Mechanic #1

ATMOS: MECHANIC'S GARAGE SOUNDS

MECHANIC: Stan!...Stan! Is Mrs. Johnson's Corsa ready?

STAN: (OFF) Just bringing it round now.

MECHANIC: You can pick your car up in the car park Mrs. Johnson. Be lucky.

SMITH: Excuse me.

MECHANIC: Good afternoon squire. What can we do for you?

SMITH: I was wondering if you could fix this for me?

MECHANIC: Well it's mostly cars we fix here mate but I'll get it up on the ramp and have a look. What is it? An economy?

SMITH: Yes. I'm afraid we haven't looked after it very well and now the credit is making a nasty crunching sound.

MECHANIC: (SUCKING NOISE) Sounds like your central bank collateral has gone mate. What's it got on the clock?

SMITH: About a 40 billion pound deficit.

MECHANIC: So it's definitely due a service. Ah (BEAT) here's one of your problems. It's a ringer.

SMITH: What do you mean?

MECHANIC: Not all the parts are original. It's been cut up and stuck together from other bits. Look here squire, the sub-prime mortgage and hedge fund policies have been crudely welded on from an American model.

SMITH: Is that bad?

MECHANIC: Well it's certainly knackered your warranty. Let's see if we can get it started. I'll just lower this interest rate and see if it gets going again.

F/X: CAR ENGINE TURNING OVER BUT NOT STARTING

MECHANIC: No, that didn't work. (BEAT) Hang on mate, I've had a thought. Stan!...Stan! Have we got a replacement foreign exchange rate for a G8 capitalist-orientated mixed economy?

STAN: (OFF) I used the last one to fix the balance of payments on that dodgy trade deficit that came in last week.

MECHANIC: Sorry squire, I'm going to have to order one in. Could take a week or so. We can lend you our courtesy economy? It's partly nationalised and will probably cost more than it will save in the long run but it should be OK for now.

SMITH: I guess that will do. But you're sure you'll be able to fix it?

MECHANIC: Yeah, no problem. I'll give you a call when it's back up and running. Be lucky squire.

Very clever indeed.

I wonder if it could do with a few shorter, punchier lines. Could Stan be a bit more like the man on the street and see things a bit more black and white, to contrast with his cerebral friend?

I also think there's a final laugh to be had...

MECHANIC: Yeah, no problem. I'll give you a call when it's back up and running. Be lucky squire.

SMITH leaves and door shuts behind him.

STAN: It's knackered isn't it?

MECHANIC: Utterly f**ked mate.

I also wonder if, in order to sell to the NewsRevues of this world, you might substitute the characters for Gordon Brown/Darling etc.

Cheers for the comments.

I'll have a think about Stan but I'll give the ending you suggested a miss because I want to do a few more about this mechanic and want him to be able to fix pretty much anything.

I did consider Brown/Darling but I'm going to see if I can get a few sketches out of the character and punt it at 'Son of Tilt' whatever that turns out to be.

Excellent. A very nice conceit well realised. Perhaps as Stu says it lacks a big laugh at the end but I am kind of partial to the tail off rather than big bang.

Son of tilt sounds like a good bet, do I recall a football manager pundit last series?

I think this is great. Don't change a thing!

Afinkawan, If this sketch was a flan, I would have eaten it all.

I think it is an excellent piece of work that you will have no trouble selling. The balance of satire and comedy is just right and the rhythms are great:

SMITH: Yes. I'm afraid we haven't looked after it very well and now the credit is making a nasty crunching sound.

MECHANIC: Well it's certainly knackered your warranty. Let's see if we can get it started. I'll just lower this interest rate and see if it gets going again.

Very, very impressive writing. There's a lot of meat in that sandwich. On the negative? Maybe you could add 'consumer' to the credit line above to give that extra beat and the ending lacks punch and focus - I though the loaner economy might have been given to the Americans for example.

But top marks - this is outstanding. And thanks for posting it.

Excellent piece, Afinkawan. I really liked it! The one bit that let me down was the ending. It's crying out for a huge laugh.

This is awesome. Quite one of the best sketches I've ever read, frankly.

I agree it needs a bigger laugh at the end though; it's not quite as funny at the end as in the middle.

The only thing I can offer is to have some sort of VAT reduction mix-up between the VAT he charges and the 'VAT' on the 'economy' in some way, but beyond that, I wouldn't even want to try and help cos I'm not worthy!

Nice one and well done! I look forward to hearing it on Tilt 2: Retribution of Topicality

Dan

My feeling is if it is part of a runner you need less of a big bang.

If you need one, (and I hesitate to do this as you are clearly in a different league to me) I could only suggest a conversation between the mechanics about only have a 1950's version with lower liquidity ratios and a higher risk aversion setting (or something cleverer and funnier) and the boss saying 'oh fit that, they won't notice for the next 5 years'.

Very good indeed. An excellent conceit and realised with enormous skill.

The sound you hear is my cap scraping on the ground, I doffed it that low in homage to this awesome piece of writing.

Couldn't the 1st 4 lines be cut? Or am I missing something?

Cheers everyone!

Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ February 7 2009, 11:29 AM GMT

Couldn't the 1st 4 lines be cut? Or am I missing something?

View original

You could be right. I did try it without the first four lines and it didn't feel like the scene was set well enough though. Also it sets up Stan in the background. I guess a producer would just take/edit it out if it wasn't needed in front of an audience. Hopefully it doesn't actively harm the sketch?

Like this very much. Would agree that the opening was a bit out of sync with the rest. Good stuff though.