Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 17

Hi guys. Sent some oneliners in this week for the first time. Here goes:

M&S advert spoken in husky, erotic female voice.

We take the finest products made by other companies, lovingly plonk them on our shelves, then sit back and do sod all ourselves. This isn't any supermarket, this is an M&S supermarket. Although you'll be hard-pressed to tell the difference from now on.

A Glasgow play portraying Jesus as a transsexual attracted 300 protesters this week. The protesters said they were disgusted. Jesus would never match a long white dress with sandals.

BNP leader Nick Griffin has been refused permission to visit the Sellafield nuclear reprocessing plant in Cumbria on security grounds.

A spokesman for Sellafield said it took the containment of objectionable, toxic waste very seriously and as a result has decided not to let Griffin in.

Computer games are to be banned by one of Scotland's oldest hotels this Christmas in an attempt to "restore traditional family values".

Guests at the hotel last Christmas said they couldn't hear themselves arguing over the sound of the games.

Transport links were severely disrupted in the north east of Scotland this week following heavy rain. Grampian Police urged drivers to take extra care in the wet weather, which is due to ease in August.

A Scottish man this week found four gold necklaces worth £1m using a metal detector. The man said he planned to sell three of them, but his wife is keeping one because it goes with her dress.

Hey, theboygazza...

Wouldn't:

BNP leader Nick Griffin has been refused permission to visit the Sellafield nuclear reprocessing plant in Cumbria on security grounds.
A spokesman for Sellafield said it took the containment of objectionable, toxic waste very seriously and as a result has decided not to let Griffin in.

be better as:

"BNP leader Nick Griffin was refused permission to visit the Sellafield nuclear power plant. They said they already had enough toxic waste."

Fair comment. Yours is better. But, hey, it's a learning curve.

There are some crackers this week.
I'm not expecting much joy but here are a couple of my efforts:

A recent survey has revealed the Scottish accent is the 3rd sexiest in the World.
Only the Irish and Italian accents were regarded as sexier.
When Frank Mackavenie was asked by a female journalist what he thought of this, he responded,
"To be sure to be sure, non c'è problema . What are you daein the night by the way?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MAN A:
I heard there is a robot in line for a BAFTA honour?

MAN B:
You are kidding?

MAN A:
Naw... It's almost human like.
It checks itself on Google to see what folk are saying aboot it.

MAN B:
Nawwww!!

MAN A:
I'm telling you.. When people are saying nice things aboot it, it posts happy messages on Twitter.
When there's nae publicity, it sinks into depression.

MAN B:
Well Well....and here's me thinking Robbie Williams had retired !!

Some of you guys have obviously being gag writing for a long time - any feedback would be great (if it's "stick to your day job",I won't cry!)

But Robbie's obviously not retired - he's on a massive comeback trail at the moment, so that gag doesn't really hold true.

Hello All

I have enjoyed sending material to Watson's Wind Up from its earliest series,despite my limited success; success being a single one-liner used in a broadcast. But it is one of the few current outlets for non-coms. Plus, it is recorded in front of a lunchtime Glaswegian audience; so if you hear your work used, and a huge guffaw ensues, it is all the more rewarding.

What seems to work is a line which combines two current news stories. We once had a report that a remote road in Scotland was deemed by the AA to be Britain's most dangerous. In the same week a police helicopter crash-landed in a field (no serious injuries). The programme used my quickie about a motorist on said road colliding with a police helicopter.

This week I have tried to link a Gordon Ramsay story with the financial plight of Glasgow Rangers: "Despite Gordon Ramsay claiming he had burned his Rangers' strip, the Club still want him to cook their books"

Best of luck to my fellow contributers.

The 2 stories for the price of 1 gag is always a good idea (if you can get the two to join).

Quote: theboygazza @ November 5 2009, 3:28 PM GMT

Hi guys. Sent some oneliners in this week for the first time. Here goes:

M&S advert spoken in husky, erotic female voice.

We take the finest products made by other companies, lovingly plonk them on our shelves, then sit back and do sod all ourselves. This isn't any supermarket, this is an M&S supermarket. Although you'll be hard-pressed to tell the difference from now on.

View original

I could see that one working well.
And there are a good few on here that I'd say the same to.

I did get an 'on the right lines' reply last week which was encouraging.
I'm just glad that my wife is Scottish as that comes in handy.

How did I not remember to do a Rooney baby joke? I was too busy sending one in about Jordan or Snow white pictures made from apples

I hope Tams John (Kai)Mackay one makes it.
That did make me laugh.

I'm out of the country from tomorrow morning. Is anyone able to list the credited writers from the end of tomorrow's show after it has appeared on BBC iPlayer?

Fair comment. Yours is better. But, hey, it's a learning curve.

It's not mine. It's yours, just shortened.

I'm out of the country from tomorrow morning. Is anyone able to list the credited writers from the end of tomorrow's show after it has appeared on BBC iPlayer?

Yep.

Cheers Mikey. All constructive criticism gratefully received. Good luck to everyone this week.

Cheers RJ - Perhaps " Aye I did hear Robbie was making a comeback" would work better.
Good luck tonight.

Just received an 'along the right lines' email. I haven't got anything in but it's encouraging nonetheless.

Shame, I thought the Maddie gag was nailed on.

Was a bit busy this week but sent in these efforts;

A sailor drowned yesterday (5th November) when his boat sank, he let off his distress flares but [because it was Bonfire Night] the people on the other boats just went "Ooooh!" and "Aaaah!"

An animal welfare charity based in Peterhead has said that it needs more funding to rehome Boxers after it admitted that it was struggling to find owners for Audley Harrison, Frank Bruno and Amir Khan.

Wayne Rooney has admitted that had his new baby been born a girl he and Coleen would've used the Beckham's method of naming the baby after where it was conceived and would've Christened her "Alley".

There was trouble at wednesday night's Rangers Champions League match against Romanian team, Unirea Urziceni, in Bucharest when CS gas was used, however it proved ineffective as Rangers still only managed a draw.

There was trouble at wednesday night's Rangers Champions League match against Romanian team, Unirea Urziceni, in Bucharest, when one Bluenose was grabbed by the stewards...OUCH.

With the current Swine flu epidemic and the effects of the Credit Crunch still being felt amongst savers, this year has been revealed as the worst ever for manufacturers of "Piggy Banks".

Struggling Rangers have announced that they will follow Newcastle United's idea of selling the naming rights to their stadium, Ibrox, current favourites for the rebranded ground include The Masonic Lodge, Lloyds Banking Group Arena and Murray's Mess.

Government scientific drugs advisor, Professor David Nutt, was sacked by Health Secretary Allan Johnston this week, prompting one newspaper to use the headline "Allan Johnston's Nutt Sack Scandal".

Scotland boss, George Burley, has named an unknown postman in his squad to face Wales in a friendly on 14th November, when quizzed about the surprise inclusion he admitted that the postman was the only experienced striker available.

A 24 year old football fan who was dressed as a sheep is recovering from serious burns after his suit caught fire on a train in Fife. Other fans on board the train threw beer on him to douse the flames although one confused member of the train staff did upset people by covering him in mint sauce.

Frankie Boyle has announced that he is leaving "Mock The Week", his place is set to be taken by his sister, singing sensation, Susan Boyle.

Laughed at the Paul McCartney gag this week - but is he really converting to Islam? First I've heard of it...