It's a bit of comedy/drama. I will post second and third acts if a majority enjoyed it.
It's about James and Orlando, two young racing drivers in the 60s. The start and endings is the characters as they are now as old men, a la BBC Three Casanova.
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THE FAST LANE DIARIES (WORKING TITLE)
1: "IN THE BEGINNING..."
ACT I
SCENE 1
2009. JAMES, ORLANDO AND SIR RICHARD OSWALD ARE WATCHING THE TELEVISION IN JAMES'S COUNTRY MANSION.
COMMENTATOR (FROM TV)
And Lewis Hamilton wins the World Championship.
JAMES
James Allen is an insufferable little oik. How dare he share the same forename as me.
ORLANDO
Don't be like that. You go well together. Two foppy, douchebag English muffins.
JAMES
Lando?
ORLANDO
Yes, James?
JAMES
Shut your neck.
JAMES TURNS TO FACE US.
JAMES
Ah hello there. My name is Lord James Smythe, and these are my friends, Orlando Nash and Sir Richard Oswald, and we're here to regale you with stories from yesteryear. Stories of our racing careers and stories of how we battled for freedom from criminals with the help of the good Sir Richard here, who will be with us, too.
OSWALD
Yes I...
OSWALD CLUTCHES HIS CHEST AND LEANS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND.
JAMES
Oh, God he's dead!
ORLANDO
Did we really like him anyway, though?
JAMES
Erm... come to think of it... not really, no. He was a bit of a bossy old twat. He was in his 90s so he had a good innings. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
ORLANDO (CROSSING HIMSELF SARCASTICALLY)
And all that f**k.
JAMES AND ORLANDO PICK UP THEIR DIARIES.
JAMES
No time like the present. In the beginning...
FADE TO:
1965. SIR RICHARD OSWALD - (MID 40S) - ACADEMIC, MEMBER OF THE FIA. SHORT GRAYING HAIR. WELL DRESSED. HE SITS UP HIS DESK IN THE STUDY OF HIS FANCY FRENCH RIVIERA MANSION. HIS SON, MAXWELL - (MID 20s) - SHORT, DARK HAIR, WELL DRESSED, ENTERS THE STUDY. HE'S CARRYING TWO THICK FILES. HE HANDS THEM TO RICHARD.
OSWALD
Thanks, son.
MAXWELL
Are you sure these two are right?
OSWALD (OPENING THE FILES)
I am. They're young, hungry drivers. They won't be tempted away by the money and they've both had their national service and both aren't stupid. Both have had education at Cambridge and Princeton. They fit the bill as far as I'm concerned.
OSWALD LOOKS IN THE FILES. THERE ARE NUMEROUS PICTURES OF THE TWO IN QUESTION - LORD JAMES SMYTHE AND ORLANDO NASH: TWO YOUNG RACING DRIVERS.
MAXWELL
That's true but we know their reputations. One's an American loose cannon, diamond-in-the-rough type. The other is a charm-filled aristocrat whose pre-race diet is probably champagne with caviar. Will they work well together to stop the S.I.C.K.?
OSWALD
I think so. With a little work they'll blend fine. Let's, for example, mix together two fantastic individual things like... whiskey and drambuie. Mix them together and you have one potent combination.
MAXWELL
That makes a Rusty Nail, doesn't it?
OSWALD
Thank you for wrecking my analogy, son. I don't have time for your smart-arse remarks. I have to catch a plane for South Africa in two hours. Now bugger off and make me a drink.
MAXWELL
OK. One Rusty Nail coming up.
SCENE 2
MEANWHILE IN SOUTH AFRICA... A CLOSEUP OF LORD JAMES SMYTHE - (MID 20s) - TALL, SLIM, SHORT DARK HAIR, IS COMBING HIS HAIR IN THE MIRROR IN HIS HOTEL ROOM. THE VIEW PANS OUT TO SHOW THE REFLECTION OF TWO WOMEN IN HIS BED. JAMES PUTS ON HIS JACKET. THE WOMEN SIGH IN DISAPPOINTMENT. JAMES LEANS FORWARD AND KISSES THEM.
JAMES
Bye, girls.
JAMES LEAVES HIS ROOM. HE SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF AND SMILES.
JAMES (to himself)
Oh you've still got it, Lord Smythe.
WE CUT TO A CLOSEUP OF ORLANDO NASH - (MID 20s) - TALL, SLIM, LONGISH DARK HAIR SITTING BACK IN THE BACKSEAT OF A CAR. HE SMILES. THE VIEW PANS OUT TO REVEAL IT'S THE BACKSEAT OF A LIMOUSINE AND HE'S SITTING WITH FOUR WOMEN, WHO ARE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE AND GIGGLING. ONE OF THEM POURS A GLASS WITH CHAMPAGNE AND OFFERS IT TO ORLANDO.
ORLANDO
No thanks. I'm driving a Grand Prix car in a few hours!
EVERYONE LAUGHS.
