The original script for my recent film, seems I never posted it oops!
Be forgiving this is very early Sootyj.
Date
Seen from the point of view of a camera walking around the Thames late in the evening, as if a person walking around looking at his shoes.
Scene1
A rather over dressed woman with a roll of bin liners, and a shovel runs upto our camera man, she has a large rose.
Woman
Is that you, Lecter loves Lucy, it's me Lucy, look I've got a rose.
Camera begins to walk off, she follows.
Woman
Oh drat, you must think I'm a bit mad seeing a blind date here, in the middle of London, at 23.30 at night. But well that's dating for you, are you sure you're not Lecter loves Lucy. I hate getting stood up I started with Match.com., and then got a bit more desperate. I'd turn up at dates, and theirs no one their, and I'm thinking is that them watching me from the other side of Leister Square, and then doing a bunk. Or is that them running over to the other platform at Waterloo, just dodging a train. Eventually I moved onto the dodgier web sites, I got this date with Last Chance Romance.
Camera stops dips at a quizzical angle, as if saying eh?
It's a site for people like me who've not had a lot of luck, there's not a lot of safety checks. This chap I'm seeing Lecter loves Lucy, well he had some funny requests, before we met,
Camera dips quizzically again.
Well he asked me to tell all my friends, and family I was going on holiday to Australia for a month, on a religious retreat, and wouldn't be able to phone them. Then he asked me to bring some stuff, bin bags, bleach, I hope he isn't expecting me to clean his flat on our first date, still could mean he see's more as a chance for real commitment. But then why would he ask me to bring a bone saw, and tooth pliers? You think he might be well, a little kinky? I don't know why I'm talking to you, you just seem to have one those faces you can trust…..you know if he doesn't get here, then Starbucks is still open, we could.
Camera runs off and peers behind a bush.
Woman
Sorry, come back, damn,
A man walks up he's wearing a grubby mack, with the collar up, and a hat pulled over his eyes,
Man
Are you Lucy loves Lecter? Sorry I'm late.
Woman
That's alright I bought all the stuff, so where are we going, I love a mystery date.
Man
I've rented an abandoned sea container, it's a bit in the middle of no where.
Woman
How fun.
Man
Fun? I suppose so, I bought you a flask of coffee, it's got a very strong taste, strong enough to cover the taste of…erm nothing.
Woman
How thoughtful, no one's ever bought me a flask of coffee before, you must really like me.
Man
You know don't take this the wrong way, but usually on one of these "dates," well you know, you'd act a bit scared and maybe beg for you life, or say there's been a terrible mistake, maybe even cry a little, look this just isn't working for me.
Woman
Wait don't go I thought we had a real connection.
He turns to walk away.
Woman
I said don't go.
He starts to run, she clobbers him over the head with the shovel he collapses to the ground, she stands astride him.
Woman
You little creep, you worm, I did everything you asked, and you were going to stand me up, well we're going to have a date,
Man
Oh God I'm sorry, please call the police I'll hand myself in.
Woman points shovel at his head.
Woman
Ask me how my day was, and then compliment my hair, mother f**ker.
Camera runs off, and stops at a plinth of a statue, bobbing up and down as if catching his breath.
Plinth
The camera turns around, there is a retired colonel type, he has a stuffed dog on wheels he is pulling on a lead (Alsatian ideally)
Colonel
You little blighter you were going to widdle on that statue, back in my day we'd have flogged you for that, or hung you, or hung you and then flogged you, and then hung you again, you widdling little rotter.
Camera shakes it's self from side to side, and then pans down to show a finger pointing at it's done up fly.
Colonel
I see the stallion is still in the stable, I do apologise, but me and Saxon were on our regular patrol. Hang on your out of breath, have you just run from another statue you were widdling on.
Camera shakes from side to side.
Colonel
You sure, because Sonny me and Saxon will be checking, and if there's any widdled on statues around here, I'll be making a citizen's arrest, oh yes.
Camera nods up and down.
Colonel
Yes look at what this citys coming to, Bendy buses, a city where even the buses are gay. And that plinth in Trafalgar, poor Lord Nelson the things he has to stare at. They had that statue of a disabled woman on it for 3 bloody months. 3 months, in my day to have a statue in Trafalgar you needed to be 3 things a man, to have killed at least a 100 foreigners, and be wearing clothes. Now the only people defending decency around here, are me and Saxon isn't that right boy.
