Shot changes to depressing shot of Roy playing dominos with his Mother. It's silent except for a clock you can here ticking in the background.

Roy// (talks to his mother) I were gonna go down t'pub with Brian, but It looks like it might chuck it down. (pause) No I best not risk it.(LOOKS AT FINGER) oh I've got a paper cut.

INT NIGHT - AN OLD MAN LIES ON HIS DEATHBES, WATCHED BY HIS SON.

OLD MAN:
YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL ALWAYS REGRET NOT TELLING YOU?

SON (TENDERLY):
WHAT DAD?

THE OLD MAN'S EYES CLOSE

SON:
DAD! DAD!

VERY SLOW FADE TO WHITE, SFX CHOIRS OF ANGELS. CUT TO THE TWO MEN SURROUNDED BY WHITE IN WHITE ROBES.

SON:
NOW WE'RE IN HEAVEN DAD, WILL YOU TELL ME?

DAD:
IT'S YER MUM SON. SHE HAD THE SWEATIEST MINGE IN ALL OF CHRISTENDOM..

SON LOOKS CONFUSED AND DISGUSTED.

DAD:
SHE USED TO SAY IT WAS THE CAT'S BREATH BUT...

FADE TO RED, SFX , SOUND OF RUMBLING AND SCREAMING. WHITE OUT. CUT TO AN OLD WOMAN PACING AROUND IN HEAVEN, CARRYING FEMFRESH. FADE TO WHITE.

SON:
Can I Have a pound for some sweets Dad ?

FATHER:
I wish you could son, I wish you could, but unfortunately things haven't quite worked out the way we'd planned. Your mother was just 3 numbers away from the big one.

SON:
Oh not this again.

FATHER:
Wouldn't just be a pound for sweets either, it would be a Million pounds, you could buy solid Gold sweets.

SON:
I know, I know. And Diamond gumdrops.

FATHER:
No, No you'd choke on those, but don't worry my little sunshine, things'll work out for us one day.

SON:
I only wanted a pound

FATHER:
Unless the fickle mistress that is lady luck punches us up the Arse again with her delicate fist of fate.

SON: 50p ?

FATHER:
It's not just your mother who's been cursed by bad luck you know.
I could have walked away with the Jackpot on Who wants to be a Millionaire if it wasn't for a cruel twist of fate.

SON:
I think we've got some biscuits somewhere anyway.

FATHER:
All it needed was getting through, being the fastest finger and answering a series of questions. I was this close.

SON:
I might just have an Apple.

FATHER:
And don't you talk to me about Deal or no Deal.

SON:
I wasn't going to.

FATHER:
Good because I still have a bone to pick with them about not letting your Mother go on the show.
Noel Edmonds may as well have come over here himself & robbed us blind.

SON:
Where is Mum anyway?

FATHER:
She's just having a kip before the evening job.

SON:
Have you ever thought of getting a job Dad ?

FATHER:
If we can just get on the Goldenballs then I won't need to Sonny boy.
And your Mother can quit almost half of her jobs as well.

SON: (SARCASTICALLY)
Crikey, Mum really hit the Jackpot when she met you didn't she?

FATHER: (WISTFULLY)
...If only.

VAPOUR TAPS

SUSAN:
(on phone) Hello, Is this the plumbing company? I know its a Saturday but I was wondering if you'd be able to send someone out to look at my taps. I got them installed a few weeks ago they have a thin strip of unusual timber on them. I was told it was one of the rarest timbers in the world, made from the bark of a dogs mouth but now theres some sort of vapour coming off them. I knew I'd regret getting them.

JIM(Plumber):
Ah the old 'Vapour Taps'.

SUSAN:
You've heard of it?

JIM:
No. I havent a clue what you're on about. It might'nt be until this evening but I'll try and get someone out to you.

CUT. INT HOUSE. DOORBELL RINGS. SUSAN ANSWERS.

HENRY:
(Chewing Gum) Hi. I'm the plumber Henry Gach. Yeah, I done a job on a house last year aswell. So, what seems to be the trouble?

HE SCRUTINIZES ALL FURNITURE AND FIXTURES AS IF HE IS AN EXPERT ON EVERYTHING.

SUSAN:
Well its the taps actually. There seems to be some sort of vapour coming off them and I'm a little worried about it.

HENRY:
Vapour? Here lets have a look. Hmm, looks like you have whats known as 'vapour' coming off your taps. Do you have a downstairs bathroom?

SUSAN:
Yes just this way...

SHE LOOKS BACK AND THE PLUMBER IS NOW A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. SHE IS A LITTLE CONFUSED BUT CONTINUES ON.

HENRY:
Ah yes. These taps.. they're not the same as the ones in the kitchen, are they?

SUSAN:
Well no.

HENRY:
Yes. They're different, as in they are not them, as in they are their own individual taps....I like that.

SUSAN:
Look. I was just about to make a cup of tea. What say you have a quick cup before you start. Just take a seat in the livingroom and I'll bring it in.

HENRY:
Great.

SUSAN:
(FROM KITCHEN) How do you like it?

HENRY:
Oh, in a cup please.

SHE BRINGS IN THE TEA AND IS SHOCKED TO SEE THAT THE PLUMBER HAS CHANGED AGAIN TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

SUSAN:
(shakily) H-h-here you go.

HENRY:
Excellent.

SUSAN:
So. How long do you think it will take?

HENRY:
Well I have about 4 gulps taken and I still have a biscuit left...maybe another 12 or 13 gulps?

SUSAN:
No, the taps.

HENRY:
Oh well today is what?...The 12th, so another hour or so should do it.

SUSAN WALKS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN. THE PLUMBER FOLLOWS ABOUT 10 SECONDS LATER BUT HE HAS CHANGED AGAIN.
SUSAN TAKES A DOUBLE-TAKE BUT STILL DOESNT SAY ANYTHING.

HENRY:
Right, lets take a look at these taps.

HE STICKS HIS HEAD IN THE PRESS UNDER THE SINK.

HENRY:
(SINGING) 'Oh, vapour on taps and paper on maps, lets go and fix the problem'.

HENRY COME OUT OF THE PRESS AND AGAIN IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON.

HENRY:
There you go. That should do it.

SUSAN HAS HAD ENOUGH.

SUSAN:
Look this may seem crazy but I have seen you as about 5 completely different people since you came in here.

HENRY:
Thats perfectly normal. The vapour coming off those taps have been known to have halluncinogenic properties. Its all fixed now so you should be fine.

SUSAN:
Ohthat's a relief. Thank you so much. Bye now.

ALL 5 PLUMBERS CAN NOW BE SEEN.

PLUMBERS:
Bye, See you , Take care now.....

END.

EXT. Graveyard - Day

A man stands next to the open grave as a coffin rests at the bottom.

He cries mournfully.

MAN:
I never did take her up the shitter.

He cries hysterically.

END.

Votin' Leevil and opening votes till Thurs midnight!!!!

Nitram Skir.