Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 23

My flops this week (I assume they flopped, I haven't had a chance to hear the full episode yet)

Diego Maradona has been banned from having anything to do with football for the next two months, leaving him free to take temporary charge of the Scotland team.

News that T-Mobile staff have been selling customer details to rival firms has left George Burley unaffected, as he won't be getting offered a new contract by anyone soon.

The Large Hadron Collider is set to be restarted within days. The idea of simple things going round in circles and colliding with each other to catastrophic effect is thought to have been inspired by the Scottish back four.

They used lines from my sketch where, because of Katie Price and Sam Fox, Colin and Justin aren't the only pair of big tits in the jungle.
They substituted the word tits for an alternative.
And my name didn't come up on the end credits.
Mind you, like "deadwood/Jedward" which I've seen literally everywhere lately, it was quite an obvious gag that multiple peeps could have come up with.

Quote: Bert Bastard @ November 12 2009, 5:08 PM GMT

In an effort to boost New Labour's poll ratings, the Miliband brothers - David and Ed - are going to form their own version of Jedward. Like the twins, they have no talent, both look odd, nobody can vote them out and are going to call themselves Dedward.

View original

Not quite the same joke, but pretty close.

http://order-order.com/2009/11/22/jonah-curses-jedward-tories-immediately-launch-deadwood-digital-poster-campaign/

Nothing this week, but onwards and upwards. My kids have got about two weeks of scraps left to eat, so no pressure yet.

Nothing this week from me.

At least one of my setups was done by someone else with a much stronger punchline, although I still preferred my one about the student who the bank accidentally paid 35k to.

The punchline they used was something like 'he's drinking til all hours and sleeping half the day, so its good to know the money hasn't changed him.'

I emphasised the actual fact that he immediately went in, told them, and returned the money and went with a 'Finally proving that a university education just can't teach common sense'.

Anyone know what happens about payment for anything you get on the show?

I presume it's all sorted out after the series has finished.

Can't wait to get a cheque for my 15 seconds of fame.

They'll e mail you with a contract after the series ends
& then send you a cheque once you return the contract.

They're actually sending out contracts at the moment. Received mine this morning...

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ November 22 2009, 9:56 PM GMT

Not quite the same joke, but pretty close.

http://order-order.com/2009/11/22/jonah-curses-jedward-tories-immediately-launch-deadwood-digital-poster-campaign/

View original

Yeah. The bastards. The missus pointed sent me it earlier. Bit of a frightening prospect helping the Tories get elected. Still Cameron and Osborne look like promising material so it might not be all bad. I wouldn't surprise me if people go around searching for ideas on message boards or something. I know I do.

I got my contract last week.
On the contract, it says "paid weekly," although I can't remember the exactly frequency of payments from when I was on the previous series; whether it was after the series or during.

Also, that 15 seconds should be rounded off to 30 seconds, as they pay in 30 second and 1 minute durations.

How much is that Mikey?

Last series it was £18 per 30 seconds.
It's probably the same this time round as the last series was Feb - May this year.

Like other BCG'ers, hit the cross-bar last week. This week's howlers:

The Dundee man who gouged out his girlfriend's eye has been sentenced to 10 years in the pokey.

The Dundee man who gouged out his girlfriend's eye has been sentenced to 10 years in prison and 40 lashes.

Gordon Brown and David Cameron have denied causing offence by posing for photographs with the war dead. A spokesman said they were often photographed with Ming Campbell.

A fan of Michael Jackson has paid £200,000 for a jewel-encrusted glove worn by the late singer on his Greatest Mits tour.

Irvine Welsh has urged politicians to tackle Scotland's bevvy culture by launching a campaign against cheap whisky called Grainspotting.

New labelling guidelines for Scotch whisky will see Diageo change the name of Johnnie Walker to Dunarunner.

The two cocks at the centre of a noise nuisance complaint in Inverbervie have been saved from the chop after they were signed up for the X-Factor by Louis Walsh.

A report suggests that British Asian men are abandoning Indian brides in preference for Greggs Bridies.

A Rangers fan who rioted after the UEFA cup final has been convicted in a Manchester court of robbery, assault and bigotry.

Men from poor areas are more likely to suffer serious facial injuries due to a poor diet of fish'n'chibs.

Tony Mowbray has blamed his medical team for the Tannadice defeat as they treated half-time injuries using Donkey placenta.

Colin and Justin have agreed to renovate the set of "I'm a Celebrity" using ant & decking.

A "fresh air tax", approved by Highland council, will see street vendors pay per square metre in what has become known as the wee free trade agreement.

Scottish National Heritage is to appoint a government sharks protection advisor and is looking for someone who must be a right basking case.

A new campaign to inspire Scots to eat a healthy diet will use music from the Kaiser Chiefs hit 'I Predict a fry-up'.

A bid to cut heroin use in the Highlands will focus on the drug trail from Edinburgh to Inverness via Crackmannanshire.

I don't normally do topical... apart from hurling insults at the telly whilst watching I'm a celebrity... but I thought I'd give it a go...

just emailed these two off...

The English government plan to introduce lessons in domestic violence. At last, homework the parents of Liverpool can help with.

An interview with The West Lothian Lark, Susan Boyle, on NBC's The Today Show was cut short when she complained that with all the touring she doesn't have enough time at home to play with her pussy.

Tam, 40 lashes is a brilliant gag.

KJ - must admit, despite myself, I laughed at the Liverpool one.

Anyway...

A CIA 'torture plane' landed at Prestwick Airport at least twice last month. It was a Ryanair flight: the seats are perfect for stress positions.
The captives finally cracked when threatened with refuelling at Glasgow.

Jordan has quit the jungle – after years married to Peter Andre she'd gobbled enough Antipodean rodent genitalia.

David Beckham reportedly suffers from asthma – turns out he was just breathless at Posh finishing a meal.

Parents panic-buying for Christmas have triggered a shortage in this year's must-have toys... low stock includes rampant rabbits, edible undies and his-n-hers Jedward dildos.

A policeman bludgeoned his fiancée to death and tried to pass it off as an accident. Well, we wanted more bobbies on the beat.

Speaking of PC gone mad, a report this week says sectarianism should be treated in the same way as racism and homophobia – that's Frankie Boyle's next tour written.

A couple were caught having sex in a public phone box – police have arrested the man but still haven't picked up the receiver.

Jedward will jet in to Scotland for a special gig this week, hopefully it will be an extraordinary rendition.