This is a little idea I've being playing with - a radio sitcom based in a minor non league football club. Allan lamb gets left the club as revenge by a business rival. This is the first bit - my first attempt at a radio sitcom so I'd appricate your views. My worry is it might be a bit gag light. _ It's bit long sorry!
Fx : Sound of door opening and footsteps on tiled floor.
Monica : Wait. Sir, stop. You can't go in there.
Allan : Of course I can.
Fx : Sound of office door opening and woman running.
Monica : I'm so sorry Mr Nelson, I couldn't stop him.
Mark : Like everything else Monica, sheer inefficiency. I'm fed up with it. You can get your stuff and clear out – you're sacked.
Monica: What? Right. Fine. The whole thing's a farce anyway. Stick it up your arse.
Fx : Slams door and the glass shatters
Monica : And you can clear up that yourself too!
Allan : Ship still sinking Nelson?
Mark : Sit down Allan, you're making the place look untidy.
Allan : My money Nelson? Where's my money?
Mark : I don't know? In your piggy bank?
Allan : I've given you enough time. £750 grand. I want paying now (pause) or else.
Mark : Allan I just don't have it.
Fx : Sound of briefcase opening, Papers land on the desk.
Mark : What's this?
Allan : Your car lot's. You're going to sign ownership over to me.
Mark : I'm bloody not. They took me years to build up.
Allan : Come on Nelson be a good boy. I don't want you to have to lose an arm over this.
Mark : But this would leave me with nothing.
Allan : Rubbish! You're still the king of the toilet rolls.
Mark : The bog roll factory is a crap business and you know it.
Allan : Quite frankly Nelson I couldn't care less. Now sign. The debt will be cleared and there'll be no need to get Hardy in here to kiss you goodbye.
Fx: Sound of papers being signed.
Mark : You're an absolute bastard Lamb. One day I'll have my revenge.
Allan : Course you will Nelson, course you will.
Fx: Sound of chair being pushed, man getting up, the door opening and footsteps over broken glass.
Narrator : Two years later, the executive board of Melville Rovers Football Club are meeting.
Fx: Sound of coughing and chairs scrapping.
Mark : So what is the present financial position Secretary Adams?
Harley : Well Mr Chairman, We currently have an overdraft of £30,000 which the bank is refusing to extend, the players wage's need to be paid, we need a new lawn mower for the groundsman and the floodlight maintenance is due.
Mark : And the team's position Joe?
Joe : Second from bottom. Nine points away from safety. Simpson's out for 6 weeks with a groin strain.
Mark : Good. Good. Anything else?
Joe : Julitta's been named in a divorce petition.
Harley : That's the third one. (PAUSE) This season.
Mark : Which player?
Joe : Simpson. How do you think he got the groin strain?
Mark : Why do we persist with her Joe?
Joe : She's cheap.
Mark : Evidently. Look put the feelers out for a new Physiotherapist, we can't keep having this. Anything else?
Harley : Just the food poisoning incident.
Mark : How is Mr Hazel?
Harley : Not good, not good. The police are probably going to interview Mrs Doris.
Mark : Why?
Harley : They think it might be a crime of passion. The theory is that Mr Hazel spurned her advances and he chose Mrs Latimer instead. So they think she may have poisoned his chicken and mushroom pie at the midweek fixture.
Mark : What? They're in their bloody eighties for God's sake.
Harley : True love does funny things Mr Chairman. Oh yes and the Inland Revenue are asking you for a meeting.
Mark : What?
Harley : Yeah. It's quite funny really. They say we should have been paying National Insurance on our player's wages for the last five years. I tell you running this football club is enough to give a bloke a heart attack.
Fx : Sound of Sirens and two people rushing in.
Harley : He just collapsed clutching his chest.
Gram : Peaceful Organ Music
Fx : General atmosphere of church.
Vicar : Mark Nelson's passing came as a shock to us all. He bravely went down with his ship. And now we must all face the future without him.
Narrator : Two week's after the passing of Mark Nelson, Allan Lamb has been called to a meeting at Bescote and Brown Solicitors.
Fx : Buzzer
Receptionist : Mr Bescote will see you now Mr Lamb.
Allan : Thank you.
Fx : Footsteps. Knock on door.
Bescote : Come in.
Fx : Sound of door opening. Man walking and the door closing.
Bescote : Ah Mr Lamb come in take a seat.
