Sketch Comp 15-21.2.9

Hi and congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... FRED for winnin'! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Fred Sunshine
2 - 5 - Timbo
1 - 1 - Little Jersey Devil
Speshul menshun: me.

Your new subject: STYLE (chosen by The Cool Mikado).
Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 21 Feb!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
82 - Charley Rance
76 - Chris Forshaw
66 - Jude
62 - Otterfox
60 - Baumski
55 - Timbo
54 - Michael Monkhouse
48 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
25 - Afinkawan
21 - Cool Mikado
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Leevil
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
16 - Mikey J
16 - Swerytd
15 - James Harris
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Tom G
11 - Steven
10 - Fred Sunshine
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Little Jersey Devil
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

Why's the crow the coolest animal? It's always a raven.

EXT. HARD SHOULDER. DAY

A POLICEMAN IS APPROACHING A MOTORIST WITH AN APPALLINGLY BAD HAIRSTYLE.THE DRIVER WINDS HIS WINDOW DOWN.

POLICEMAN
Good afternoon sir. Do you know why I've pulled you over?

DRIVER
Is it my hair?

POLICEMAN
Yes it is

THE POLICEMAN BEGINS TO WRITE UP A TICKET.

POLICEMAN
What you will need to do for me sir, is have your hair cut and present yourself to your nearest police station within 10 working days of the date shown on this ticket is that clear?

DRIVER (nodding and taking the ticket)
Yes it is. I'm sorry

POLICEMAN
That's alright sir, you have a safe journey

THE DRIVER WATCHES AS THE POLICEMAN WALKS AWAY AND WE HEAR THE POLICEMAN GET INTO HIS CAR, START IT AND DRIVE OFF. A VOICE FROM THE BACK SEAT WHISPERS,

PASSENGER
Has he gone?

DRIVER
Yeah all clear

ANOTHER MAN, WHO WAS HIDING UNDER A BLANKET ON THE BACKSEAT, SITS UP SPORTING AN EQUALLY LUDICROUS HAIRDO AND OUTRAGEOUS MOUSTACHE.

PASSENGER
Thank God for that

I have a friend with split personality disorder. Problem is his other personality is a fashion obsessed 20 year old woman. I've seen him in high heels and a mini skirt, tights and a blouse, but the worst is when he goes for a Brazilian. If there are two things that should never meet it's hot wax and scrotal sacks.

MAN IN HIS SIXTIES SITTING AT A TABLE WITH A WOMEN IN HER FORTIES.ON THE TABLE IS A CARD THAT SAYS 'SPEED DATING.TWO MINUTES ONLY'

MAN
I'm afraid your style doesn't match my requirements.

WOMAN
My style?!! What about yours? You have none.

You're an ugly gett for starters, your shirt's

from the 70s, the collar's filthy.

You stink of nicotine, you've not had a bath for months.

You suggest I get the bloody drinks in, you're time's

up pal.

MAN STARES AT HER FOR A FEW MOMENTS.

MAN
Was I once married to you?

Gok Wan has released a fitness DVD.
It's called How To Look Good Knackered.

INT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS - DAY

Amnesty International, Greenpeace and PETA posters adorn the wall.
An earnest-looking GIRL sits on the edge of a desk, and addresses four others. They are students.

GIRL
We have obtained a prototype of the new trainer and... Look, words fail me, it's absolutely disgusting.

She holds up the new shoe - it is clearly made out of A FOOT, hollowed out with a hole at the top.

GIRL (cont'd)
This... Abomination is actually made from the foot of an exploited villager living and working in an Indonesian Free Trade Zone. And this is what we're fighting. A total disregard on the part of the shoe companies for the basic human rights of...

VOICE (O/S)
It pumps up!

Angle reveals a boy standing by the desk, rapidly pumping a bulb-and-tube apparatus attached to the bottom of the foot-shoe.

The other three students get up and crowd round.

STUDENT #1
Oh my God how cool is that? And see, this would be more breathable than a double-layer air mesh. Skin's breathable, like leather right?

STUDENT #2
Look, it has lights at the back!

The shoe is banged on the table and an LED display lights up at the heel, spelling out "EAT MY DUST".

STUDENT #1
Ha! Brilliant. I bet they'd be pricey though.

STUDENT #2
Yeah, but you've got to get in quick, get wearing them before anyone else.
(to GIRL)
Who makes these? Is it Nike? Are they Vans?
(to Student #1)
Cos they'd be good for skateboarding, with the grip.

GIRL
Actually I think these are a supermarket own brand.

The students back away from the shoe.

