A Romantic Abroad

I found this sketch wot I rote ages ago. Not sure what it's trying to say really, other than the French do "passion" better than us. I like the ranting Frenchman though.

1. INT. PARISIAN BAR. NIGHT.

AN ENGLISH TOURIST (STEVE) APPROACHES THE BAR WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND (KAREN). THE BARMAN (FABRICE) WALKS OVER, CLEANING A GLASS.

STEVE:
Alright mate. Pint and half of lager and a packet of pork scratchings please.

FABRICE:
Non.

STEVE:
Sorry?

FABRICE:
I say non. Je refuse!

HE THROWS DOWN HIS CLEANING CLOTH INDIGNANTLY.

STEVE:
Easy mate, what's your problem?

FABRICE:
(SNEERING) Look at you, you English monkey. 'Ave you not one single romantic bone in your entire furking body? You come over 'ere, with zis beautiful flower on your arm. Zis magnifique specimen of womanhood who I would gladly give ALL of my testicles for, and you forcefeed her cheap beer and ze scabs of ze pigs!

HE SPITS ON THE BAR IN DISGUST.

STEVE:
Whoah!

KAREN:
It's alright, really…

FABRICE:
Non! It is NOT alright cherie! Why, if you were mine I would shower you in finest champagne and truffles morning, noon and night. And zen I would make love to you, over and over and over again until you screamed at ze moon for ze orgasms to cease!

KAREN:
(FLUSTERED, BUT EXCITED) Oh!

STEVE:
Now wait a minute…

FABRICE:
…but zey would never cease, cherie! Never! Only when you were on ze point of dying of sexual excitement would I allow my hips to momentarily slow down from ze speed of light to a more sedate 500 thrusts per minute! And zen as you gasped for mercy cherie, comes ze melted chocolate!

KAREN:
M…melted chocolate?

FABRICE:
Oh oui! I keep by my bed a huge chocolate fondue set, always bubbling, so hot, so sticky, so sweet…

KAREN:
…so sweet…

FABRICE:
Oui, so sweet. And zen, just before your mind explodes into a million erotic fragments of lust, I would take ze chocolate and…

KAREN:
Yes? Yes?

FABRICE:
…and pour it all over your…

STEVE:
Alright! That's enough! I get it! (TO KAREN) I'm sorry, alright? I know I'm not romantic enough, but I can do it! I know I can!

FABRICE:
Oui! Oui! Now keep zat fire in your belly mon brave! Show her your love! Your desire! Now order!

STEVE:
I'll have…

FABRICE:
Oui?

STEVE:
Pint and half of lager and a packet of dry-roasted peanuts please.

FABRICE AND KAREN LOOK AT HIM DISDAINFULLY.

STEVE:
Honey-roasted?

END SKETCH

Now if it was chocolate coated peanuts, you'd have won me over

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Loved the characters and funny, clever dialogue but felt you could do more with the ending like, say, Fabrice gradually leading Karen away while Steve searches through the menu for something romantic.
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Quote: Morrace @ February 20 2009, 7:28 PM GMT

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Loved the characters and funny, clever dialogue but felt you could do more with the ending like, say, Fabrice gradually leading Karen away while Steve searches through the menu for something romantic.
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Yeah - like I say I think there's something in there, I do like the passionate Frenchman...maybe I should keep him as a character within something more substantial. I could see him as a secondary character in a wacky sitcom. At the moment I don't think it really works as a sketch but the idea of the uber-romantic French guy frustrated by the ignorant English pigs really makes me laugh.

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Yes, great basic characters for a sitcom, Lee!
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Good stuff Uri, although "FABRICE: Non." was strangely the biggest laugh from me. Not to say I didn't enjoy the rest, but for some reason it tickled me.

Anyway, yeah, good stuff.

It's a lovely setup but doesn't have enough zing for a sketch. Maybe if you go more overboard and have Karen give herself over to Fabrice, forcing Steve to watch as he sexes her right there on the bar. Still not sure how to end it satisfactorily though. Maybe you would be better keeping the character for a sitcom instead.

I enjoyed this. The French character was very defined. Maybe end it with Steve flailing verbally around trying to find a way to top the barman? Steve could offer to drink the lager out of her shoe. Then offers to drink the lager out of shoe in the moonlight? Then she says something like "I'm not having you ruin my favorite pair of Manolo Blahniks. Don't you know what these things cost?"
Just a thought...