Best of luck, RJ, - particularly liked Ed-festival and X-factor.
Yoof culture is too clever by far but it grows on you after a while (ouch!).
Tam
Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 12
Cheers, Tam!
Hi
Found this forum and my friend and I decided to send our first submission to Watsons Wind Up. Lines are below:
Katy Perry insists her new single entitled "I kissed a guy who looked like a girl and now I've got head lice and I don't like it..." has got nothing to do with her relationship with Russell Brand
Gordon Brown has received a request to pay back £12,000 in unauthorised expenses....apparently having a smile botox-ed onto your face is not acceptable use of public funds.
Disney Pixar have admitted their new 3D film about a latex loving, old age pensioner was originally entitled "Viagra"
A mistake by the X Factor editing team has caused controversy for the judges when Cheryl Cole's comment to Kandy Rain that she "didn't want to see a pair of tits jumping up and down on stage", was actually a reference to John and Edward's performance
Kandy Rain was the first group to be voted off the x-factor this week. Strip clubs across the country were delighted with the result. Simon Cowell however has suggested he would be happy to audition them again, individually, in a private booth.
Gordon Brown is furious at not having received any condolences cards for his latest pasting in the polls. I'm sure I have many friends who sent cards said the Prime Minister blaming the national postal strike for the missing cards. Royal Mail has indicated the strike that Mr Brown is referring to is due to start next week.
In London 45 Greenpeace activists scaled the Houses of Parliament. The work-shy benefit scroungers at Westminster are furious that eco-warriors managed to scramble to the roof and upstage their expenses protests.
The huge publicity has caused Greenpeaces' subscriber base to rocket this week. New recruit Al Jharee Bomb-em Qa-eda from Afghanistan says he's delighted to learn how to get on top of Westminster without being detected.
In the US, military police dog Fasco parachutes out a helicopter firmly attached to his handler. "It was awesome, he wasn't nearly as nervous as I thought he would be and he took it all in his stride, even if his stinky breath was right in my face" said the dog
None of mine made the cut, I'd welcome any constructive criticism.
Frankie Boyle has sensationally quit Mock the Week. Producers are now looking for a new Scottish funny-man: the early favourite is Rhona Cameron.
Prisoners rioted for six hours at Scotland's newest jail this week. The convicts were understandably upset; they were being released to a halfway house in Glasgow.
Bra tycoon Michelle Mone has sacked model Katie Green for posing topless. Green has complained about a fundamental lack of support.
Hearts winger Andrew Driver is eligible for Scotland after the FA changed their selection criteria. Driver is now available for selection as he has successfully deep fried confectionary.
Swine Flu continues to wreak havoc in Scotland. The epidemic began when Susan Boyle sneezed.
The number of people out of work in Scotland is approaching the 200,000 mark. A shocking figure, considering the population is 150,000.
Some Scottish football fans believe that not qualifying for South Africa is a blessing in disguise. "The level of crime over there is shocking," said one supporter. "I could earn more in Aberdeen."
Former Commons Speaker Michael Martin has become a peer in the House of Lords. Martin has been told to stay away from Blackpool, as the people there will walk all over him.
Scottish women are battling the recession by starting their own businesses. This has led to an increase in demand for business cards, but longer queues in telephone boxes.
Alex Salmond has been ordered to repay more than £700 following an independent audit into MPs' expenses. The auditor questioned the validity of many of the First Minister's claims, especially the running shoes and the tracksuit.
Well done Tam, R.J, Mikey J and any other BCGers for getting stuff in tonight's show. Tam, your Uranus gag went down very well.
I submitted for the first time this week. As there's nothing else for me to do with them I might as well post them here:
The IOC have announced that Golf and Rugby Sevens will be Olympic sports from 2016. This doubles the number of great Scottish sports in the games, following curling and drug-taking.
After six players made their debuts in the two-nil defeat to Japan, George Burley is expected to opt for experience in his next match against Wales. The X-Factor's Rikki Loney is hoping for a call-up, as he's got more caps than anyone else in the country.
It's emerged that the Edinburgh couple fined for having sex in a police car park were only stopped when several uniformed men intervened and pulled the man off.
US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has completed her visit to the UK without entering Scotland. Close, but no cigar.
Barack Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W Bush. Alex Salmond is optimistic for next year's prize, as he isn't George Bush either.
I really liked these two...
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ October 16 2009, 7:21 PM BSTSome Scottish football fans believe that not qualifying for South Africa is a blessing in disguise. "The level of crime over there is shocking," said one supporter. "I could earn more in Aberdeen."
Scottish women are battling the recession by starting their own businesses. This has led to an increase in demand for business cards, but longer queues in telephone boxes.
I thought the standard was pretty good. Short set ups, nice punchlines. Your gag construction is pretty sound. Sometimes it's just about picking the stories they want to cover. Keep doing what you're doing, I say...
Quote: R.J. @ October 16 2009, 7:38 PM BSTI really liked these two...
I thought the standard was pretty good. Short set ups, nice punchlines. Your gag construction is pretty sound. Sometimes it's just about picking the stories they want to cover. Keep doing what you're doing, I say...
Thanks very much RJ.
Well done to those who got something on.
Which ones were who's? I'll listen to it later.
And cheers to everyone who posted their submissions, good stuff.
Congrats to all who got stuff in.
Commiserations to those who didn't, but make sure you perservere.
My sketch was the Holby/Leslie Ash quickie.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ October 16 2009, 7:21 PM BSTScottish women are battling the recession by starting their own businesses. This has led to an increase in demand for business cards, but longer queues in telephone boxes.
