British Comedy Guide

Pensions Sketch

Reporter: Good Evening and welcome to P double O Local News. With the credit crunch hitting us all hard, we see how today's pensioners, who we know all like a bloody good moan, are coping. Today we are in the home of a recently retired gentleman – Fred.

Fred: Good evening.

Reporter: How has the credit crunch hit you?

Fred: Well, very hard to be fair. The crunch caused our company to lose money and there just simply wasn't a position for me. I took early retirement and now I'm living on a pension.

Reporter: I would imagine like most pensioners you can't afford heating or to wash the urine smell out your clothes?

Fred: it's hard to make the adjustment to cut back to living on just £1500 a day.

Reporter: Sorry?

Fred: Yeap, the household staff have gone, well apart from cook, the butler and the gardener of course who could live without them eh?. We only have quails eggs twice a week. Had to cut back to £100 bottles of wine – cheap plonk really. Haven't had a holiday for three months now. I haven't even seen the Villa in what? 6 months.

Reporter: I don't get it Fred?

Fred:It's Sir Fred actually love. Sir Fred Goodwin. What's not to get? I'm just scrapping by. I gave my life working for RBS and look at me now. It's appalling the way pensioners like me are forced to live.

Reporter: £1500 a day? F**k me. Do you know what normal people get paid?

Fred: No idea. But it must be shitloads. A Mr Max Payer has just bailed out RBS to the tune of £30billion!

Reporter: Max Payer? There is no such person as Max Payer. It's the tax payer you stupid buffoon.

Fred: Oh. I see. I never did bother with all the finer details.<beat> like losses!

'P double O' "Tee-hee!" An unbelievably puerile, self-indulgent, lazy, sketch. Also 'Mr Max Payer/tax payer' is achingly contrived.

This sketch is funny enough for me to forget my complete outrage!

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