Things you bragged about at school but never did..

...you first.

Have sex.

Although, I never bragged about it. Just told a few porkies.

Goes without saying...

Well, I take it back then.

I kept bragging at school that my dad was going to buy a Corvette. It was true, he was...he never did get one though, but I got some good mileage out of it (no pun intended).

For quite a while I had the entire school convinced that I could bend spoons with my mind. In actual fact I'd tried it a few times at home and did have some success - but could never replicate it at school, so I'd just bend the cutlery with brute force when people weren't looking. It went on for years until I got pissed off with the whole thing and told everyone I'd been having them on. They didn't believe me. The lie had grown into a monster, which culminated in Mrs Ferguson (a very strict and entirely-unpleasant teacher), pulled me out of class and forced me to stand in front of her own class (a group of about 40 kids) and "perform". I found out later that she'd been telling the kids that the paranormal was nonsense, and one of the kids had mentioned me, so her plan was to humiliate and debunk me in front of everyone.

Anyway, she'd got a load of paperclips and put them into a jar so I couldn't touch them. She said if there was one bent paperclip in the jar after I'd held it, she'd write an article in the school rag announcing her belief in the paranormal. What actually happened was all of the paperclips bent. Maybe it was the pressure of the moment and all the kids rooting for me or whatever, but something major happened in that sealed glass jar about 20 seconds into me holding it. I gave it back to her and she opened it to much laughter in the class. She sent me back to my class, and ten minutes later I was called to the deputy head's office and hauled over the coals for "playing a cruel trick" on Mrs Ferguson.

And before anyone asks, no I can't do it anymore. It was strictly confined to my teen years, when I was extra-freaky. I've since read up on the subject and it's actually quite a common thing with troubled kids - although most hide it instead of showboating like I did.

Bizarre story that ain't it? But true!

Can't resist: So you were a bender at school too

When I was very ickle, I told some older girls in my class that I was gonna dye my hair blue to impress them. I also told them Walt Disney ripped off my ideas. You really had to be there.

I said Lemmy (from Motorhead) had been my milkman and that my dad had done the cash register sound effects on the Are You Being Served theme tune. They were obviously jokes, but so ridiculous that no one doubted them

I used to brag to the younger boys about stopping for cigarette breaks during cross-country runs.

This was an obvious untruth to those in my year, since I always finished in the top three of cross-countries and only smoked cigars.

Quote: Leevil @ February 20 2009, 8:41 PM GMT

Can't resist: So you were a bender at school too

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For f**k's sake...

I have relatives and roots in America, this led me to some slight exaggeration at school, around the age when America was "cool man".

Apparently, I used to go there on holiday every year (never have), countless girlfriends (never had 1 at school ), and one named Stella Artois, (I was looking at a billboard at the time) she was Canadian, when her name was questioned, I squirmed out the answer (lie) that her Dad owned the company, in Canada(?!) Even though it's a Belgian drink.

>_<

Not so much a brag but I remember being on a school skiing trip to Italy back in '81 and the fashion in the resort was to wear furry (on the outside) boots. I said to a particularly irksome twat that you had to have a licence because they were made from real animal fur.

One kid bought a pair and said twat relayed the licence story to which he got hit by a volley of hilarity and derision. About the only time during school I got one over him.

Another memory is one that doesn't involve me but amusing all the same for a comedy forum. My dad often used to answer the phone in his best John Inman impersonation by saying 'Menswear'. On one memorable occasion it was the school head ringing up to talk about something my brother had done.

Lee, that story is superb. What happened in the deputy head's office?

Agreeed! Tell!