Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 28

Yep. The show on the 18th is the final one for submissions.

'Tis a sad day.
Hey, hopefully Phil and the gang have other ideas in the pipeline.

Sad day indeed. RIP Watson's Wind Up. Where am I going to send me crap now?

Tam,

I didn't know what Woody from the Bay City Rollers looked like but a Google image search confirms the Sturgeon similarity.
Absolute Quality!!!!

Gary

I'm playing again:

Sketches:

MAN 1 - Did you hear about that postie who hid more than 500 letters because he'd had a bad week?

MAN 2 - Was he American?

MAN 1 - No, why?

MAN 2 - I heard Tiger Woods hit a post, man.
END

MAN 1 - Did you hear about Artur Boruc? He could end up in court for allowing his girlfriend's sister to drive his car without insurance.

LADY 1 – Oh I hope he gets away with it, I used to date him.

MAN 1 - What was he like?

LADY 1 - Lovely. He used to buy me flowers and write poetry. He was a keeper.
END

MAN 1 - What about that woman who tried to steal her boyfriend's car after he dumped her.

MAN 2 - Tried? What went wrong?

MAN 1 - She couldn't get it started so she just rolled it into a ditch.

MAN 2 - He should have give her a jump.
END

MAN 1 - Have you heard the latest on Glasgow's Commonwealth Games? They may include women's boxing.

MAN 2 - Do you think we'll win any medals?

MAN 1 - Nah, it's women boxing…not boxing women.
END

MAN 1 -Did you hear that 50 cent has offered to take Susan Boyle out on a date?

MAN 2 - She won't agree to that. I bet she's the kind of woman who'll stay in every night reading a novel.

MAN 1 - Either way she'll be going to bed with half a buck.
END

MAN 1 – What about those two "I'm a Celebrity" stars who've been charged with animal cruelty after cooking and eating a rat.

MAN 2 – Aye, the police are now looking for their accomplices…UB40.
END

MAN 1 - Did you hear that Stephen Hendry has likened playing snooker to torture?

MAN 2 - Aye, I watched him. He was shocking in the balls.
END

MAN 1 – I heard that the Nintendo Wii can potentially lead to fractured limbs and damaged knees.

MAN 2 – It can; especially when you play the Tiger Woods game.
END

MAN 1 - Did you hear that those Go Go Hamsters may be poisonous?

MAN 2 - Aye, I can guess what Freddie Starr's getting for Christmas.
END

MAN 1 - Did you hear that a man is facing a court appearance for laughing?

MAN 2 – How can a judge stop a man from laughing?

MAN 1 – He could sentence him to three months of 'Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps'.
END

Quick Gags:

A man has left £220,000 in his will to towns which share his surname. Douglas Borough Council are now £10,000 better off, thanks to Mr Cesspit.

A female soldier has won her battle to be allowed entry to a sexist social club. The club owner has accepted the decision: "I guess it's time to let the ladies in…those sandwiches won't make themselves."

A man has admitted filming himself having sex with a dog. It was less embarrassing for Alex Reid when he was just a cross-dresser.

A campaign is underway to criminalise men who have paid for sex. Tiger can't catch a break.

A major road development could be stopped in its tracks by a colony of bats. On reflection, they should never have gone through The Belfry.

An American journalist has claimed that Scots eat junk food, are difficult to understand and are inherently dangerous. He went on to comment on the ferocious blackness of the Scottish kettle.

A woman ended up with a potato peeler embedded in her hand after an attack by her ex-boyfriend. He was mashed.

A Rangers supporting binman has been beaten with a shovel. His colleagues thought he was a Bury fan.

Joe Jordan and Billy Dodds have urged the appointment of a Scot to replace George Burley. The SFA are considering Gordon Ramsay, as he can make 11 puddings look attractive.

Several Santas were put through their paces by a military fitness instructor in preparation for the Great Scottish Santa Run. The Santas claimed it was a misunderstanding; they were looking for a sleigh driver.

Bad news about the show ending. I have to admit partial responsibility for not sending them anything decent enough to use.

A few of this weeks attempts...

Susan Boyle has admitted she has the hots for David Hasselhoff…well you would need to be a raging alcoholic.

Two horses died in a barn fire in rural Stirling. Central Scottish Fire service identified the stallions as 'Flaming Glory' and 'Blazing Saddle.'

A financial adviser from Berlin was kidnapped and tortured by a gang of pensioners also known as the 'So Saggy Crew.'

SCIENTISTS have unveiled what they claim are the world's first bionic fingers, the first pair have been tested by Tiger Woods who stated "I just can't keep my hands to myself"

Nice stuff guys.

Gerry - faves were boxing woman, sandwiches.

CKY88 - blazing saddles must be in with a shout.

That's another couple of gags sent in (can't believe next week is last show!)

Man 1:
I was hearing that loads of couples who get married are starting to mesh their surnames.

Man 2:
What, instead of the wife dropping her surname?

Man 1:
Aye that's right.

Man 2:
Oh well. Let's hope Zoe Ball and Andrew Sachs never get together!!

Got this message through from Philip. Shame really.

thanks john,
obvioulsy diappointed with the show's demise but niot much we can do about it. Still, one more to go, next week's is the last, the very last one so we want to go out on a high.

philip

PS

I actually quite enjoy reading material... well, most of the time.

PPS
somebody beat you to the Osbourne/Burka/Ashamed gag.

Here are my, as usual appalling, efforts:

A fifth of Scots have poor literacy skills. It appears to mostly affect the fifth located above the shoulders.

The oldest book in Scotland is going on public display for the first time in its history. It dates from the 11th Century and is thought to contain recipes on how to fry everything.

Edinburgh could get its own version of the London Eye. Plans suggest it would be 120 metres high and offer an unparallelled view of fog and rain.

MSPs have voted to push for greater powers before the next general election. Alex Salmond asked for super-strength and x-ray vision, whilst finance minister John Swinney requested invisibility.

The Scottish government have reminded parents of their duties in getting children to school as figures show more than 6,000 may be playing truant every day. When we rang for comment, the minister was "not in the office today".

====================
1:Have you heard bankers are to be taxed at 50%?
2:What?!!
1:Bankers, mate. Bankers.
2hew! Thank God for that!
====================
1:I hear the government are going to give out money to scrap your old boiler.
2:That's ridiculous. I'm not doing my own ironing!
=====================
1:The Literary Commission have found that almost 9 in 5 Scots have trouble reading and writing.
2o, when do the Numeracy Commision release their results?
=====================

Dan

Awww no!
What a shame it's not being recommissioned.

How do you do those petitions Dan?

http://www.petitiononline.com/petition.html

Then get somebody famous who likes it to twitter a link

Dan

I'm really sad to hear Watsons Wind Ups has wound up.

It was a great show, and was good to hear jokes from BCGers on there.

*dances on Differ's grave*

Are you sure you're not Gregor Fisher?