I think this needs work. Deadpan style and good camera visual important. Anyway, see what you think. Gulp.
COULD YOU LIVE WITH A STRANGLER?
Pastiche of the BBC Three documentary style show 'Would you buy a house with a stranger?' In which two random people both seeking a foot on the property ladder are thrust together to see if they can cohabit with a view to sharing the purchase. Donna is a mumsy young woman and Leslie is a huge muscular guy, virtually mute. He wears a Mexican wrestling mask at all times.
PRESENTER
Strolling along Suburban Street.
More and more people are finding it impossible to get a foot on the property ladder these days. Donna is a young single woman, working part time as a self employed dress-maker. Leslie is a serial strangler who's spent 18 of the last twenty years in a high security mental hospital. Both are desperate for their own place, but neither can manage it on their own. Maybe this show can help! One first-time buyer, one complete strangler, will they get on? Will they be able to live together? Let's find out!
DAY 1.
We see both parties outside a small terraced house, posing beside each other for the cameras. Donna waves inanely but Leslie stands silently like a statue next to her in a pair of wrestling tights and boots with his mask. His chest is bare.
PRESENTER So Donna, here we are, the big day's arrived, are you excited?
DONNA Oh yes, I'm so excited; I couldn't sleep at all last night.
PRESENTER Well, it is a big undertaking, any nerves?
DONNA Well, I was made aware of the risks but, you know. It's nigh on impossible to get a foot on the property ladder these days. It's exciting! (Giggles)
PRESENTER And you Leslie? Feeling good?
LESLIE Growl.
PRESENTER Great! Right, let's get you in there!
The couple turn to enter the house, Leslie suddenly picks up Donna and slings her across his shoulders before crossing the threshold as she giggles blithely.
PRESENTER (CONT'D) How about that! What an old fashioned Gent he is, let's hope it works out!
DAY 2.
PRESENTER Okay, we're back at the house, it's day two and they've spent their first night under their prospective new roof. Let's take a peek and see what's going on.
He let's himself in and passes through the hallway. We hear Donna from the living room. He peeks in and we see her on her hands and knees in front of the TV/DVD stand. Unbeknown to her Leslie looms large behind her, poised with his hands in a stranglers pose gazing at her neck, he appears in turmoil. As the presenter enters, he coughs, Leslie steps back making as if he is swatting a fly.
DONNA I think that's it Leslie, I've set the timer for Countdown. It's on series link as well.
PRESENTER Well, hello there homemakers!
Donna spins round and Leslie retreats clutching his hands to his head in frustrated anguish.
PRESENTER (CONT'D) So tell me guys, how was your first day?
DONNA Really good, we've started to settle in I think.
CUT TO: PRE SHOW INTERVIEW WITH DONNA.
DONNA Well, I was filled in on Leslie's history by the producers beforehand and I do know some people think I might be a bit silly. (Pauses, looks thoughtful) In fact my Mum and Dad weren't too pleased at all. They still aren't in fact. But you know, I'm a big believer in second chances. Yes.
BACK TO: LIVING ROOM DONNA AND LESLIE ON SOFA.
Leslie clenches and unclenches his hands around the neck of a vase.
PRESENTER So, what do you think of the place then guys?
DONNA It's very nice, we've not had time to get everything as we'd like just yet but we're getting there. We've even met the neighbours, they popped round earlier to say Hello, I think Leslie hit it off straight away actually. Didn't you Leslie (Nudges him)
Leslie nods.
DONNA (CONT'D) Yeah, he even popped over the fence earlier, I think he was helping John, that's the husband, with some gardening, I could hear them really going at it.
LESLIE (Low growl)
As Donna says this he tries to surreptitiously push a flat cap and cravat down the sofa that is sticking out behind him, camera follows this.
PRESENTER Great stuff, that's the spirit. Well, we'll leave you to it for now but we'll be back in a few days for another visit. Ciao for now!
DAY 5.
Presenter is once again at the front gate. Camera pans to close up of several milk bottles untouched outside neighbour's house. He goes to door and rings the bell. Donna opens it.
DONNA Hello, hello! Come in.
Donna leads him down hall into living room. Leslie sits in usual attire except he has a sweat-shirt on with a picture of a fluffy kitten. Camera then shows us Donna's tailors dummy standing behind Sofa. The neck is noticeably crumpled.
DONNA (CONT'D) Look, d'you like it? I bought him that.
PRESENTER It's a lovely thing Donna; you've really softened up this old toughie eh?!
DONNA I know!
PRESENTER Not such a big old sourpuss after all eh Leslie?
Leslie's head sinks into his hands as he kneads the back of his head. He lets out a low moan of anguish. Donna grins and pats his back.
DONNA Aw, bless him, he's all heart when you get to know him. Great with his hands!
PRESENTER Wonderful! So guys, it's decision time! You've had your week together, what's it gonna be?
DONNA Shall I tell him Leslie? (Excited, she nudges Leslie in ribs, he grunts in the affirmative) Well, it's such a lovely place, although it's got a lot quieter as the days have gone by but....Yes! Yes! We're both happy and we're going to take it!
PRESENTER Oh now that is just super news! Congratulations to the two of you, what a fabulous ending eh folks?! Well, that just leaves us to say good bye so let's get outside and give the viewers a big wave and toast the happy cohabitants. Come on!
He produces a bottle of bubbly and some plastic cups. Leslie snatches the bottle and squeezes the neck sending the cork flying.
PRESENTER (CONT'D) Whoa! There she goes! Fantastic, right Donna, lead the way.
They set off out of the house Donna excitedly leading the way. Camera cuts to front of house as Donna emerges, she begins idiotically waving to the camera as the credits roll, unbeknownst to her the front door slams shut leaving her on her own. A moment later we see Leslie and the presenter in silhouette at the upstairs window, they lurch back and forth as Leslie throttles him.
END.
