INT. DOCTOR'S SURGERY. DAY.
DOCTOR is sitting at his desk, various medical certificates adorn the wall. DOCTOR lifts up phone.
DOCTOR:
Could you send in the next patient please.
SPIDERMAN walks into room.
DOCTOR:
Ah! Mr Spiderman, how can I help you?
SPIDERMAN:
Spiderman is fine doc, you can drop the Mr moniker.
DCOTOR:
Ah! Spiderman, how can I help you?
SPIDERMAN:
It's my spidey sense, my in-built radar that tingles when I'm in danger. It's, it's.. (SPIDERMAN starts to sob).. it's stopped tingling.
DOCTOR:
Ok, and where isn't it tingling?
SPIDERMAN:
At the back of my head. That's where it used to tingle but it ain't tingling anymore doc. (PAUSE) My superhero days are numbered.
DOCTOR:
So if one of your arch nemesises, is that the plural of nemisis? Anyway, if one of them was standing behind you with a sawn off shotgun, what you're saying is you wouldn't be able to tell?
SPIDERMAN:
I'm not one for exquisite vocabulary doc but isn't the plural of nemesis, nemesi?
DOCTOR:
Possibly, probably.
SPIDERMAN:
I just call them bad guys and they wouldn't have sawn off shotguns either, the world of superhero villianry is a lot more elaborate than that.
DOCTOR:
I'm out of touch.
CLOSE UP of DOCTOR writing on post-it note 'read more comics.'
SPIDERMAN:
But yeah, to answer your question, I wouldn't be able to sense the danger.
SPIDERMAN casually turns his head round the room.
DOCTOR:
And how are you mentally Spiderman?
SPIDERMAN:
I'm a mess doc. I can't sleep, I'm paranoid and my sex life is virtually non-existent.
DOCTOR:
There must be something in the air, would you believe Superman was here just a few days ago?
SPIDERMAN:
Ole' Soopy. What's up with him?
DOCTOR:
Due to doctor-patient confidentiality I couldn't possibly comment.
DOCTOR holds his hand up to his mouth and coughs whilst also muttering 'he can't get it up.'
SPIDERMAN:
Superman's got libido problems too?
DOCTOR:
Seriously, where did you hear that? (PAUSE) Hmmm, this is an unusual case. Ok, were you a fan of Laurel and Hardy Spiderman? I may be able to help you.
SPIDERMAN:
Doc, I got the whole Laurel and Hardy DVD collection, digitally remastered. I love them guys but I don't understand….
DOCTOR suddenly grabs SPIDERMAN'S head and twists it round the opposite way.
DOCTOR:
Strange cases call for strange methods Spiderman. I remember this from Laurel and Hardy, basically you've now got eyes on the back of your head. When you're walking North you'll be facing South.
SPIDERMAN:
Wow! My neck's a bit sore but hey this might work. Thanks doc.
SPIDERMAN leaves the room walking backwards but facing forwards.
Phone rings DOCTOR picks it up
DOCTOR:
Hello
VOICE:
It's a Miss Lois Lane doctor, she said you've been expecting her.
DOCTOR:
Yes, yes I have. Send her in at once and cancel all appointments for the next hour.
DOCTOR starts rubbing his hands and whistling.