STUDENT #2
Really? Disgusting.

STUDENT #1
Those bastards. I wouldn't be caught dead in them.

END

SCENE 1. INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT

A NEWS READER is sitting behind his desk reading the news into the camera.

NEWS READER
And on a lighter note, scientists in
Wishaw have discovered that wearing
skinny jeans causes agonising scrotal
cancer in later life.

He smiles and winks at the camera.

NEWS READER
Goodnight.

END

WHAT NOT TO BE CAUGHT DEAD IN

INT. PARLOR-DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

A group of people are assembled in the parlor of a mansion. A police inspector, a wealthy couple, a maid, a butler, and a youngish decadent male.

INSPECTOR
I put it to you, that someone in this room is a murderer!

A PEAL OF THUNDER FOLLOWED BY A FLASH OF LIGHTENING. ABRUPTLY THE ROOM GOES DARK.

MRS. MONEYWELL
The lights! They've gone out!

MR. MONEYWELL
Astute as ever, dear.

THERE IS A HIGH PITCHED SCREAM.

MRS. MONEYWELL
I just heard a scream!

MR. MONEYWELL
I make that sound inside my head everyday I wake up next to you.

THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON AND THE MAID IS DEAD.

MRS. MONEYWELL
She's been murdered and someone's responsible!

MR. MONEYWELL
Jesus Christ.

INSPECTOR
No, he's not the culprit. The murderer is in THIS VERY ROOM!

THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS.

INSPECTOR
-Or was until he left.

The Inspector strides to the window.

INSPECTOR
There he goes across the lawn! Great Scott! He's been hit by a van! No!
He's back up! Now he's been hit by a second van!

THERE IS A LOUD KNOCKING AT THE FRONT DOOR

Mrs. Moneywell waves the butler, but he's not there.

INSPECTOR
Who are you gesturing at?

MRS. MONEYWELL
The butler, silly. He's supposed to get the door.

INSPECTOR
The murdering butler who just got knocked down by several vehicles?

MRS. MONEYWELL
That's no excuse for him to be remiss in his duties.

THE KNOCKING CONTINUES.

INSPECTOR
I'm afraid you might have to answer that.

MRS.MONEYWELL
Outrageous! I would no sooner answer my own door than I would wipe my
own ass.

The Inspector answers the door.

Two brittle trendy types enter the room without invitation.
They are Celia and Ian.

INSPECTOR
Would you like to be invited in?

CELIA
I'm sure you all know us. We are on that show "What Not to be Caught
Dead In."

IAN
First in our time slot.

CELIA
Is that the fashion victim? (smugly enjoys own joke)

IAN
Look at that. Black and white, black and white, black and white all
over. She's dressed like a maid!

YOUNG DECADENT
She was a maid. But you'd never know it by her performance. Couldn't
even mix a proper drink.

CELIA
Look at those dreadful shoes! So orthopedic! (mugs to camera) I would
not be caught dead in that! Well, missy, it's your lucky day- you're
getting a free makeover! Ian, pick her up under her armpits and drag her
to wardrobe.

INSPECTOR
See here! You can't interfere with a crime scene.

IAN
(to camera) Fashion crimes!

INSPECTOR
No, real crimes. Proper murders and whatnot. (to Ian who has started to
lift the body) You! Put that body down at once! Alright, now. Clear out
you horrible ghouls.

Both Celia and Ian appear offended.

IAN
Yeah, well, we're loved by a prized demographic. So take that, you
prick. Who wants your corpse anyway? She's so 5 minutes ago. Come on,
Celia, let's see if that guy on the lawn is dead yet. Now - he's got a
fresh face. Well, at least for another hour or so.

Celia and Ian laugh and exit through the front door.

FADE OUT:
THE END

Vinny & Glen are in a pub.

Glen: What about that girl over there?

Vinny: She's out of my league, isn't she?

Glen: Listen to me Vincent, no one is out of anyones league.
.
Vinny: Ok ok I'll give it a go. What should I say?

Glen: Doesn't matter mate, just do it with confidence & do it with style.

Vinny: Style?

Glen: Style, that's all it takes buddy. Walk with a strut, have a twinkle in your eyes and a bit of sunshine in your smile.

Vinny: Ok mate, I'm going for it.
(walks away and returns a few moments later)

Vinny(CONT) She didn't wanna know.

Glen: Yeah well that's cos you're ugly.

REPORTER: I am here at London Fashion Week for what is possibly the most exciting show in years. Joining us now is Boris Johnson, Boris?

BORIS: Good evening.

