Hennell, SS,
Many thanks for the positive feedback. I get a laugh sometimes myself writing this tamfoolery but as Sean O'Casey said 'Treat jokes as a serious thing and serious things as a joke'...
cheers,
tam
P.S. love the Jimmy Starbucks avatar.
Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 14
Efforts this week...
An investigation is underway after a member of staff was attacked by an angel shark at the Deep Sea World aquarium in Fife. He only managed to get away while the shark was being asked 'De ye want salt and sauce wie that, pal?'
A shop assistant who was told she could not sing while she stacked shelves without a performance licence has said "They'd need to put a plaster over my mouth to get me to stop", which immediately gave voters an idea for Kenny MacAskill's next conference speech
A Swine Flu vaccination programme has started in Scotland beginning with those groups most vulnerable to attack, such as health care workers, pregnant women and the entire Rangers defence
Rangers donated more than 1,200 tickets to members of the Armed Forces this week for their game against Unirea Urziceni. Next time they've asked for tickets to somewhere less depressing – like a return trip to Afghanistan
The British troops could really relate to Walter Smith – they're in the firing line and so's he
It's doubtful they'll repeat the scheme, as now they'd be lucky to find anyone who'd take a free ticket for a Rangers game
After it was alleged that the family of the American boy feared trapped inside a runaway weather balloon may have invented the story for publicity, fans are still waiting for Celtic to admit the appointment of Tony Mowbray is a hoax too
Gordon Brown has denied that his cabinet is too heavily reliant on white faces. Most of the faces in his cabinet are bright red with embarrassment
Gordon Brown's government has been criticised for being too heavily reliant on white, Scottish men. Well, so's the Scotland team, and that's made just as big a balls up of things
There have been calls that British politics should include more people from minorities, such as Women, Asians and anyone who thinks George Burley should still be Scotland manager
Tourist figures have revealed a marked increase in visitor numbers to Scotland's historic sites over the summer. Some of the ancient places visited included Edinburgh Castle, Skara Brae and the West Stand at Cowdenbeath
Football fans In Edinburgh have been urged to give blood before they go off on their October holidays. Can't they wait until November? After the Hearts Hibs game they'll be plenty of blood going spare
The RNLI is to send text message alerts to subscribers every time a lifeboat launches. That's when someone finds themselves hopelessly out of their depth– like Rangers in the Champions League this season
A Fife bank manager who swindled thousands of pounds from elderly customers was jailed for 13 months, after being told she could not "buy her way out of custody". Mind you, if she'd been a Libyan terrorist she might have stood a better chance
Still, she wasn't as heartless a swindler as the bloke who persuaded Walter Smith to spend three million on Kyle Lafferty
More than 600,000 Scots could have a "ticking timebomb" condition which puts them at far greater risk of developing diabetes. Although to be fair, the risk from a timebomb is far less now that al-Megrahi's gone home.
The right to buy for housing tenants will be abolished in Scotland in a bid to see off a shortage of rented housing. There's just not enough houses available – mainly because Angus Robertson's already claimed them on expenses
A photograph of the sunrise over the Old Man of Storr has won first prize in the Landscape Photographer of the Year Award. It narrowly beat just as wonderful a sight – a photo of the sign that says 'You Are Now Leaving Cumbernauld'
The owner of an Edinburgh five-star hotel has told of his "surprise" after a hedgehog walked in and gave birth to three tiny babies in reception. No one knows who the father is, but Jude Law's already the prime suspect
A new medical breakthrough could see failing body parts replaced with "off-the-shelf" spares. Sadly, the news came too late to help the Rangers team against Unirea Urziceni
The SNP are hoping for a hung parliament after the next General Election. It just depends whether or not Alex Salmond can claim for enough Viagra on expenses.
Scotland's first official canoe trail is to be created along 62 miles of waterways from Fort William to Inverness. The SNP will be responsible for the part where you go up shit creek without a paddle
A singer based in the Highlands is offering lessons in Gaelic on Twitter. It won't improve your viewing pleasure if you watch BBC Alba – that only happens when you switch it off
It's been revealed that the world's fattest man eats a lunch consisting of four large cod, six large chips, two pies, four battered sausages, mushy peas and curry sauce. So how Alex Salmond gets anything done after that, I'll never know.
