A fresh kill for y'all.

Hello, I'm new to the site and somewhat trepidatious but I thought in the spirit of things I should offer something up as a first sacrifice. In honesty it's a sketch that I am unsure of it's road-worthness and not one I would consider amongst my best so feedback and (gulp) constructive critisicm can only be good.

Here goes:

The Office for Public Transport complaints : Dept. of creative excuses

New recruit Toby on his first day at London transport, to his surprise he is checked off a list and is then ushered downstairs to a mysterious basement room with the notice 'Dept. of creative excuses'. Their head is Sid, a typical old style trade union type, braces, shirt sleeves rolled up and a rapid on the go attitude. He is slightly over the top however, very pumped and quirky.

Sid; "Ah, the new boy, good lad, get yourself in, work to do".

Toby; "Right, ok. I'm er, Toby."

Sid; "Very nice to meet you Toby, I'd love to stand and chat but I'd better show you what goes on. Get you up to speed as it was, things to do, people to deceive.

Puts arm around Toby and ushers him along at speed, we now pass through various parts of the Dept. with Sid educating Toby and interacting with his staff.

John: At desk speaking into Microphone "Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for the disruption to the Tram link service today, this is due to Industrial action….(muffles voice and crackles so no-one could possibly hear), ….in Poland.

Sid: Points "Watch it John, we all like a laugh but keep it simple lad, don't get cocky",

John: "Sorry Sid."

Sid: "Right then young Toby, as you can see this is where it all happens."

Toby: "Where what happens exactly?"

Sid: "The creation of beauty Toby. The fiction of placation. We have, in this Country many splendid things; Tea, Cricket, Richard Stilgoe and ruddy cheeked plump Farmers daughters. Unfortunately though, we do have a transport system that's crumbling faster than a leper in a centrifuge. You see we have trains with more breakdowns than a psychiatric ward, trams that are shams and buses that make Lord Lucan look ubiquitous. This is where we come in Son,(proud) we provide the punters with the reasons; we cover arses, soothe brows and protect the status Quo. Without us Toby (grave) it would be anarchy"

Sid whirls and starts motivating the room with clicks of his fingers.

Sid: "RIGHT! What'ya got for me boys, come on, hit with what you've got. Feel the steel! COME ON!" (Sid flexes his bicep as he says this last part.)

Terry; "Sid, we've got trouble on the Bakerloo, I've announced an overflow of tramps but it looks like head office have already put it down to Gypsies."

Sid: "Those silly buggers, crossed wires. Okay damage limitation, make it ambiguous, change it to as yet unidentified smelly people."

Terry: "Got it guv."

Sid; "Charlie, status from the lab please?"

Charlie wear a lab coat and proverbial specs, consults clip-board

Charlie: "We're still working hard on the 3 wrong types of snow you requested, but we can only get 2 at the moment"

Sid; "You know I need 3 by Tuesday week Charlie, we move onto the winter menu next week".

Charlie; "I know Sid; we've been working flat out".

Sid; "Come on Charlie, we all know excuses are like arses, we've all got 'em and they all stink. 3 by Tuesday lad".

Charlie; "I'll do me best Sid; one good piece of news is that prototype for the particularly virulent strain of fog is looking good and you'll like this Sid, Radioactive leaves." (Holds up a glowing green leaf.)

Sid; "You got to love the boffins. Good work Charlie."

Sid; "See Toby, this is the nerve centre of British transport, the nerve centre. That's right son, you got to have some bloody nerve to think up gems like these. Neville here is working on a very long term project: The Jubilee Line extension. What've you got for us Nev?"

Nev; "Well Sid it's been tough this week, I gotta say there's not a lot coming to me at the moment."

Sid: "Well what have you got?"

Nev: "Er, well, there's (Looks at notes) Ghosts?

Sid; "No Nev, No".

Nev; (Hopefully) "Unicorns?"

Sid; "Don't start with those again Nev. Right, 'ang on. Think more physical; Minor floods caused by sweat? Hmm, Unexploded WW1 Mine. Actually…No. Sod it go with the Ghosts. It's punchy."