Definitely the pick of the bunch for me
Someone said this was the Twitter of comedy, funnily enough we always stick versions of our rejects on our Twitter page for no one to see there too.
Here are our latest bunch of rejects, happy to hear any comments.
NEWS
Responding to the backlash caused by the unveiling of a new Olympic 50p coin designed by a 9 year old, the government has delayed plans to switch to chocolate coinage.
The government has sold off £16bn worth of assets to shore up the economy. John Prescott is said to be settling well into his new home.
Manchester Airport installed Britain's first naked X-ray scanner today. The device shows clear images of private parts, piercings and breast enlargements. In other news, there has been a surge in applications to work in airport security.
INTERVIEWER: "How do you respond to criticism of your decision to spend £1.5m on private healthcare for NHS staff?"
NHS SPOKESMAN: "Our staff are far too valuable to risk sending them for NHS treatment."
Now that YouTube is clocking up over 1 billion video views per day, there are fears that traditional media such as radio are redundant. Oh, that's just ridic... [BROADCAST CUTS OFF, SWITCHES TO LONG MONOTONE]
MPs are considering taking action against the government if they are forced to repay expenses. The decision is dependent on whether they will be allowed to reclaim the costs of placards and legal fees.
A convicted wife killer's bid to study a masters degree has been denied by the High Court. He claimed the course in homicide and domestic violence was necessary to continue his professional development.
SPORT
Following Barrack Obama's surprise Nobel Peace Prize, George Burley has been awarded the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for his ambitious project to turn manure into gold in the wake of defeat to Japan.
Following the successful trial of England's first internet only international, the Scottish FA have announced that their forthcoming game with Wales will only be available in flick book animation format.
It's been an up and down week for British sport. Although Brits won both the men's and ladies titles at world conker championships, Scotland's defending champion Ian Bishop was beaten into 2nd place by an American at the world porridge making championships. UK Sport is hoping Team GB doesn't crumble in the forthcoming world biscuit dunking cup.
I think these two were my pick of your bunch
MPs are considering taking action against the government if they are forced to repay expenses. The decision is dependent on whether they will be allowed to reclaim the costs of placards and legal fees.
Following Barrack Obama's surprise Nobel Peace Prize, George Burley has been awarded the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for his ambitious project to turn manure into gold in the wake of defeat to Japan.
With this last one I think it's good to remember that old adage of constucting the joke so that the punchline is always the last words of the sentence, so in this case 'manure into gold' should be the last three words.
I'm seeing a lot of rejects posted up on here that were easily better than some chosen. Here's a few of mine for what it's worth...
A report out today reveals that your average schoolchild in Govan actually only sleeps six hours straight per day. Or seven if they've got detention.
The Trading Standards Office has complained about a short film appearing online that unveiled the subliminal product placement to be found on BBC Radio Scotland. Well personally I found the film to be a Rola-Cola ride, Sharp, Compaq - just a brilliant ikea executed as it was nintended.
Church criticised for sharing wine with youngsters. Charlotte replies 'Up yours!'
Scottish Education Minister Fiona Hyslop has claimed she is a firm opponent of animal testing. She said they never get any smarter and exam pressure just leads them to truancy.
Police have revealed exactly how it is they can tell if Scottish Parliament members have been drinking. They check a device called a 'calendar' to see if it's a weekday.
Alex Salmond has accused Gordon Brown of running the country like a pantomime. Gordon Brown responded 'Ohhhh no we haven't!'
Sewerage workers have complained they have no job satisfaction and are being constantly scrutinised. They say they're tired of going through the motions with someone watching over them.
Better luck next time round guys - persistence pays.
Tam
"With this last one I think it's good to remember that old adage of constucting the joke so that the punchline is always the last words of the sentence, so in this case 'manure into gold' should be the last three words."
Good advice.
Particularly liked your subliminal advertising one.
ahh.. sent mine to that catross email, I see now the contact has changed! Anyway, enjoyed the process of writing gags... Here were my efforts, for what they are worth. (Bit long, I know, not much good at the snappy one liners!
1. R & B diva and recovering drug addict, Whitney Houston, has announced plans to tour the UK, including a special performance in Glasgow, in April next year. The singer predicted her stay in Glasgow would be quiet and reserved due to the tradition of what she called "the Scotch people's temperance, reservedness and quiet piety." Ah, Houston, you may have a problem.
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2. Unemployment figures amongst Britain's youth have taken a turn for the better... as the street price of illegal narcotics continues to rise.
The Office for National Statistics yesterday announced that they were dumbfounded as to why the number of 16-24 year-olds out of work fell during the last quarter despite predictions that jobless numbers would soar.
But typical British teen, Wiggy McFly, a casual drug abuser, beat-boxer and now McDonald's drive-thru employee, said the cost of a score was now "mental" and that the hard graft of street crime was simply too much "hassle" compared to the un-challenging task of stuffing up people's orders and wearing a funny hat.
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3. The detective who spotted a man that robbed an Ayrshire pharmacy in January said he recognised the felon by his distinctive gait after he walked passed his Ayr police station six months after the incident.
The convicted thief, 46-year-old Colin McRae, escaped with a 'booty' of more than one-thousand pounds in cash and a large quantity of drugs from the Boots pharmacy, but will now serve a six months jail sentence, thanks to the canny detective's 'leg' work.
The detective said that after viewing CCTV footage of the robbery, that his dreams were haunted by McRae's unforgettable walk.
"Who could forget that hot ass in those skinny jeans and that manly swagger?" said the detective. "And those come-to-bed grainy eyes under that mysterious hoody. Yum. Some say it was chance, but I think it was fate that of all the police stations in all of Ayrshire, he had just had to walk past mine! Grrrrr."
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