THE LIMO (DARK BROWN COLOUR) GETS TO THE ENTRANCE AT THE RACE CIRCUIT. ORLANDO GETS OUT AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE RACE CIRCUIT. IN THE WAY IS JAMES'S PARKED LOTUS EUROPA (DARK BLUE COLOUR). JAMES IS OUT OF THE CAR, MINGLING WITH FANS AT THE GATES. HE SIGNS ONE FEMALE FAN'S CLEAVAGE. ORLANDO GETS OUT OF THE LIMO.
ORLANDO
Err... yeah hi. Could you do that after you've won, Mr Big Shot? Thanks, bye.
THE FEMALE FAN SNOGS JAMES, TAKING HIM BY SURPRISE, BUT QUICKLY BECOMES SENSUAL AND GETS INTO IT. ORLANDO LOOKS OUT OF THE LIMO WINDOW AND STARTS TO BECOME IRRITATED. HE GETS OUT OF THE CAR AGAIN. HE WALKS TOWARDS JAMES AND THE FEMALE FAN, WHO ARE STILL KISSING. HE PRISES THEM APART.
ORLANDO
Alright. Who are you?
FEMALE FAN
He's Lord James Smythe. The most talented British racing driver since Jim Clark. Who are you?
ORLANDO
I'm Lando Nash. The most talented racing driver since Fangio.
FEMALE FAN
Yeah right. Good luck, James!
THEY KISS AGAIN. ORLANDO STORMS BACK INTO THE LIMO IN A HUFF. JAMES GETS BACK IN HIS CAR AND DRIVES THROUGH THE ENTRANCE. BACK IN THE LIMO THE DRIVER FOLLOWS THE EUROPA INTO THE ENTRANCE. THE CARS PARK SIDE-BY-SIDE IN THE PADDOCK. JAMES GETS OUT AND EYEBALLS LANDO. HE GIVES LANDO A COCKSURE SMILE. LANDO TURNS TO THE GIRLS. HE SMILES AND KISSES THEM ONE-BY-ONE. HE GETS OUT. AS HE WALKS FURTHER ON, HE WAVES TO THEM. THEY WAVE BACK. ONE OF THE WOMEN WINDS THE WINDOW DOWN, LEANS OUT AND...
WOMAN PASSENGER
We'll pick you up after you've won, Mr Nash!
ORLANDO
Ha ha! See ya.
THE LIMO DRIVES OFF. THE HORN GOES AS IT DRIVES AWAY. ORLANDO SMILES TO HIMSELF.
ORLANDO (TO HIMSELF)
Ha ha. Good job the leather seats are easily wipeable.
SCENE 3
JAMES IS SITTING IN HIS CAR, DRINKING A CUP OF TEA. HE'S CHATTING TO AN ENGINEER.
JAMES
Did you fit the new tyres?
JAMES'S ENGINEER
Of course, M'Lord.
JAMES
How's the suspension?
JAMES'S ENGINEER
All should be working fine.
JAMES
Excellent. Better get into my overalls. I don't think London's hard-working tailors would appreciate me wearing a nice suit in a racing car, would they?
AT ORLANDO'S GARAGE HE, TOO IS SITTING IN HIS CAR, CHATTING TO AN ENGINEER.
ORLANDO
Wow. I've said it before and I'll say it again - it's such a tight space in a racing car you couldn't have an erection in here.
ORLANDO'S ENGINEER
What sort of person would get sexually aroused when you're going over a 100 miles and hour in a highly dangerous Grand Prix car?
ORLANDO PONDERS THIS OVER IN HIS HEAD.
ORLANDO
Err... Hugh Hefner?
ORLANDO'S ENGINEER
I think it's time to get into your overalls, son.
ORLANDO
OK. I will in a minute
ORLANDO'S ENGINEER
Why not now?
ORLANDO
Because I have an erection.
