SIR SAFFRON WALDON IS BEING INTERVIEWED.
INTERVIEWER
Good evening Sir Saffron and welcome to the third in this perhaps ill advised series of interviews.
SIR
Good evening and might I say..
INTERVIEWER
Sir Saffron could I point out that this BBC Four show has 1,200 viewers and 58,321 complaints. So please Sir Saffron no more libelous discussions of Zoophilia with animal stars of Hollywood's golden age.
SIR
Of course dear boy, reminds me of when I was the sea captain in FLipper.
INTERVIEWER
Let me guess you shagged him in the blow hole?
SIR
You read my biography?
INTERVIEWER
Lucky guess.
SIR
Oh well then it was like when I worked briefly in Australia in the 60s.
INTERVIEWER
And screwed Skippy the Bush Kangaroo?
SIR
How did you know? You have done your homework.
INTERVIEWER
Lucky guess, Sir Saffron for the love of God stop it. You're second only to Jonathon Ross in the Daily Mail's most evil TV star poll.
SIR
Aah lovely Jonathon Ross and his even lovelier dog Mr Pickles, he liked a bone..
INTERVIEWER
Sir Saffron please stop, before you destroy almost a 100 years of public service broadcasting.
SIR
Well I could talk about my small role in Broke Back Mountain.
INTERVIEWER
You're going to tell me you bummed Heath Ledger. At least he's the same species, that's some improvement.
SIR
No I did not, how dare you suggest that you scoundrel!
INTERVIEWER
You didn't?
SIR
No I killed him, he was riding my wife the dirty cad.
INTERVIEWER
Your wife?
SIR
Yes the horse. Brian he's the one I road to the Stonewall riots.
INTERVIEWER
You, you, rotten, lying, stinking, monsterous son of a bitch.
SIR
Son of a bitch eh? So you want to hear about my love child with Rin Tin Tin.