The worst date ever!

Well I crashed and burned in the Gossip comp last week....in fact I'm slightly worried the judge was looking at me when he mention perverted entries!!! So I thought I'd post this filth here for crits and giggles!

SCENE: INT -- CORRIDOR IN A BIG OFFICE BUILDING.

JOHN
Hi Sarah. I'm so glad I bumped into you. I lost my phone so I haven't been able to call you back.

SARAH
Oh dear!

JOHN
I had a great time on our date.

SARAH
Right. I've got a bit of a confession to make John. I'm afraid I've been spreading a few rumours about you.

JOHN
You what?

SARAH
Well you have to see it from my point of view. You didn't call me back so I thought you were an Asshole.

JOHN
You've been telling people I'm an Asshole?

SARAH
If only!

JOHN
What have you said?

SARAH
Well. I've said you have a small Penis.

JOHN
No!

SARAH
I'm sorry. It just sort of slipped out. No pun intended.

JOHN
I can't believe you said that!

SARAH
That's not all. You see, I didn't want people to think I was a Slut so I had to explain how I saw your Penis without involving sex.

JOHN
How?

SARAH
I said we were in a restaurant and you kept showing it to the Waiter.

JOHN
That's crazy! No one would believe that!

SARAH
Of course they wouldn't. Unless...

JOHN
Unless what?

SARAH
Unless they were also told you were 'off your face' on Cocaine.

JOHN
And were they told that?

SARAH
I'm afraid so.

JOHN
How could you do this to me?

SARAH
And after we were thrown out of the restaurant.

JOHN
There's more?!

SARAH
You were arrested for taking a dump on the pavement!

JOHN
You bitch!

SARAH
Don't call me a bitch! You're the one who got arrested on our first date!

JOHN
I didn't get arrested!!

SARAH
Oh yeah.

JOHN
This is terrible. So everyone thinks I'm a pavement-poohing, willy-waggling, coke-head?

SARAH
With a small Penis.

JOHN
With a..

(Beat)

SARAH
So when do you want to go out again?

This is filth, very funny filth. I loved it.

Like this a lot. I was baffled by the winning entry. This was much better ... in my opinion (but it's unfortunately not the one that counted.)

I thought that the image of the man coked up and showing his willy to the waiter was by far funnier than the arrest and pooing on pavement so maybe the judges thought it peaked too early?

Thanks a lot, I'm glad you liked it! I think I like the waiter bit better too, always tricky to know when you've gone too far.

"Well I crashed and burned in the Gossip comp last week"

Sorry - did I miss this one?

Comp. was run on Channel 4's 4Laughs site.

Not one of ours then. It does ring a bell now.

It's one of the best sketches I've seen on here. Well crafted but more importantly it's actually very funny. I wouldn't pay any attention to its fairing on that site. Tsk!

I liked it a lot but did think it could do with a trim, if I was being really picky.

I liked it made me laugh a good few time top work mate, I didn't think it was that filthy lol Cocaine makes me laugh I dunno why I have a weird sense of humour

Bloomin Excellent. I lurrrrrved it. More! More! More!

Did they go out again? Or was that a stupid question?

Only thing that bugged me was US smelling of Arsehole. Asshole sounds like one of those American idiots who crashed into someone and is about to settle the ensueing argument with a gun.

Apart from that Bloody Fambloomintastic

Great sketch Shoey - well put together and unlike the alledged 'member'....a good length.

Great sketch ShoePie! Like it lots.

Nick's right -- don't listen to anything on that site. I've only got one point (and that was only cos I mentioned Lenny Henry!)

Bitter Dan