Well that's what drinking Cava does to a person.
As for the hangover the following day, with hand on heart I can honestly say....never has suicide been so tempting, it's tickled my belly before, in a teasing almost sexual way, this however, was like bathing in venom, wanting to strike out at others with their stupid smiling faces and equally banal cheer me up's......
24 hours of abstinence and all was well, a trip to McDonalds (a burger and a few stolen fries from my morbidly obese, chain smoking girlfirend) gave me the opportunity to see fellow turds going about their pointless, futile existance, whilst fording me the opportunity to check out council estate chic teenage girls arses.
It was then I realised I was well on my way to becoming a turd.
I,in 10 years time will probably be, a single parent turd, taking his junior turd out to the cinema or bowling followed by MacDonalds...nice...where ashen faced prostitutes did lurk in the car park...yeah I checked them out too.
The cark park itself being full of not your normal sunday drivers ( No Honda Jazz's or Austin Maestro's) ,yet for some f**king reason prefer to order, pay for, then eat their shite food in their cars.
Why?? Are they ashamed of being seen to eat?
They, being an eater, must therefor be a shitter?
Their inner buttocks smeard with American chain food arse debris?
Obviously they haven't lost the use of their legs as they drive too and from the establishment, but no they cannot get out of their car....for they are a BMW 3 series in spirit and not a turd like me and you.
Without their financed upto to the hilt 4 wheeled arsehole wagon they can't face a normal (non hollyoaks and therefore ugly) person ( a fellow turd in other words )behind a till, face to face and ask for something the same as some other turd in a track suit, for they don't see themselves a turds as they are driving a German car (which may I remind them isn't their's) and therefore are exempt from the turd tax of life...however they are the biggest turds of all as they are kidding themselves and f**king off everyone else, turd and non turd alike.
Anyway as this is the second time I've yanked my bell in this mire, I've decided an edit was defo needed.
'Ladies and gentlemen I am a comedian and I'm here to do stand-up comedy...f**king job centre'.
A STAGE HAND BRINGS ON A CHAIR AND HANDS ME A NOTE. I LOOK AT IT FOR A MOMENT AND THEN TO THE AUDIENCE.
It's from the management, for f**ks sake, just because I've turned 40!
I wouldn't mind but without a rubber ring I'll end up squising me nobby stiles to kingdom come.
I'm every gay man's dream... to have that many textures and not even get balls deep!
I just f**king wouldn't mind,(pause) but they weren't mine to begin with! Pissing NHS, as if the MRSA wasn't enough, routine operation they said, routine?
I went in to have them removed, must of thought I was the Jordan of hemorrhoid world, bigger than ever now, doubt if I'd get my wedding photo's in Hello magazine though....I'd need a girlfriend for a start.....anyone?
That'd mean taking down the John Barrowman pictures that I'd organically glued to my bedroom wall, plus I don't think big arse grapes are sexy.
Anyone? At all? Anywhere?