Nev; "Ta Sid."

Sid; "You got it." (Points and clicks fingers) You starting to see the picture now Toby? Leaves on the line, wrong kind of Ice, wrong kind of snow. All good solid excuses, but the public are wising up; we need newer lines, innovations! As incompetence reaches new levels we've got to stay with it. Watch this. JOHN! Gimme a situation"

John; "Okay, there's still the logjam with the Buses"

Sid: "Ah yes, buses aren't coming down oxford St. I've got this, Otters…Otters…Otters,,, I'm getting this, don't interrupt me….Ottersssss, Drayyyyy…OTTERS DRAY (triumphant) At Marble Arch! Newly unearthed, can't be touched till the RSPCA arrives. Two dayer, it's a two day area.

Terry; "You're the best at over-ground transport Sid."

Sid; "That's what I'm paid for lad".

Terry; "Over here Sid, we've got leaves on the line..."

Sid; "Well deal with it then Tel".

Terry; (Suddenly see him holding up phone) "No, it's Derek Leaves from Depot Sid"

Sid; "Sod it, I'll call him back."

END

Apologies, it was in an old Word Doc written before I knew that fact. Wish I had done, as it would have stopped a lot of annoying fiddling. I've now got Final Draft which makes things easier, a lot easier. I just need to convert all my stuff over. And I'm lazy. Thanks for the heads up tho Griff.

I quite liked this Lord S

It has an "old school" (meant in a nice way) feel to it and the piece picked up pace nicely. Mind probably not quickly enough for some who would have a sketch gonged off if it doesn't have a belly laugh by the end of the second syllable.

Maybe the subject matter was past its sell-by date for some and for others it might be seen as not being edgy enough and not in yer face enough either, but for me it worked.

Only other comment I'd make is that it's a bit dense word wise and reads more like an excerpt from a sitcom rather than a sketch.

Thanks Blenkinsop, I think you're right, there is a bit of an old feel undoubtedly, I do have loads of sketches of differing tones but that is probably the most 'old school' in feel. Looking at it again after some time I think there's lots of sharpening I can do, think I can inprove some of the 'excuses'. Cheers.

Isn't it quite revolting that someone has to call their work 'a fresh kill for y'all'? i.e. have we become like, y'know, those other sites?

As I say, this is all new, I'll learn.

Quote: Fabulous Andy @ February 2 2009, 12:42 AM GMT

Isn't it quite revolting that someone has to call their work 'a fresh kill for y'all'? i.e. have we become like, y'know, those other sites?

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Again Simon Thordox would like to apologise for prior vitriolic remarks made whilst under gin influence, and if this remark is in any way directed at his previous outbursts, Simon Thordox would willingly doff the imaginary hat of sorry, before laying the embroidered hankerchief of embarassment over the muddy puddle of hurt feelings, and prance happily along side the horse-cart of reconciliation whilst those inside listen to his gay-whistled tune of togetherness.

Simon Thordox is a man who can accept his mistakes, and Simon Thordox has open arms for all except drunk French chauffeurs.

I like the feeling you've got of a hectic newspaper office or police incident room. But it's a bit wordy and confused. I think the strongest idea is that this is a government department that physically manufactures stupid problems (like radioactive leaves) just to explain away more mundane ones.

You could try to make it more about that. And if you have a sign on the door at the beginning you don't need the boss to give a long explanation of what's happening. Though that paragraph is nicely worded.

I think that's good feedback about moving toward a Dept. that manufactures outlandish excuses. It might give a more consistent tone, shall give that thought, thanks.

Judging by what Boris Johnson anfd Members of Transport for London were saying today, I reckon that that department actually exists.

So yours would never get produced, it's too true to life & would get sat upon by the powers that be.

Good idea. Reduce and sharpen dialogue.

Consider expanding concept beyond London Transport - perhaps into a covert Ministry environment? This would give scope to include political topics.