Tears of a Carrot

First one for a while. Bit of an odd (potentially unfunny) one so thoughts and crits would be most appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

Bo.

INT. DAY - UNIVERSITY RESEARCH LAB

A CLUTTERED LAB AREA. FRUIT BOXES AND PILES OF VARIOUS VEGETABLES LITTER THE AREA.THE DEAN OF THE UNIVERSITY IS DELIVERING SOME BAD NEWS TO PROFESSOR CARTWRIGHT.

THE DEAN
There's nothing I can do Professor Cartwright. Without seeing some progress this faculty cannot continue funding your... research.

CARTWRIGHT
I just need some more time, sir.

THE DEAN
I think we've been very patient... considering you've kept us in the dark about exactly what it is you are up to in here.

THE DEAN PICKS UP A CABBAGE. TOSSES IT ACROSS THE ROOM.

CARTWRIGHT
I'm very close. Please! I just need to iron out a few minor... wrinkles.

THE DEAN HEADS FOR THE DOOR.

THE DEAN
No, I'm sorry. Unless you can convince me otherwise then I'm closing you down.

CARTWRIGHT
Alright! I'll tell you what I've been researching.

THE DEAN STOPS, TURNS, WAITS EXPECTANTLY.

CARTWRIGHT
I have built a machine that translates the thoughts and emotions of fruit and vegetables into English.

THE DEAN
I'm not in the mood for jokes, Cartwright.

CARTWRIGHT
It's not a joke. I have the prototype here.

CARTWRIGHT PUSHES AWAY A PILE OF BRUSSEL SPROUTS TO REVEAL A SMALL RADIO RECEIVER-TYPE MACHINE. THE DEAN LOOKS AT IT, UNCONVINCED.

THE DEAN
Show me it working.

CARTWRIGHT
I'd really rather not, if you don't mind. You see--

THE DEAN
I knew it! This isn't research - it's a compost heap in the making! Consider this program finished.

CARTWRIGHT
Okay! Okay! I'll show you.

THE PROFESSOR HESITANTLY TAKES A LARGE POTATO FROM A NEARBY BAG.

THE DEAN
Are those good for baking? The least I can do is get my lunch out of this expensive shambles.

THE DEAN TAKES A POTATO AND PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET.

THE PROFESSOR WHIMPERS AUDIBLY. HE TAKES A NEEDLE-LIKE PROBE CONNECTED TO THE MACHINE BY A WIRE. HE PAUSES.

THE DEAN CHECKS HIS WATCH.

THE DEAN
Today would be good, Cartwright.

THE PROFESSOR INSERTS THE PROBE INTO THE POTATO. HE INSERTS ANOTHER. THEN ANOTHER UNTIL HE IS INSERTING PROBES IN A SOBBING FRENZY. FINALLY HE STOPS, EXHAUSTED.

THE DEAN
Now what?

CARTWRIGHT
I switch on the machine.

THE MACHINE CRACKLES AND POPS. SUDDENLY AN EAR BURSTING, BLOOD CURDLING SHRIEK FILLS THE AIR.

POTATO/MACHINE
AAAAARRRRGGGHHH! THE PAIN! THE SEARING, STABBING PAIN! MAKE IT STOP! HAVE MERCY! AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!

THE DEAN
What's happening to it?

CARTWRIGHT
Same thing as all the rest. It seems they feel pain quite acutely and the probes are... somewhat invasive.

POTATO/MACHINE
AAARGHHH! FUCK ME, BUT IT BURNS! Ohhhhh... (CROAK)

THE DEAN
Well, for Christ sake, take then out, man! Hurry.

CARTWRIGHT
It won't do any good. It's a goner.

POTATO/MACHINE
...Ohhhh... (CROAK) ...cold...feel so cold... (COUGH) ...looks like this it, old son... no sprouting for you... (COUGH, SPLUTTER) ...can't complain, I suppose - it's been a good enough life... (COUGH) ...I remember the good old days when--

CLICK. THE PROFESSOR SWITCHES OFF THE MACHINE.

CARTWRIGHT
It'll go on like that for a while - they tend to get a bit maudlin just before the end.

THE DEAN LOOKS HORRIFIED.

THE DEAN
I can't believe it.

CARTWRIGHT
And potatoes are positively stoic compared to some. You should hear the mangoes... whining bastards.

THE DEAN TAKES THE POTATO FROM HIS POCKET. HE LOOKS AT IT. HE CAREFULLY PLACES IT BACK INTO THE BAG.

END

Has no one else noticed this work of small scale genius? lovely idea pacing and characterisation also funny.

could see a sequel with him jabbing himself, animals, inaminate objects with that device.

Excellent idea and great execution at the end but I'd be really tempted to cut into the meat quicker. However, one man's pacing is another man's filler. So it does come down to your own personal attitude to writing.

That would make it more commercially viable, but the joke is an example of long build up that works.

Ah, you know me, Sooty. I'm terrified of out-staying a welcome.

As much as I enjoyed the build up, the ending was a big let down. Something needs to happen there - instead it just sputters to a close. You start off with a dilemma (the Dean is trying to shut Cartwright down and in order for Cartwright to continue research he must grapple with the idea of inflicting harm on a sentient being) and the end needs to recognise the consequences of Cartwright's decision.

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Sootyj, SlagA - I guess it could be more brief - it was the most succinct way I could think of introducing the living fruit/veg stuff but I could probably jump in a lot later. All the funding stuff is probably unnecessary.

David Bussell, you are right. The ending is poor and as you point out there is no real resolution to Cartwright's situation. As mentioned before I'll probably remove the funding preamble which should solve one problem while trying to come up with a more punchy ending.

Cheers, chaps. Much appreciated.

Bo.

It read very well and I was hooked, but didn't feel quite satisfied with the ending, as the original funding and necessity of what he was doing remains unanswered (as mentioned above).

Perhaps he ends up finding a "hard" vegetable that wants to fight back e.g. chilli / orange that squirts him in the eye when he inserts the probe

I agree with the comments, but still this is fabulous. My heighlight:

POTATO/MACHINE
...Ohhhh... (CROAK) ...cold...feel so cold... (COUGH) ...looks like this it, old son... no sprouting for you... (COUGH, SPLUTTER) ...can't complain, I suppose - it's been a good enough life... (COUGH) ...I remember the good old days when--

CLICK. THE PROFESSOR SWITCHES OFF THE MACHINE.

CARTWRIGHT
It'll go on like that for a while - they tend to get a bit maudlin just before the end.

A maudlin potato. Genius.

How about a dirty grape that likes being probed?

Quote: sootyj @ February 11 2009, 9:34 PM GMT

How about a dirty grape that likes being probed?

View original

Kumquat, surely?

Good idea though.

.
Very funny and original.

The plot and carroterisation couldn't be beet and there weren't any corny one-limers.

With regard to funding - perhaps Professor Cartwright could take a drop in celery, if he could pear it, of course.
.

Very good. Maybe you could answer a couple of the criticisms by taking out the whole funding thing. Does it really add much to the sketch?

Hi,

I agree with the comments, way too long for me but a great idea. You could have lots of fun with it.

what do carrots think about plums? How do vegetables feel about fruit? Aubergenes look down on all other veggies, "Well afterall, we are the only purple vegatable love!" What's the ultimate ambition of carrots?

I think if you play with this idea it could be very funny. Think Eddie Izzard.

John

http://standupcomedy.podomatic.com/
Purple Comedy