First Post. How Much Sketch

Here's a sketch my co writer and I wrote. We're possibly going to adapt it for stage for a sketch show sometime in the next year. Let me know what you think.

How much?

scene 1utsideay

A man, BEN from Reading aged between 20-25 knocks on the front door of a house, the door is opened by a man ROY from Sheffield aged 50-55.

ROY

Alright Ben, you after our Liz? She's just upstairs putting her face on, you know what she's like Ugly..no only joking that's our Jean. Come in.

scene 2:living roomay

ROY walks BEN into the living room.

ROY

Sit down Ben, cup of tea?

ben

No I'm good thanks

ROY

No course not. It's all mocca chocca loccas these days int it? Can a get you a lager, I bet you'd have a lager.

BEN

Best not, I'm driving. Thanks though

ROY

Ah you're right, don't want you killing my daughter eh? (Beat) LOL, eh Ben? LOL?

BEN

Sorry?

ROY

you know, LOL. Laugh. Out. Loud? Thats what you young'ens say int it?

BEN

Oh right, yea I suppose so

ROY

I'm not daft Ben. Nowt gets passed me

Roy sits down. There is an awkward silence

ROY

Ey up Ben I've got something you'll like, wait there

ROY gets up and walks out of a door

BEN gets out his phone and begins writing a text. JEAN Roy's wife enters through a different door.

JEAN

Oh hiya Ben didn't hear you come in, do you want a cup of tea?

BEN

Er, no thank you

JEAN

lager?

BEN

best not

JEAN

Cause not it's all hoochies and Bacardi freezers these days int it? I'll go and tell Lizzie to get a move on.

ROY returns wearing a red leather jacket, hes standing in front of Ben.

ROY

What do you think?

Ben continues to text

ROY

Ben....Benjamin!

BEN

Oh sorry

ROY

(showing off the jacket)

So what do you think?

BEN

Yea it's nice

ROY

Have a guess how much?

BEN

Don't know, how much?

ROY

Have a guess

BEN

I really don't know

ROY

If you were to buy it how much would you pay

BEN

I probably wouldn't buy it

ROY

but if you had too, how much would you pay?

BEN

I honestly wouldn't know

ROY

Okay, bearing in mind it's genuine leather...

ROY sniffs the jacket

ROY

...which it is. If you had to, how much would you pay for a real leather jacket in one of your fancy shops?

BEN

erm, 160-170 quid?

ROY

It's leather Benjamin not gold! Come on how much RRP, recommended. Retail. Price?

BEN

ok, erm 10 to 15 quid?

BEN

Rubbish, more than that! come on Ben think, consider the number of pockets. one, two,three, four (beat) and that's just on the outside.

BEN

Seriously Roy your asking wrong person

ROY sighs

ROY

Okay, tell you what have a sniff

BEN

I'd rather not Roy thanks

ROY

Go on have a sniff

BEN

I'm okay Roy

ROY

Have a sniff!

BEN

I'm sorry I honestly don't know

ROY

Right, imagine (grabs a lamp and holds an imaginary gun to it)I've got your girlfriend, my daughter, at gun point and all I'm asking you is to have a sniff and have a guess

JEAN walks in

JEAN

Roy will you keep it down I'm trying to watch 'Murder she wro...'?! What you doing with my best lamp?

ROY

Your daughters at gun point Jean, and he won't sniff my leather!

LIZZIE comes down stairs

LIZZIE

I'm ready babe

Smiling ROY quickly puts everything back in place and acts normal again

ROY

Right then, always nice to see you Ben, you kids have a good night

ROY follows the couple to the front door and notices Ben's car on the drive

ROY

That your motor Ben?

BEN

Yea

ROY

Very nice, very nice, how much that set you back? In fact let me guess..er 12 er 12, 1250?

BEN

(Hurriedly) Yep. Bang on, well done Roy, see you later.

BEN and LIZZIE leave the house, ROY closes the door and looks at JEAN

ROY

See that? bang on, didn't even sniff it

SCENE 3: BEN'S BED LATER: INT: NIGHT

BEN and LIZZIE are in bed together cuddling

BEN

Good night babe

BEN turns out the lamp. After a few beats the sound of a text message alert is heard, LIZZIE turns on the lamp and picks up her phone

LIZZIE

That's weird

BEN

What is it?

LIZZIE

It's a message from my Dad, but I haven't got a clue what he's on about

BEN

Why, whats it say?

LIZZIE

Tell Ben

(beat)

4.90 car boot

I like the middle bit but the ending is a little weak. Needs to finish with a bit more of a punch IMO.

Hello Seldom Differ, and welcome.

I read a bit of this, but I'm afraid I didn't get very far.

I read this bit:

Quote: Seldom Differ @ January 31 2009, 10:55 PM GMT

Here's a sketch my co writer and I wrote. We're possibly going to adapt it for stage for a sketch show sometime in the next year. Let me know what you think.

View original

Funnily enough, in the absence of "please" or any other notion of politeness in your very first post on this forum, I couldn't be arsed to read the rest.

Rant over, and with the caveat that I haven't read the sketch, I think it's fairly certain that it's nowhere near as good as you think it is.

Quote: Badge @ February 1 2009, 1:01 AM GMT

Hello Seldom Differ, and welcome.

I read a bit of this, but I'm afraid I didn't get very far.

I read this bit:

Funnily enough, in the absence of "please" or any other notion of politeness in your very first post on this forum, I couldn't be arsed to read the rest.

Rant over, and with the caveat that I haven't read the sketch, I think it's fairly certain that it's nowhere near as good as you think it is.

View original

Really sorry about that Badge, and everyone. Didn't mean to be rude at all, although reading it back it does come across that way.

Can we start again please. Thanks guys, I'll be minding my manners if future

If only I always had this influence! SD, your humble apology is gratefully accepted, with the result that I've read the rest.

I'm not sure you've written a sketch as much as scenes from a sitcom or comedy drama. What's there is amusing enough - the Dad is a pretty decent character for sure, if a bit familiar. The fact that you are planning on doing this on stage means you can adapt it according to what works and what doesn't, but in terms of pace and gags I think it didn't have enough "oomph". I'm sure more will come from you controlling the stage version, but it didn't jump off the page.

The final "scene" added little.

Hope that helps!

I agree with Badge here - this isn't really a sketch.
Some amusing little bits here and there.
I found a few of the referances a little off putting "murder she wrote" and "hooch" - I'd update those a bit and then write more to turn this into a half an hour sitcom - and up the gag count.

Good Luck

Hi SD

With the number of differing locations you'd have huge difficulties staging this live.

Also the father says the jacket costs more than £15 and then at the end it's £4.90.

Hi SD;: Agree with what Badge has said about it being scenes from a sitcom or Comdrama and what Dolly D said about the cost of the jacket. I like Roy who has the trait of asking how much things are. I hate those people. Develop it.