This is an old sketch (a couple of years at least) that never quite worked. It was going to be a recurring character but I couldn't see much mileage in it. Anyway, I've finally come up with an ending but... is it any good?
INT. A SMALL LIVINGROOM - DAY
Here sits BRIDIE DRACULA, late teens, goth and supposed vampire. She is dressed in black, with black dyed hair, black makeup and nails. She is plump. She basically resembles a grumpy panda.
She sits slumped on a sofa. She watches TV. The curtains are drawn.
The voice of her mother comes from O.S.
MOTHER (O.S.)
Bridie, if you've got a minute could you pop down the shops? I need some sprouts.
BRIDIE
Mam, how many times do I have to tell yer, I can't go out there or I'll burst into flames. Vampires have to stay out of the sun, don't they?
MOTHER (O.S.)
Sorry dear, I didn't think. But it won't be dark for ages, and I want to get started on dinner.
BRIDIE
Oh fine, I'll just go to the shop will I, surrounded by innocent humans with their deliciously pulsing jugulars. Oh, I hope my supernatural animalistic urges don't get the better of me, Mam, eh? Did you think about that? Oh, there's a bloodbath down the corner shop but it's all right cos Mam's got her sprouts. God! You are so selfish sometimes.
Enter Mother.
MOTHER
You know, Bridie, I've been fair with you, I've been playing along, but you've got to face facts, love. You're not a vampire.
BRIDIE
Oh right. I suppose I'm completely delusional, am I?
MOTHER
You're just confused, love.
BRIDIE
Oh confused is it? So confused I might catch fire in the sunlight, is that what you're saying? Oh look, Bridie's on fire! Don't worry, she just a little perplexed this morning. Look at her furrowed little brow as it turns to dust.
MOTHER
You're overreacting.
BRIDIE
Overreacting? Have you ever been on fire?
MOTHER
Have you?
BRIDIE
Not even the point. Oh fine! Right! I'll go.
MOTHER
Put your coat on love, the sun's out but there's still a chill in the air.
BRIDIE
I'll have to put a big hat on, and sunglasses.
She puts these clothes on.
BRIDIE (CONT'D)
There! Hopefully that'll be enough protection.
MOTHER
If it makes you happy dear.
BRIDIE
I'm telling you, there's going to be a bloodbath.
MOTHER
I know dear, but we really do need some sprouts.
BRIDIE
God!
She stamps out of the front door, slamming the door as she goes.
MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Was that Bridie leaving?
MOTHER
Yes, dear.
MAN'S VOICE
Did you tell her? She can't go on like this.
MOTHER
I tried, but you know what she's like. It's not easy you know...
Mother walks into the kitchen where her husband sits at the table. He is dressed in full DRACULA-STYLE VAMPIRE regalia.
MOTHER (CONT'D)
Telling your daughter she's adopted.
Dracula shrugs and bites into some toast.
End.