REPORTER: As the main sponsor, how do you respond to critics who say that events like this are a waste of taxpayers' money?

BORIS: Well um, I wouldn't say that at all, as you can see it's been worth every penny.

REPORTER: You've been heavily involved this year, even entering your own collection. Clearly black leather is 'in' but was it your intention for all the models to look the same?

BORIS: Well er, yes, I mean yes absolutely !

REPORTER: So is this is something you'll be participating in every year then, London Fashion Week?

BORIS: London 'Fashion' Week? Oh I thought it was London 'Fascist' Week.

REPORTER: Ah, that'll explain the moustaches then.

CORPSE BRIDE

GOK WAN IS BEING INTERVIEWED

Interviewer:
So, you told us what Jade Goody will be wearing at her wedding, what will she be wearing at her funeral?

Gok Wan:
Well, this season, it's all about clashing colours and man made coffin casuals.

Interviewer:
Does it really matter what she wears at her own funeral?

Gok Wan:
It's her big day, it's what it's all been building up to..

Interviewer:
You mean Jack Tweed cashing in?

Gok Wan:
No, revealing the party corpse look - gonna be huge this year.

Interviewer:
The party corpse?

Gok Wan:
Yeah, sexy attitude with a sleek silhouette – great with rotting flesh.

Interviewer:
Isn't this all a bit sick?

Gok Wan:
No way, girlfriend, it's ce-dead-brity porn – the real sickos are the punters who lap it up. See ya darling!

EXIT GOK.

Interviewer:
Thank you, Gok Wan, who will be presenting 'How to Look Good Dead' on Dying TV.

CUT

PRESENTER ON THE RED CARPET AT THE OSCARS.

PRESENTER:
....Now have you ever wondered how the actresses pick their dresses for the oscars, well we have managed to track down one of the stylists to the stars. He is also a fashion designer and is also very much a fashionista in his own right... It's O-Rod.

O-Rod you have designed some of the dresses and style many of the ladies here tonight. Who have you styled and which are you most proud of?

O-ROD IS TYPICALLY DRESSED WITH A SWIRL IN HIS HAIR AND A PURPLE CAPE AT THE BACK OF HIS SUIT. HE IS HEAVILY ACCENTED.

O-ROD:
Yees. Zank you very much. I am ah... very happeee zu have, how you say, my clothings on display at ze show, zis show tonight.

PRESENTER:
So who have you styled?

O-ROD:
Sophia Montazeri, Tatiana Zavialova, Tiffany Amber Thiessen, Zdenka Podkapova, Maria Grazia Cuinotta and um how you say Meee, Ma, Mme... how you say Mag, Muga Reen, Magga Ruin. Mag Ruan.. Mag Reeen.

PRESENTER:
Do you mean Meg Ryan?

OROD:
Yes Meeeg....her.

PRESENTER:
So are you enjoying the buzz of excitement?

OROD:
Y-yes. Very nice time I having. Very am...... Sorry I do not have word.

PRESENTER:
Don't worry about it. Now your own suit is quite unusual. You have a purple cape. Do you have a whole wardrobe of capes?

OROD:
Oh yees. My wardrobe is full with zem. I have wow...I must have over two capes at home. Including zis purpeel one I have a green one and a how you say bla, bla, no yeeell, yel ye-brown one.
Its part of my new raa, rarnge, ra. My new rar, my new rank.

PRESENTER:
Your new range?

OROD:
Yees my new rank.

PRESENTER:
Now we don't actually know that much about you. Your a bit of an enigma.

OROD:
Weeel my name is....(thinking) oh am.... how you say... Pate, sorry Pat Orod and I'm from Ballyporeen in County Tipperary in Ireland. I am ze son of a piiig farmer.

PRESENTER:
Wait a second. You're from Ireland?!

OROD:
Yeees.

PRESENTER:
So english is your first language?

OROD:
Zat is ..how you say... correct.

PRESENTER:
Ah so you've been living in a foreign country.

OROD:
No.

PRESENTER:
(A little confused) OH-kay..Am as a final question Orod who do you think will win best actor tonight?

OROD:
Sorry I fail zu understand.

PRESENTER:
Who do you think will win?

OROD:
Am...who...?

PRESENTER:
(getting annoyed) Look, its a simple question. Who will win the oscar for best actor?

OROD:
Oh so sorreee. I understand...Salmon with baby pototoes in a white wine sauce.. definitely.

PRESENTER:
Oh just f**k off.

END.

Votes plis...

There are a lot of good sketches this time, but it's THE COOL MIKADO that gets my vote.

It's the funniest sketch I've read in a long time.