Hi, this is my very first sketch that I may enter into the competition. Any thoughts?
EXT. NEXT TO A TRAFFIC LIGHTS IN CENTRAL LONDON - DAY. MAN APPROACHES A GAGGLE OF CELEBRITIES INCLUDING; ROSS KEMP, VICTORIA BECKHAM, BRADLEY WALSH, SACHA BARON COHEN, JORDAN AND BILL ODDIE.
ROSS: Alright mate?
MAN: Yea
ROSS: You recognized us across the other side of the street didn't you?
VICTORIA: Came over to say hi?
MAN: No, I just need to get-
ROSS: You want to congratulate me for my role in Eastenders, right?
MAN: Well actually I don't watch Eastenders-
BRADLEY: Ha ha Ross, I told you he was a Corrie fan!
BRADLEY WALSH TURNS TO MAN
BRADLEY: Hey, ask me to say “You're outstaying your welcome!”
MAN: Right, I don't quite know what that's supposed to mean.
BRIEF PAUSE. SACHA BARON CHOEN STARTS WRITING ON A PIECE OF PAPER.
SACHA: Can I give you my autograph?
MAN: Alright. Who's it from?
SACHA GIVES MAN THE PIECE OF PAPER.
SACHA: Sacha
MAN: Hi Sacha
SACHA: Oh call me Borat. After all that is how you know me. You know, in my illustrious television and film career that is.
VICTORIA: Hey, ask to take a picture of me with you.
MAN: I don't really want-
VICTORIA: Please. Pretty please with sugar on top and-
MAN: OK! Can I take a picture of you with me?
VICTORIA PUTS HER HAND IN FRONT OF HER FACE
VICTORIA: No pictures please!
MAN STARTS TO LEAVE
MAN: Right well I've got to-
ROSS KEMP GETS IN MAN'S WAY
ROSS: You're my biggest fan aren't you?
JORDAN: Yea, I bet your bedroom walls are plastered with posters of me topless.
MAN: No. If you you must know I'm gay.
BILL: So you've got posters of me topless then?
MAN PUSHES BILL ODDIE ASIDE
MAN: Look I really have to go.
ROSS: Ooo, going to watch Wednesday's rerun in 15 minutes on BBC3 are we?
MAN: No, I'm going to a bookshop on Tottenham Court Road.
BRADLEY: What a co-incidence, that's exactly where we're all heading. Come on guys!
THE CELEBRITIES SLOWLY WALK AWAY LOOKING BACK AT THE MAN. HE ISN'T MOVING.
VICTORIA: What are you waiting for, it's gonna close soon. You won't be able to buy my new book on fashion, it's a steal at just £9.99.
MAN: Alright, I'll go.
MAN STARTS TO WALK OFF. HAVING REALIZED THIS THEY WALK AWAY AT NORMAL PACE.
BRADLEY: Look we've got a stalker!
VICTORIA: You think we're meant to be together don't you?
MAN: Look, stop forcing me to follow you!
ROSS: OK, you're right.
THE CELEBRITIES STOP WALKING. ROSS KEMP WALKS UP CLOSE TO THE MAN.
ROSS: Take out addresses.
ROSS KEMP PUTS A PIECE OF PAPER IN THE MAN'S HAND AND FORCES IT SHUT.
ROSS: You'll send me your soiled underwear won't you.
BILL: And send me some pubic hairs.
STARTLED, THE MAN WALKS BRISKLY IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. THE CELEBRITIES CHASE AFTER HIM.
JORDAN: Go on, give us a quick flash!
BILL: Yea, show us your penis!
THE MAN GETS INTO A TAXI AND LEANS OUT OF THE WINDOW.
MAN: Psychos!
THE TAXI SPEEDS OFF. THE CELEBIRITES STAND THERE WATCHING. ROSS KEMPS SHOUTS OUT AT THE MAN.
ROSS: But you love us!