Gordon Brown has warned there are fewer than 50 days left for world leaders to save the planet from devastating climate change. Although climate change might be good for Scotland - as the rest of the world will know what it's like to be buried under water for a change
Scientists have discovered that our internal body clocks are shaped by the weather as well as by the seasons. So if it's miserable around you, you're more likely to go to sleep – which explains why so many Celtic fans nodded off during their game against Motherwell
British driver Jenson Button has been celebrating wining the World Formula One Drivers' Championships after a dramatic race in Brazil. Most people watching it were on the edge of their seat – especially Max Mosley as it's still painful for him to sit down
Formula 1 World Champion Jenson Button says he is aiming to create history by becoming the first British driver to win consecutive world titles. He wants to do it back to back – which sounds even kinkier than anything Max Mosley's ever tried
Net security experts say online criminals are making millions of pounds by convincing computer users to download fake anti-virus software. There's loads of fake stuff on the net – mind you, most it tends to be pictures of Katie Price's boobs
David Beckham is still fuming after being held for three hours at Los Angeles airport while his 12 bags were searched by officials. It was ridiculous, as he's only got the one suspicious bag – and she's his wife
Figures show there's been a 40% jump over the past year of fathers reading to their children. Although it's mostly reading the doctor's letters telling them they're clinically obese
The Conservatives have opened a new on-line shop where you can buy Tory-related merchandise. They sell all those things that a Tory voter needs – mainly a paper bag to hide the shame on their faces
Beyonce Knowles has postponed a planned concert in Malaysia after Islamic hard-liners raised concerns about moral issues over her performance. She'd already prepared a special Islamic song - 'My Body's Too Burkalicious for You, Babe'
Katie Price has been shortlisted for Celebrity Mum of the Year, despite her marriage break-up. She's got a good chance of winning – if the only other candidate is Kerry Katona
Madonna's 'Hung Up' has been voted the least sexy music video of all time. Although that's perhaps a bit premature, as Susan Boyle still hasn't made hers yet
Victoria Beckham has started a new diet of berries to maintain her slim figure. There's no shortage of fruit and vegetables in the Beckham house – after they've collected up all the stuff the LA Galaxy fans throw at David
Quote: Tam-S @ October 23 2009, 9:22 AM BSTThe Liverpool fan responsible for throwing a beach-ball on to the field which resulted in his team losing a goal has been identified as a Mr. Rick O'Shea.
Gotta love this one...
Top-notch gagging RJ,
back-to-back Mosley and suspicious bag must be in with a shout.
We can go halfers on the 'Gers Vaccination gag if it transpires.
Another possible culprit for the scouse beach-ball debacle was Russian full-back Oleg Inanoff.
cheers,
Tam
Quote: Tam-S @ October 23 2009, 3:06 PM BSTTop-notch gagging RJ,
Ta!
Quote: Tam-S @ October 23 2009, 3:06 PM BSTWe can go halfers on the 'Gers Vaccination gag if it transpires.
No luck again this week, so posting the entries;
* And on to news from the Scottish BAFTAs this week, and the political satire show 'In the Loop' has been nominated for three awards, including Peter Capaldi for best actor. Meanwhile Gordon Brown has been nominated for the 'worst actor' award for his portrayal of a Prime Minister.
Up for the best actress award is Stella Gonet of Holby City, New Town actress Daniela Nardini and Hazel Blears for her portrayal as an MP who fights for the people regardless of the expense.
* A new case of foot in mouth has been reported this week in Kensington, London. DEFRA have confirmed the source and sealed off Number 2 Derry Street, otherwise known as the home of the Daily Mail. The latest reports we have is that the author, a Miss Jan Moir, has already been slaughtered in public.
* The case of six-year-old Falcon Heene, believed to have been adrift in a Helium weather balloon has been unmasked as a hoax. A spokesman for the Colorado Sheriffs Department commented; (high-pitch voice, as if on Helium) 'It appears to have been little more than a publicity stunt for a reality television show called I'm High, Get Me Out of Here.'
* Robocop, PC Robert Brown from Motherwell, finished second in a police league table despite making 434 arrests in 12 months. PC Brown is confident of surpassing the 524 arrests made by Sgt Livingstone of Ipswich and topping the table this year as he's booked in for the next Old Firm Derby.
* Scottish Labour has accused the SNP of 'ripping-off' Glasgow with their recent decision to scrap the Glasgow Airport Rail Link. This is opposed to Labour's idea of ripping off the city through travel expense claims.