SCENE 4
THE CARS ARE ON THE GRID. THE PIT CREWS ARE OUT DOING FINAL CHECKS AND THE LIKE. JAMES LOOKS OVER TO ORLANDO FROM A DISTANCE. JAMES WINKS AT HIM. ORLANDO STARES BLANKLY FOR A BEAT THEN PUTS ON HIS GLOVES, CRASH HELMET AND GOGGLES. JAMES TURNS AWAY WITH A SMILE AND PUTS ON HIS GLOVES, CRASH HELMET AND GOGGLES. WE HAVE A VIEW OF JAMES AND ORLANDO GETTING IN THEIR CARS IN UNISON. THE PIT CREWS CLEAR, AND THE CARS START TO REV UP. AT THE SIDE OF THE TRACK A FAT, BALD MAN APPEARS WITH A SOUTH AFRICAN FLAG. HE STANDS STILL FOR A BEAT THEN WAVES IT. THE CARS MOVE OFF. DOWN INTO THE FIRST CORNER A FEW CARS AT THE BACK COLLIDE AND SPIN OFF. JAMES PASSES TWO CARS IN AS MANY CORNERS. HE HAS ONLY THREE CARS IN FRONT OF HIM NOW. ORLANDO IS EIGHTH. HE PASSES ONE CAR AND ANOTHER THAT'S BROKEN DOWN ON THE SIDE OF THE TRACK. JAMES'S CAR WOBBLES AND ONE OF THE TWO CARS HE PASSED BEFORE PASS HIM BACK. ORLANDO IS NOW ONE PLACE BEHIND HIM. ORLANDO STICKS TO HIM LIKE GLUE. HE MAKES AN ATTEMPT TO PASS JAMES, BUT JAMES CUTS HIM OFF. ORLANDO MAKES ANOTHER ATTEMPT, TOUCHES JAMES'S BACK WHEEL. BOTH SLIDE OFF THE TRACK. JAMES'S CAR CAREERS INTO THE BARRIERS. ORLANDO RECOVERS AND GETS GOING AGAIN. JAMES CLIMBS OUT OF HIS CAR. HE'S OK. HE LOOKS AT ORLANDO'S CAR SPEEDING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. BACK WITH ORLANDO AND HE'S NOW ELEVENTH. HE PASSES THE TENTH PLACED CAR. BACK WITH JAMES AND HE'S NOW BACK AT THE PITS, DRINKING ANOTHER CUP OF TEA. AN ENGINEER OFFERS TO TOP IT UP WITH JACK DANIELS. JAMES HOLDS HIS MUG OUT. THE ENGINEER FILLS THE MUG. JAMES LOOKS A BIT DEJECTED. IN THE DISTANCE THERE'S A SOUND OF A FAILING ENGINE. ORLANDO'S CAR PULLS IN THE PITS, BILLOWING SMOKE FROM ITS REAR. JAMES LOOKS UP. HE LAUGHS. ORLANDO SHAKES HIS HEAD IN THE CAR. HE GETS OUT AND REMOVES HIS GOGGLES, HELMET AND GLOVES. HE STORMS INTO HIS PIT GARAGE. JAMES CONTINUES TO LAUGH. BACK IN THE RACE, JIM CLARK WINS THE RACE. HE PULLS INTO THE PITS. JAMES WALKS UP TO HIM AND SHAKES HIS HAND. JAMES GLANCES OVER TO ORLANDO'S PIT GARAGE. HE SMILES.
FADE OUT.
SCENE 5
THE LOTUS CREW CELEBRATE AND THE CHAMPAGNE FLOWS. JAMES TAKES A SIP FROM HIS GLASS. HE TAKES OUT A CIGAR FROM HIS POCKET.
JAMES
Does anyone have a light?
EVERYONE LAUGHS. A CREW MEMBER GETS OUT A MATCH AND LIGHTS JAMES'S CIGAR. ORLANDO WALKS INTO THE BAR. SITTING AT A TABLE IN THE CORNER ARE THE GIRLS FROM THE LIMO. HE SHOVES A LOTUS CREW MEMBER OUT OF THE WAY. JAMES TAPS HIS FINGER ON ORLANDO'S SHOULDER.
JAMES
Excuse me. You shoved my friend.
ORLANDO
So?
JAMES
Well it lacks any sort of social etiquette. It's not my fault your car broke down.
ORLANDO
I know it wasn't. However it was your fault I went off the track.
JAMES
As far as I'm concerned it was an impossible place to overtake. If you had the patience and waited you could've tried to overtake me on the next corner, but I wouldn't have let you past anyway.
ORLANDO
Do you want a fight, buddy?
JAMES
Certainly not. You?
ORLANDO
I didn't want to before but I do now.
JAMES
Is that a challenge?
ORLANDO
Yes. Do you accept?
JAMES TURNS TO HIS PIT CREW.
JAMES
Of course.
JAMES TURNS TO ORLANDO IN A FLASH AND PUNCHES HIM ON THE NOSE. ORLANDO FALLS BACKWARDS ONTO A TABLE.
JAMES
Could someone hold my cigar?
THE PIT CREW CHEER JAMES ON. HIS ENGINEER TAKES THE CIGAR.
ENGINEER
Go on, M'Lord. F**k him up!
ORLANDO
Lord? I've never beaten up a Lord before.
JAMES
Nor shall you.
JAMES KICKS HIM UP THE BACKSIDE. ORLANDO GETS UP. JAMES UNDOES HIS TIE AND TOP BUTTON. HE STANDS THERE, WAITING FOR ORLANDO TO STAND UP AND MAKE HIS NEXT MOVE. JAMES THROWS A PUNCH. ORLANDO DUCKS AND PUNCHES JAMES IN THE GUT. AT THE BAR, THE BARMAN RINGS THE POLICE. JAMES RECOVERS HIMSELF. HE MOVES A FEW PACES. ORLANDO BACKS OFF. ORLANDO THROWS A PUNCH. JAMES CATCHES HIS FIST. HE PUSHES ORLANDO TO THE GROUND. JAMES TAKES A SIP FROM THE CHAMPAGNE GLASS. ORLANDO GETS UP. HE LANDS A PUNCH ON JAMES'S CHIN. HE GETS UP. FOUR POLICEMEN BURST THROUGH THE DOOR. JAMES AND ORLANDO POINT AT EACH OTHER.
JAMES/ORLANDO
Arrest him.
THE POLICEMEN GRAB JAMES AND ORLANDO.
END OF ACT I