Scene1
A GROUP OF FRIENDS IN A PUB HAVING A LAUGH
SUDDENLY A ZOMBIE APPEARS WAVING IT'S ARMS AT THEM.
FRIEND1
So I sold 2 half sets of double glazing and Barrys still says I'm underperforming.
FRIEND3
That man is an embarassment to arseholes
ZOMBIE
Uuuurrrrggghhhh brains brains!
FRIEND1
Eek a zombie!
FRIEND2
Don't eat my brains I'm a moron, eat Justin's he went to university.
FRIEND1
Luton University to study Media Studies and I got a 2:2, eat Sharon's she can do a Sudoku in 2 minutes.
FRIEND3
Arse hole.
ZOMBIE PULLS UP A SEAT AND SITS NEXT TO THEM.
ZOMBIE (IN A FRIENDLY INQUIRING MANNER)
Urrrgghhh brains?
FRIEND3
Just kidding Colin we love you really.
VO
Colin Smith is one of England's most miss understood minorities. Colin Smith like 245,000 people in England is a Zombie.
SCENE2
COLIN THE ZOMBIE IS WORKING IN A CUBICLE ON THE PHONE.
COLIN (QUITE PROFESSIONAL)
Uuurrrggghhhh brains!
VO
Like 80% of zombies Colin holds down a job this is not always easy.
BARRY WALKS UP BEHIND COLIN AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.
BARRY
A word Colin.
COLIN FOLLOWS AFTER BARRY TO HIS OFFICE.
THEY SIT ON OPPOSITES OF THE DESK.
BARRY
Colin you've been with us for at Double vision Double Glazing for 3 months now and I am afraid I have some serious performance issues with your work.
COLIN
Uuurrrggghh brains?
BARRY
I know you've never been late for work, albeit that is because you live in the skip behind the office. But you have sold precisley zero units of glazing in your time working for us.
COLIN (Querolous)
Urrggh brains?
BARRY
I see it's that text phone you've been asking for, well the answer is no.
COLIN
Urrgg brains brains!
VO
But employment for zombies is never easy, even those like Colin with a university education.
BARRY
Don't take that tone with me you mouldering corpse. What next opening at night for vampire staff? Every full moon off for werewolves? Nice big pool for Creatures from the Black Lagoon?
COLIN (Angry)
Urrrrggghhh! Brains! Brains!
BARRY
My decison is final you're going to do photocopying with the other Zombies, now get out. If I had my way I'd sack you, bloody employment laws.
COLIN
Urrrghh.
BARRY
You're a health and safety risk
COLIN STAGGERS OUT.
SCENE3
COLIN BUMPS INTO FRANKESTEIN'S MONSTER IN THE CORRIDOR, THE MONSTER IS WEARING A FRUITY HAWAIAN SHIRT AND A SAUCY CRAVATTE.
FM
Urrggghh, hate the living love the dead!
FM PINCHES COLINS ARSE ONE OF HIS BUTTOCKS COMES OFF.
COLIN (Coquettishly)
Urrggghhh brains...
FM
Urrgghh, cheeky monster.