* Singer Fiona Mackenzie, of Dingwall, is offering Gaelic lessons via blogging website Twitter. Wiith over 500 pupil followers from around the world, Ms Mackenzie admitted that a percentage of the class being late for registration and playing truant was to be expected.
No luck
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Condoms catch up with Pill as women across the country put a sock on men's enjoyment.
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Amy Winehouse has been drug-free for a year.
She still hasn't kicked the bottle yet - she's all over the HOUSE WINE.
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A man wanted by Interpol was found working as a guard in a US prison.
The man from the Czech Republic said he "just wanted to CZECH the place out before he handed himself in".
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I'm gay says Irish hurling star, Dónal Óg.
He discreetly made the announcement during the launch of his book "I'm into swinging wooden sticks and I like men (OR to do/to f**k men)".
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Reporter
Robbie Williams is back. Robbie, all's good?
Robbie
"It's a bit nervewracking - first gig for three years"
Reporter
Is that why we're conducting this interview from your private loo?
TOILET SOUNDS - SPLASH SPLASH EURRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Robbie (in distress)
Here pal - You wouldn't hand me those 2 rolls of bog paper?
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Person 1
Did ya hear convicts in Scotland's jails are enjoying yoga, massage and acupuncture at taxpayers' expense.
Person 2
Is that to set em right after all the buggery?
Person 1
Aye
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Person 1
The Royal Navy's latest DESTROYER ship was launched on the River Clyde. The Royal Navy says it is working hard to find THINGS/SHIT/STUFF to destroy.
Person 2
Otherwise it'd just be a waste eh?
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Person 1
Did ya' hear the swine flu vaccine was launched in Scotland this week. 1.3 million people are due to get it- including pregnant women, health workers and people who love pork products.
Person 2
Pork products?
Person 1
Aye, pork products, like bacon and sausages
Person 2
Oh. An only 1.3 million get it? Aint we nawt got 5 million people?
My failed efforts this week:
Gordon Brown has been accused of favouring 'White Scottish Males'. The policy had a 66% approval rate from Michael Jackson.
The population of Scotland is expected to rise to its highest ever level in the next three years. The Daily Mail has refused to report the story, as they can't blame Stephen Gately.
A new guide book published in America claims that Scots are 'rude'. Stupid fat Yanks.
A Scot faces extradition after his computer was found to have hacked into the US Military and NASA. PC gone mad.
There are some positives to be taken from the recent attack on Leona Lewis. There's finally a queue to meet The Proclaimers.
Rangers donated more than 1,200 tickets to members of the armed forces for their match against Unirea Urzicen. These soldiers can't catch a break.
STV intends to continue their policy of 'tartaning up' their schedule. 'The Bill' has been replaced by 'The Filthy Poliss', 'Two Pints of Lager and a packet of crisps' makes way for 'Fifteen Stellas and a Bag of Crack' and 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' is now 'Aberdeen Man proves surprisingly helpful'.
A man has been bitten by a shark at an aquarium in North Queensferry. "It was a Great White", said BBC spokesman Nick Griffin.
Scottish scientists have grown liver cells from skin in a search for new drugs. They'll smoke anything in Edinburgh.
There have been two high profile arrests after a heroin clampdown – Superwoman and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
New research has revealed that only one-third of Scots drink in moderation: 'Moderation' being the club in Glasgow that sells Buckfast and paint-thinner.
I've just caught this weeks episode. I can't help but feel their whole product placement on Taggart piece was just an extension of this gag I sent them last week.
The Trading Standards Office has complained about a short film appearing online that unveiled the subliminal product placement to be found on BBC Radio Scotland. Well personally I found the film to be a Rola-Cola ride, Sharp, Compaq - just a brilliant ikea executed as it was nintended.
Probably not a good idea to mention it to them? 
I have a question for the Scots on here. Are there any Scots that are equivalent to characters known down south, like a Scottish Boris Johnson. Alex Salmond's not really considerd that numpty is he? Or places that are a chav central, a gay district, a Soho area. What's the big deal with Kirkcaldy?
Anyways, some rejects...
After getting thrashed at home by a team UEFA just invented to make up the numbers, Walter Smith denies Rangers are in a state of emergency. He says the loss is not the reason for his new 9-1-1 formation.
