Possible Stand-up material

Here's my first try at writing stand-up material. Just to see what an audience with no face thinks, as I wouldn't have the balls to stand in front of one with a face.

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You know there are some native American tribes where babies are named after the first thing that they see after being born.

Surprisingly there are very few called A Torn Vagina

I wonder how strict they are with this concept? What if the first thing you see is something really shit. Are there guys walking about called The Anthony Cotton Show?

And what if you see a person? What if you see a member of your family? You could end up being called Uncle Ron, and your mum and dad would have to call you Uncle Ron and all your teachers would have to call you Uncle Ron.

And what if you become an Uncle? Uncle Uncle Ron?

And when you grow up and meet a girl, you'd be making love and she'd be shouting "Oh Uncle Ron, Uncle Ron. Stop it Uncle Ron! It hurts Uncle Ron!"

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That's probably a few too many of basically the same joke, but give opinions please. Thanks.

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I would steer clear of calling fellow artists/shows 'something really shit' - even if it is The Anthony Cotton Show. E.G. - imagine this scenario at your after-gig booze-up: "Hi, I'm Amanda Sangorski of ITV Productions. Why do you think my show was 'something really shit'? Who the FUCK are you to say my show was shit you pretentious little LOSER!"

Ha, that sounds like the beginning of a beautiful friendship between me and Amanda Sangorski.

An excellent point though. Thanks for the feedback.

Quote: Stuart Doherty @ February 7 2009, 8:17 PM GMT

You know there are some native American tribes where babies are named after the first thing that they see after being born.

Surprisingly there are very few called A Torn Vagina

View original

That really made me laugh. I wasn't keen on the rest though.

Don't worry, you don't want to work for ITV anyway.

*wonders if Rip Torn is native American*

This is basically a longer version of a joke my dad told me years ago. Good stuff though.

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ February 8 2009, 12:24 PM GMT

This is basically a longer version of a joke my dad told me years ago. Good stuff though.

View original

is that the one where the Native Americans name is "two dogs F**king"?

Yeah that's the one.

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I must admit(for my sins) that I had never heard this joke which is hilarious.
As a result, I've edited my previous reply. Anyway here's the joke:
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The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandary... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had got his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs F**king?"
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I still see my and Amanda Sangorski's friendship being a pretty good one. Even though she's now changed her opinion of me to be a pretentious little loser on the basis that you hadn't heard that joke before.

Stuart's is quicker and to the point (well, up to the Torn Vagina bit anyway). It also has an edge. I can imagine the likes of Frankie Boyle doing it.

I've also heard that other one before, can't remember who I saw perform it though.

Yeah, Frankie Boyle's is exactly the kind of delivery I pictured.

Then, imo, you have succeeded.

I'd get rid of the 'A' though, and add parent or mum in there somewhere.

Quote: Stuart Doherty @ February 7 2009, 8:17 PM GMT

You know there are some native American tribes where babies are named after the first thing their parents see after they are born.

Surprisingly there are very few called A Torn Vagina.

View original

Maybe.

I really liked the concept of someone's name starting with "A". It would f**k with grammar. "How are you today A Torn Vagina?" "Have those contracts on my desk by 5 O'clock A Torn Vagina." and so forth.

And yeah, it is actually what the parents see and not what the baby sees, but I decided to have no regard for anthropological accuracy.

Cheers for the feedback, it's good food for thought.

ok.

Quote: Nil Putters @ February 8 2009, 7:34 PM GMT

Stuart's is quicker and to the point (well, up to the Torn Vagina bit anyway).

View original

Er - I just posted the original joke is all.

And as for "Stuart's is quicker and to the point (well, up to the Torn Vagina bit anyway)." That's the same as saying:

"The 'To be, or not to be' soliloquy from Hamlet
is quick and to the point (well, up to the 'that is the question' bit anyway)."