Badge your quite right....pretending to snuff it then moving t'rock to cheese it was quite childish.
Sample of my script Page 3
I didn't pretend to die, I was just f**ked after the last supper, far too much "water" ifyouknowwhatImean. Aaaaaanyhoo, for a laugh when I was fooked Judas bunged us on a cross didn't he, I was pissed off at the time but laughed about it later. Anyway, I started to get one stinking hangover and the hot sun wasn't helping, so I found myself a cool cave to sleep in. Judas saw me go in though right, and for a laugh blocked me in with a rock! 3 days I was in there, I was seething, we laugh about it now though.
Then the easter bunny let me out or something.
I don't really have much ground upon which to comment at current, as I'm only really starting out myself, but you seriously need to watch your grammar, and English in general. The idea has potential, and it's certainly something to work at, but once again, you need to sort the English.
Good start overall, just keep trying. But don't forget to improve as well, because if you don't improve, then it's just all gone to pot.
Max, are you still around? Have you decided to use it as a learning experience or not?
We're not a bad crowd. Well some of us 
Hello Max
I think basically you should just give us smaller chunks. I hope you haven't left. There are some here who can't take criticism. It's not meant personally - hopefully it's constructive. We might not all be expert writers but we all know what we like as viewers, readers or consumers. We can't all like the same things though.
I quite liked this.
The characters were quite real and genuine
I could definitely relate to them and their surroundings.
Some quite funny dialogue.
I think enough said about presentation!
Comedy writing should be kept quite simple: Real genuine characters that everyone can relate to and real and genuine and FUNNY dialogue.
Check out the master John Sullivan You can read his scripts on www.geocities.com to see what I mean.
Keep at it Max
Good Luck
bump
Quote: Phil Carter @ April 14, 2007, 11:24 AMCheck out the master John Sullivan You can read his scripts on www.geocities.com to see what I mean.
Keep at it Max
Good Luck
Phil
Have you got a better link to the scripts? I'd like to see them if poss.
Cheers
Dan
Quote: Phil Carter @ April 14, 2007, 11:24 AMCheck out the master John Sullivan You can read his scripts on www.geocities.com to see what I mean.
I really did try but as much as tried there was nothing for John Sullivan.