Rangers Chairman Alistair Johnston has unveiled a cunning plan to make Celtic fans turn blue. He's paid British Gas workers to cut off their heating.
Glasgow police have come under fire this week over a series of bogus weapons charges. It's been revealed that suspects have been arrested for backstabbing, possession in a tent and shooting the breeze.
There's been some leaked gossip from Downing St. this week. It's been reported that Gordon Brown asked his wife Sarah if she'd still love him if he could no longer effectively run the country. She said 'Of course I do.'
A T.V poll has shown that Grand Designs is more popular than ever in Scotland. It's all homebuyers can afford.
A report by the Scottish F.A has revealed that many foreign players find it hard to fit in with their Scottish team-mates. Not only do they experience language problems but shockingly some of them get drunk on LESS than 10 pints!
In America the Republican Party are trying to change the rules so that Arnold Schwarzenegger can run for President. Asked how he intends to win the election Arnie responded 'I'll be black'
Quote: Beelzebozo @ October 27 2009, 1:16 AM BSTI've just caught this weeks episode. I can't help but feel their whole product placement on Taggart piece was just an extension of this gag I sent them last week.
*Snipped*
Probably not a good idea to mention it to them?
No. Mainly because product placement sketches/gags are pretty standard fare on sketch shows. I've seen versions of it many, many times (and written versions of it too). Experience tells me it wouldn't have been your gag that gave them the idea.
Of that batch, I liked the Grand Designs and Arnie gags. I suspect the Gordon Brown gag is a made up fact rather than something he actually said and so, whilst a good gag, would probably be out of place on a topical show. It's best to stick to actual stories.
I had a similar experience in the last two shows where I heard one gag which had a punchline word for word the one I'd written, and another where the whole concept of the gag was identical to the one I'd written, and the wording very similar. I would have sworn they'd been nicked. Only I hadn't sent in the first gag, and the second I only sent in after the show went out. It just goes to show what similar ideas you can have if you're mining a very limited area such as Scottish news in one particular week.
It doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I immediately thought of Dan Swerytd's sketch when I watched the Armstrong and Miller sketch last week about actors claiming for injuring themselves in personal injury accident adverts. That was a very specific idea, which had already been broadcast on national radio, and I think there's a high likelihood it was copied, consciously or otherwise. Similarly there was a gag listed in one of the top ten gags told at last year's Edinburgh Festival by the Independent, and I recognised it as one written by a writer on this site a couple of years ago. It was a lengthy gag and reproduced word for word, no question it was his, but he knew nothing about it when I mentioned it to him.
All you can do is take it as a compliment and move on.
Quote: John Kelly @ October 27 2009, 9:46 AM BST
All you can do is take it as a compliment and move on.
Sound advice. I'm sure its happened to a lot of us - definitely to me. There is likely to a be a large flux of ideas bouncing around and they're sure to collide.
As for equating 'UK' characters to 'Scottish' ones - you would need a few years and a PhD from the University of Life, it can be very subtle. Listen to the show and you get to know how the main characters are viewed in this part of the world.
In my experience to maximise the chance of success - topical, tartan, snappy (less than 20 words if poss.).
Hope this helps,
Tam
Thanks for all the info guys.
I might try my luck this week. Do you know how they like gags sent? .docs or in the body of the email etc?
Thanks
D.
I attach a word document to an email David, but I've got nothing in so probably am not the man to ask. 
Best of luck mate.
As I tend to send a mixture of one-liners and sketches, I send them all as separate Word Docs, usually attaching them to the same email.
Here's one of my one-liners:
(as the Jackson movie will be released before the next Watson's show)
This Is It, the new Michael Jackson film, made by piecing together concert rehearsal footage, is now showing at cinemas.
I hate to spoil it for people who are going to see the film, but he dies at the end.
Quote: Mikey Jackson @ October 28 2009, 1:37 AM BSTThis Is It, the new Michael Jackson film, made by piecing together concert rehearsal footage, is now showing at cinemas.
I hate to spoil it for people who are going to see the film, but he dies at the end.
Cheers all for your input on the recurring ideas issue. They're a talented bunch on that show and they seem like good honest folk, it's just the timimg can get you a little suspicious I guess. I was also wondering if anyone here has got a sketch on. I remember Mikey had a short one(sketch) but that's it so far. I hope it doesn't turn out like Newsjack where it seemed like they were taking a handful from open subs.