I decided to have another go at a stand up routine but this time approached it by telling an embellished version of a true story.
I know where the following is going so there is scope for development...
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I don't know whether you know but I have epilepsy...no, of course you don't not unless you've been rifiling through my medical records. Actually maybe I should have handed out copies before I came on because I could then guarantee I'd get a laugh.
To be honest I'm in a pretty ropey state healthwise. Apart from the epilepsy I'm deaf in my left ear and I'm the owner of an incomplete set of internal organs. Basically my gall bladder decided it was surpless to requirements and started throbbing like my nob does when I glance at the lingerie section in the Littlewoods catalogue.
I got up for work one Monday with this familiar dull pain which following a bowl of Cocopops intensified like a bat of hell.
I winced and moaned and groaned and I staggered around our lounge. The wife was very concerned. She couldn't see the telly so to shut me up she asked me if I needed an ambulance.
"Nah, I'll be fine."
Typical bloke - always trying to be the hard man thinking that I could 'walk off' a serious medical condition.
At the hospital I was wheeled in and the staff were asking me if I was alright. "No, I always come to f**king A&E for my holidays!"
Sensing my concerned they tried to come up with a diagnosis. "Do you have a pain in your arm?" they said.
This told me that they thought I was having a heart attack which I was pretty sure I wasn't. However, I DID have a pain in my arm which had them whooping for joy. I think they want to use their new jump start leads and send 50,000 volts through me.
They were not best pleased when they discovered I was in fact only carrying a bucket load of gall stones in my gut especially is meant they missed their tea break.
To cut a long story short I was in hospital for a week after being admitted, losing almost a stone in the process. I can't say I recommend the acute pancreatitis weight loss plan though I did get my own room, telly and a fruity nurse to empty my colostomy bag.
[to be continued]
