British Comedy Guide

Zombie Colin

Scene1

A GROUP OF FRIENDS IN A PUB HAVING A LAUGH
SUDDENLY A ZOMBIE APPEARS WAVING IT'S ARMS AT THEM.

FRIEND1
So I sold 2 half sets of double glazing and Barrys still says I'm underperforming.

FRIEND3
That man is an embarassment to arseholes

ZOMBIE
Uuuurrrrggghhhh brains brains!

FRIEND1
Eek a zombie!

FRIEND2
Don't eat my brains I'm a moron, eat Justin's he went to university.

FRIEND1
Luton University to study Media Studies and I got a 2:2, eat Sharon's she can do a Sudoku in 2 minutes.

FRIEND3
Arse hole.

ZOMBIE PULLS UP A SEAT AND SITS NEXT TO THEM.

ZOMBIE (IN A FRIENDLY INQUIRING MANNER)
Urrrgghhh brains?

FRIEND3
Just kidding Colin we love you really.

VO
Colin Smith is one of England's most miss understood minorities. Colin Smith like 245,000 people in England is a Zombie.

SCENE2

COLIN THE ZOMBIE IS WORKING IN A CUBICLE ON THE PHONE.

COLIN (QUITE PROFESSIONAL)
Uuurrrggghhhh brains!

VO
Like 80% of zombies Colin holds down a job this is not always easy.

BARRY WALKS UP BEHIND COLIN AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.

BARRY
A word Colin.

COLIN FOLLOWS AFTER BARRY TO HIS OFFICE.
THEY SIT ON OPPOSITES OF THE DESK.

BARRY
Colin you've been with us for at Double vision Double Glazing for 3 months now and I am afraid I have some serious performance issues with your work.

COLIN
Uuurrrggghh brains?

BARRY
I know you've never been late for work, albeit that is because you live in the skip behind the office. But you have sold precisley zero units of glazing in your time working for us.

COLIN (Querolous)
Urrggh brains?

BARRY
I see it's that text phone you've been asking for, well the answer is no.

COLIN
Urrgg brains brains!

VO
But employment for zombies is never easy, even those like Colin with a university education.

BARRY
Don't take that tone with me you mouldering corpse. What next opening at night for vampire staff? Every full moon off for werewolves? Nice big pool for Creatures from the Black Lagoon?

COLIN (Angry)
Urrrrggghhh! Brains! Brains!

BARRY
My decison is final you're going to do photocopying with the other Zombies, now get out. If I had my way I'd sack you, bloody employment laws.

COLIN
Urrrghh.

BARRY
You're a health and safety risk

COLIN STAGGERS OUT.

SCENE3
COLIN BUMPS INTO FRANKESTEIN'S MONSTER IN THE CORRIDOR, THE MONSTER IS WEARING A FRUITY HAWAIAN SHIRT AND A SAUCY CRAVATTE.

FM
Urrggghh, hate the living love the dead!

FM PINCHES COLINS ARSE ONE OF HIS BUTTOCKS COMES OFF.

COLIN (Coquettishly)
Urrggghhh brains...

FM
Urrgghh, cheeky monster.

I laughed several times whilst reading this sooty and the general flow of this piece is good. Obviously it's a bit clunky in places, but I presume you would tidy it up if you sold it - although I don't know with you - your signature contains a spelling mistake and basically you just write the latest epigram/bon mot on top of the last one without deleting it. Eventually a one word reply from you will take up a whole page. I'm not saying you're slapdash just that I would hire you to tile my bathroom.

Gosh I do need to correct my signature!
I like working in camera, which I suppose is a bit mental. The writing equivalent of having one's loo with a window onto the street.
This one grew from the idea that the famous line of Frankenstein sounds a bit gay.
And I wanted to write about Zombies.
I wouldn't hire me to tile any one's bathroom.

Hi

I enjoyed this one as well.
I though the idea was good & It made me laugh.

Not that keen on Zombie stuff - I do need my bathroom tiled though.

But seriously I thought it was pretty good

Very nicely done, and all the better for being downplayed.

But is it maybe time for a moratorium on zombies?

Hope no one minds me bumping a zombie sketch of mine

Since there's a zombid movie called Colin I'd change the title.

This was pretty good. What happened since then Soots? :P

I wrote a sketch aboit Attenborough which you liked

:D True.

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