Just sent this batch.
First Manchester and now Bucharest... at least Rangers fans have the decency to riot in cities where they can't do much damage.
The government advisor on the misuse of drugs was sacked this week for claiming cannabis is less harmful than cigarettes or alcohol. Speaking from his crack den, Professor Nutt was defiant: "Pass the dutchie on the left hand side..."
A drunk student pictured urinating on a war memorial could face jail. His lawyer claims he was just watering the poppies.
Bookies are giving odds of 33/1 that Rooney's new-born son, Kai, will play for Manchester United. If he ends up with his daddy's looks and his mother's footballing ability there'll always be a place for him at Rangers' Academy.
Studies reveal that one person is assaulted on Lothian Buses every week. Even the drivers give him slap.
A monkey which escaped from Edinburgh Zoo was captured on the roof of a hotel. There have been similar reports in Glasgow where an apelike figure is seen jumping up and down, struggling to entertain thousands every week. If it carries on, Tony Mowbray will earn himself a touchline ban. Or a tranquiliser dart.
Stephen Fry threatened to quit Twitter after one of his followers called his tweet updates 'boring'. Fry has since calmed down, admitting that 'boring arse' is practically his middle name.
Police have issued an image of what Madeleine McCann might look like now. Gerry & Kate consulted photo artists, aging experts, and Gok Wan on How To Look Good Dead.
Road chiefs were left red-faced after mis-spelling Hawick on signs in the Border town – renaming it Harwick. A shocking mistake, as most council members usually can't find their arse with both hands...
An Aberdeen fan dressed as a sheep was set on fire on a train from Edinburgh. The attackers filmed it on their mobile phones, uploading the footage onto Ewetube.
Passengers tried to douse the flames by pouring beer on the young lad. Ridiculous - everyone knows it's red wine with lamb.