Allan : Thank you.
Fx : Sound of chair moving and man sitting down.
Bescote : Well, I must confess I'm a little disappointed.
Allan : Sorry?
Bescote : You aren't him are you?
Allan : I'm not who?
Bescote : Allan Lamb.
Allan : Yes I am.
Bescote : No you're not.
Allan : Yes I am. That's why I'm here, you wanted to meet me.
Bescote : Yes I did Mr Lamb, but you aren't Allan Lamb are you?
Allan : Yes I bloody well am. Look I've got identification.
Bescote : Yes Mr Lamb I know you're Allan Lamb. But you aren't Allan Lamb are you?
Allan : I'm bloody confused now.
Bescote : The ex England cricketer Allan Lamb, I was rather hoping you might be him.
Allan : No I'm not.
Bescote : Yes I can see that.
Allan : Well I apologise.
Bescote : For what?
Allan : For not being Allan Lamb.
Bescote : Oh, so you're not Allan Lamb. I was expecting a Mr Lamb. Who are you then?
Allan : Allan Lamb.
Bescote : I'm sorry I'm confused now.
Allan : Look you sent me, Allan Lamb, this letter requesting this meeting. I can assure you that I'm a very busy man. If there has been some kind of mistake?
Bescote : Right, yes. No. Sorry Mr Lamb. No mistake.
Allan : Shall we get on with it then?
Bescote : Are you aware of Mr Mark Nelson.
Allan : Yeap Nelson was a former business umm umm associate of mine. I read he'd passed on recently. I haven't seen him in (pause) what? Two years now.
Bescote : Were you close?
Allan : Close? Well thinking about it?
Fx : Dream sounds
Mark : Allan, don't come any closer. No please, please. Alan no don't break it.
Fx : Dream sounds fade away.
Allan : Yes thinking about it we were quite close for a period.
Bescote : Well I'm pleased to tell you that Mr Nelson has left you a little something in his will.
Allan : Really, what? God not the bog roll factory please, he'd knew he'd I hate that.
Bescote : No Mr Lamb he has left you his interest in a small non league football club Melville Rovers.
Allan : Melville Rovers? A football club? Never heard of them.
Bescote : Yes they play in the Arthur's Friendly Bootfair league.
Allan : Not exactly Manchester United is it?
Bescote : No that's true. It's some nine divisions below the Premier League.
Allan : A football club? What the hell do I want with a football club.
Bescote : I don't know sir? But football is very big business these days. The top clubs are worth hundreds of millions of pounds. Just think of the adoration, the glory, fans chanting your name.
Fx – Atmos of large football stadium. The crowd is chanting Lamb, Lamb, Lamb.
Commentator – These truly are amazing scenes here in the Caldron of the Bernibau Stadium in Barcelona. The players have lifted Chairman Allan Lamb on their shoulders and taking him on a lap of honer. It really is quite amazing what Lamb has achieved in just ten years at the club. Every year they gained promotion and now in their very first season in the Champions League they have just hammered Barcelona 5-1 to reach the final. Truly, truly amazing scenes. Oh and now Lamb jumps down and embraces manager David Beckham.
Fx – Atmos of football stadium fades away.
Allan – I don't get it? Why would Nelson leave me anything?
Bescote – Well there is a slight problem.
Allan – Here we go.
Bescote _ The club is in a little financial difficultly.
Allan – How little?
Bescote – Only a little.
Allan - Hitler was only little and look at the trouble he caused.
Bescote – Well it has a liability to the revenue, a liability to the bank, a liability to Smith's lawnmowers, outstanding wage payments and a compensation payment to a Mr Hazel.
Allan – How much?
Bescote -£240,000.
Allan - Bloody Hell!
Bescote –Well quite! But I'm afraid that's just the revenue's liability. The total amount required is £324,000
Allan – Bloody Hell!
Bescote – Quite a sum.
Allan – So I'm meant to stump it up am I.
Bescote – No Sir, If you as the owner of the club are not prepared to invest further funds we will wind everything up and sell the ground. It's value is estimated at £325,000 so there would be funds to clear the debt. But of course gone would be chance of everlasting glory.
Fx - Football stadium atmos – chants of Lamb, Lamb, Lamb ring out.
Allan – okay I'll do it.
Bescote – Excellent sir, I'll get the papers drawn up then.