Balaclava

Voiceover : Ross Kemp has travelled back through his time vortex to reach the Crimean War

Ross is dressed in combat fatigues and sat on a horse.

RK : It's October 1854, were are here with the British cavalry forces as they prepare to face their Russian enemies. I'm pleased to say that I've bought with me two special celebrities to experience life in the British army.

Keith Chegwin and Cheryl Baker enter- both on horses.

RK: Cheggers how do you feel about the battle today?

KC : Bring it on Ross - WAHEY.

RK : Cheryl? How have you been preparing?

CB: It's been hard going but I've been practicing riding a horse.

KC: WAHEY. You can ride me any time Cheryl love!

RK: Yes thank you Cheggers. It looks like Lord Cardigan is getting into position you better get going.

CB: I'm shitting myself Ross.

KC: Good job you're a dab hand at ripping your skirt off then.

RK: Alright Cheggers that's enough. It's just a simple little trot up the valley to capture a couple of Russian guns the buggers are trying to hide. There's 600 hundred crack cavalry troops there Cheryl – you've got nothing to worry about.

Cheggers and Baker both pull Balaclava's on.

RK: What you doing?

CB: Putting these on.

RK: Why.

KC: Don't know? We were told by the production guys to wear em.

Cheggers and Baker turn and ride off to join the other troops.

RK: Balaclava's?

Producer: No. I didn't say wear them. I said that we were going to Balaclava.

The horses start charging up the valley.

RK: Balaclava? That rings a bell.

Producer : What?

RK: Lord Cardigan? He's bringing back memories as well.

Producer : Did he invent button up jumpers for old people?

RK: That valley?

Producer : I wish I could shed some light on it.

RK : That's it! Light! That's the bloody Light Brigade! We've sent two Z list celebrities on the Charge of the Light Brigade.

Producer : You mean?

The sound of cannons firing.

RK: Into the valley of death, rode the six hundred.

Long pause as Ross looks towards the sound of the cannon.

Producer : F**k it. Don't worry they're expendable. We've got the Krankies and Chas n' Dave booked for the Normandy landings next week.

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Very funny!

Possible alternate ending - It's all a plot by the producer? > > >
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RK: Balaclava? : Lord Cardigan? That rings a bell.

Producer: Did he invent button up jumpers for old people?

RK: That valley? (REALISES) Shit!! Into the valley of death, rode the six hundred!

Producer: (DREAMILY) Lord Tennyson - poet extraordinaire.

RK: F**k! We've sent Cheggers and Cheryl Baker on the Charge of the Light Brigade!

Producer : So? You have a problem with that?

RK: (GRINS) Mmmm .. Come to think of it ------

The sound of cannons firing.

RK AND PRODUCER: (HIGH FIVES) Waaaaheeeey!!

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I turned off as soon as I saw Chegwin mentioned. I'd love to see these as a piss take of the genre instead of involving C-list celebrities. It's been done too many times. I'd like to see you pick the genre apart by placing it in another time. It's a brilliant concept - you can make fun of the fact that they belittle wars by sending Ross Kemp to them by showing him standing over arrow riddled soldiers saying "Ewww" or giving reviews of catapults. It's the way these programmes cheapen human life, that makes them ridiculous, thus funny. Why do you bother putting rubbish celebs in them? It takes everything away.

Stuart,

Thanks for your comments and taking the time to read.

Right, I have to defend these sketches a little, as I feel there is a little more to them than putting rubbish celebrities into the settings.

Zulu(ish) – This one has Prince Harry in it and the principle subject matter is racism and the parody of the singing in the film (Not sure if there is documented evidence that that existed) with the Nazi twist at the end.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/11485

Agincook! - This one plays on the fact that the vastly outnumbered English troops were dropping dead from starvation at the time of the battle (although that may not be explained in the sketch) so what could be better than a chef to cook for them? – as there is no food he is forced to use the only plentiful source, the bodies of the fallen enemy soldiers – pretty horrific. You make the point that you would like these sketches to show the fact that these programmes are belittling wars.... well - The other aspect to his sketch is that Ross and Gordon simply treat this massive, terrible battle as little more than a football match. – "Sounds like their kicking off". Which is in reality what I think Ross Kemp's Afghanistan programmes actually do to a certain degree.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/11682

Balaclava – This one I suppose does focus more on the cult of celebrity. Here the celebs don't even both to properly find out where they're going – as long as they're on telly, then it's okay. Once the reality of what they've done sinks into Ross and the producer there isn't actually a thought for the 600 men, just the two celebrities. Which in the end they think doesn't matter, because they have a stream of other buffoons already signed up for future programmes.

The other thing is celebrities are commercial – you only have to look at this weeks Newsreuve running order to see the number of sketches featuring the Coles, Jade Goody, Gareth Gates, etc etc.

The other thing is of course I'm trying to be funny – as we know what appeals to someone is hated by the next man. So we can't please everyone all the time.

Morrace - thanks for the comments - must admit I like your ending too!

Good defending. I would have probably laughed more if I knew more about the wars. I think I must just prefer stuff to be simpler. As for the celebrity thing, I think that's why I don't like sketches featuring celebrities, because lots of people do it - and I'm terribly jaded.

P.S. Are people really making fun of Jade Goody? That's probably not cool...