Quote: Gregor Shamsa @ November 25 2009, 5:44 PM GMTTam, 40 lashes is a brilliant gag.
I preferred the 'pokey' version
I liked your 'Bobbies on the Beat' line Gregor, excellent stuff.
More lame puns, witticisms and general tomfoolery:
Scientists have discovered a link between poverty and ugliness. The findings are somewhat controversial, as the test group was just Susan Boyle.
Prestwick airport has been evacuated three times in a month - because workers keep burning toast. The management are livid; it's costing them bread.
Doctors in Dundee have issued a warning about a legal drug. 'Bubbles' is a potential killer, just look what happened to Michael Jackson.
Gordon Brown has urged Europe to go for growth. "This is worrying news," said a mole.
Plans are being considered for a statue of Jock Stein in his home town. Similar tributes are a lot less frequent in Brazil; although Pele did have an erection in 1983.
A shop worker was left red-faced when she called comedian Rowan Atkinson "Mr Pea". The comedian did not take it well - he pulled out a shooter.
Michael Jackson's glove has fetched over 200 grand at an auction. The buyer paid 50 grand for the glove and another 150 to have it removed from a small child.
Trainspotting author Irvine Welsh has urged politicians to tackle Scotland's "cheap bevvy" culture. Gordon Brown has responded by asking Welsh to cut down on superfluous exposition.
New guidelines have been introduced to protect Scotch whisky from inexpensive imitations. A biscuit manufacturer has now shelved plans to introduce a cheap bourbon.
A mum-of-six has hit out after being put on probation for sending indecent pictures of herself to her ex. She said, "It was an honest mistake, I was trying to send them to a Susan Boyle look-alike competition.
A retailer has been accused of charging extortionate sums for Christmas toys as demand outstrips supply. The case has been referred to the monopoly commission.
Cheryl Cole's marriage is no longer in trouble. She's finally flashing her ring.
A drug addict who stole an 86-year-old woman's purse with only a hearing aid inside is evading capture by the police. She can hear them coming from three miles away.
A couple have been caught having sex in a public telephone box, offering a new slant to the phrase, "Give us a bell."
A Scottish academic believes that Jesus may have visited Britain. He was probably just publicising his book.
Thierry Henry considered quitting football after the furore over France's win over Ireland. No-one would have been surprised to see him hand in his notice.
The entrance to one of Scotland's busiest hospitals was closed off after the driver of a double-decker bus collided with a walkway, slicing off the roof. The situation quickly deteriorated when several Celtic players tried to sneak on to the top deck.
A schoolgirl who went to see Beyonce was delighted when the superstar handed her one of her earrings. The girl was partially deaf, so she was pleased with the earring aid.
A doctor forced a holiday flight to make an emergency stop in Athens. The GP was a regular in Gordon Ramsay's restaurant, so he's familiar with swimming in Greece.
Broadband speeds in Inverness are the slowest of any city in Scotland. One local said; "It's frustrating, when the wife's at bingo I like to watch a bit of filth - it took me over an hour to download Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps."
Shortly before their Champion's League match against Rangers, 50 Stuttgart supporters were involved in a disturbance on Glasgow's Subway. They didn't take kindly to the store running out of baguettes.
Susan Boyle has left her luxury mansion because her cat was unhappy. Boyle was following often-heard advice: "Whatever you do, just keep your kitten."
Short Back and Forths:
MAN 1
Did you know that cases of syphilis have reached their highest level in more than 50 years?
MAN 2
Aye, I've heard that some carriers are knowingly infecting people.
MAN 1
That's claptrap.
END
MAN 1
Did you hear that Kris Boyd has grown a moustache in a campaign to promote cancer charities?
MAN 2
Really? Did he raise much money?
MAN 1
No, but smear tests have gone through the roof.
END