1. INT. A LIVING ROOM - DAY
DORIS, a dotty-looking old lady, sits at a table. BOB and LINDA sit opposite. They look slightly nervous as Doris goes through her routine...
DORIS
Oh, are you there? Can you hear me O spirits from beyond?
A grumpy OLD MAN appears behind her. He is of spectral appearance. Because he's a ghost.
OLD MAN
Hello? What is it?
DORIS
Please answer me, are you there? One knock for yes, two for no.
OLD MAN
Yes, I'm here, what is it?
DORIS
One knock for yes, two for no.
OLD MAN
I'm here, I'm here, what do you want me to knock for?
DORIS
One knock for yes...
OLD MAN
Oh for fffff...
He raps on the table. Bob and Linda look surprised.
LINDA
It's him! Is it him, are you there, Dad?
OLD MAN
Of course I'm here you dippy bint. Hello?
DORIS
One knock for yes, two for no.
OLD MAN
Oh, fine, whatever.
He knocks once.
DORIS
Do you have a question for the dear departed, my loves?
LINDA
Is he happy?
OLD MAN
Happy? Am I happy?
DORIS
Oh spirit of the deceased, we do implore you...
OLD MAN
I'll give you a clue. Do you know what I was saying just this morning? "Aaaaagh! Get your hands out of there. Aaaagh! It hurts!" Does that help?
DORIS
Are you happy in the afterlife?
OLD MAN
Every morning a big red man with antlers sticks a massive, red hot poker up my jacksie. Do you want to see it? I can show you it if you like.
DORIS
One knock for yes, two for no my lovely.
OLD MAN
I've got a bumhole the size of a dinner plate.
There is a knock.
OLD MAN (cont'd)
Wait! That wasn't me! You cheating cow!
DORIS
He wants you to know he is happy, he still loves you, and he is watching over you.
OLD MAN
You droopy, wrinkled charlatan! You fraudulent old walnut. Watching over them? I'm in hell! How can I watch over them? All I can see down there is my own ankles as Satan himself rummages around elbow-deep in my puckered knapsack. He's got big hands. Biiiig hands!
LINDA
It's such a comfort to know he's at peace.
Doris leans over and pats Linda's hand.
Smoke starts to rise from beneath the old man's feet. We can hear flames, and distant, echoey laughter. He looks down.
OLD MAN
Oh no! I don't want to go back down. Oh Christ, I can see him rolling up his sleeves. No! Noooo!
And he is sucked back down into Hell.
DORIS
Was he in a lot of pain before he passed?
LINDA
No, he was very active. He spent the last years of his life in a bungalow in Middlesbrough.
DORIS
Middlesbrough? Well, he's in a better place now.
2 INT. HELL - CONTINUOUS
Hell is as fiery and smoky as you would imagine. We can hear the screams of the damned.
The Old Man is bent double. His backside is off camera. He moves as though being rhythmically shoved from behind. He looks to be in some pain.
He looks at the camera.
OLD MAN
Can't argue with that, like. You've got to count your blessings.
END.