He tickles Saxon under the chin.
Colonel
What ever next, I'll tell you what's next a cage full of homosexual dancers, in gstrings, cavorting themselves, dancing to pumping music, with primitive beats from the darkest African jungle, pushing their muscular bodies obscenely against the bars, shamelessly rubbing against each other,
He proceeds to beat the Alsatian with his stick.
Colonel
Bad dog, bad dog, why do you say those things I'm not like that, I was never tempted
Camera turns as if to sneak away.
Colonel
Stop right there sunny Jim, where do you think you're going, I killed 6 people in Burma, some of them when I was in the army so I'm not to be trifled with.
Camera stops.
Colonel
Then what next for that poor plinth, they'll lock the dancers in the cage so the bloody fundamentalist Muslims can stone them to death. Bloody muslims, they may be mentalists, but I don't think they're very fun. Well you run along, but I'll be watching you.
Camera begins to back up.
Colonel
Public widdling it's where it all begins, a man who will widdle in public, has a fundamental lack of respect for society. Widdle today; rape tomorrow, murder on Thursday, and by Friday pure bloody anarchy, civil war, and the Queen hanging from the flagpole at Buckingham Palace, possibly having widdled herself.
Camera continues to back up.
Colonel
It's a war, and sometimes there are casualties, oh Saxon, why did you do it, why did you widdle on that lamppost why did you make me have to kill you? I'm sorry old friend.
Colonel bursts into tears, and hugs Saxon.
Tube
Camera continues on it's route, it passes two men on wooden benches outside a pub, they have pints and mobile phones, there is background noise of a noisy pub.
Man1
Is that the time, our wives are going to kill us.
Man2
Watch the master,
Dials his phone
Man2
Hi Carole, sorry I'm going to be late…..where am I?......how could you say I'm down the pub, nah I'm a tube train it's been delayed……what's that noise?.......no it's not a pub it's screams, yeh Al Quaeda blew the tube up, it's a disgrace……now don't cry love I'm fine…..I'm with Pete he's lost his leg
Points the phone at Man2 gestures eventually elbows him.
Man1
Oh right, ooh ouch my leg, I'm in so much pain, bloody terrorists you can't keep London down.
Man2
I mean I could hurry home, I mean I was going to help Pete look for his leg, but I'm sure he'll be fine with out lots of work for one legged post men……no dear I don't think you're being selfish…..I'll be home soon just finish rustling through this pile of severed limbs, you sure you don't want a women's leg Phil only the Mrs wants me home sharpish.
Man1s phone rings, he answers it
Man1
Valerie sorry I'm late, but something happened.
He gives Man2 a big wink
Man1 Yeh our tube was blown up by gay terrorists, yeh Al Gay-dar, I'm fine Terry had his head blown off, I'm helping him look for it.
Man2
You total f**kwit Phil,
Slaps him round the head
Man1
Ow what did I do Terry?
Camera reaches London Bridge, and climbs the side as if readying into jump looks down at the water.
Colonel
Oi you Sunny Jim, yes you I said I was going to keep an eye out for you.
The camera pans to the right and sees the colonel with Saxon.
Colonel
Going to jump off the bridge were you, that's bloody littering that is, and very selfish. How do you think a swan's supposed to eat something as big as you, it's people like you cost us the Empire.
Camera pans down the colonel's fly is undone, and he is standing next to a suspicious puddle.
Colonel
Ah right you noticed, um bit of a hypocrite I suppose, er.
Colonel picks up his stick and proceeds to savagely beat Saxon.
Colonel
Take that, and that, you dirty dog how could you, how dare you blame me, shut up by God, shut up you damn dirty dog
He drops his stick, and hugs Saxon
Colonel
I'm sorry Saxon, lets never fight again, I love you Saxon, I really love you.
Camera wanders off
Woman from first sketch passes by, dragging a heavy sack, talking to it.
Woman
Oh you're such a sweet man, you really like my hair, I think I might marry you, we're going to be together for the rest of our lives, well the rest of yours.
Muffled sounds like help me come form the sack, she hits it with a shovel, the bag goes limp.
Camera runs off and boards a night bus.
