INT. A MESSY FLAT - DAY
PIZZA BOXES LITTER THE TABLE. THERE ARE HALF-EATEN SANDWICHES ALL OVER THE PLACE AND PINT GLASSES WITH SUSPICIOUS LOOKING LIQUIDS OF DIFFERENT COLOURS HERE AND THERE. IT'S A COMPLETE TIP.
THE DOOR OPENS AND GARY COMES IN. HE'S CARRYING SOME LETTERS IN HIS HAND. HE SIFTS THROUGH THEM.
GARY:
Bill…bill…bill.
HE THROWS THEM ONTO THE TABLE. THE DOOR OPENS AGAIN NEV ENTERS.
NEV:
Wotcher cock. What's going on mate?
GARY:
This and that pal…Glad I've caught you cos, thing is mate, I need to have a word. It's serious.
NEV SITS DOWN:
NEV:
Sounds bad.
GARY:
Yeah it is mate. Look…I don't know how to tell you this but we're…
HE TRAILS OFF BURYING HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS
NEV:
We're?....Yeah?...We're what mate?
GARY:
We're two of the principal characters in yet another wacky young guys flat share sitcom!
NEV:
Nah you've got that wrong Gaz. My agent told me that this is going to be a modern family thing. Word is Pauline Quirke's signed up from episode two.
GARY:
You've been done up son. Pauline wouldn't touch this with a bargepole. This is just another dud. Total S H one T.
NEV:
How can you be sure? You might have got it wrong. This is going to be the new Only Fools. I've been promised.
GARY:
Don't believe me? OK fair enough, but in a minute our wacky left-field third flatmate is gonna arrive. Then you'll see.
NOISE OF DOOR SLAMMING AND THEN NIGE ENTERS. HE'S WEARING HIS UNDERPANTS OVER HIS TROUSERS AND CARRYING A BUNCH OF GLADIOLI IN HIS HAND.
CANNED LAUGHTER GOES INTO OVERDRIVE
NIGE:
Hi-de-hi campers…
THE ACTION FREEZES
VO:
Have you been duped by a disreputable casting agent? Has your fledgling career been knackered by you appearing in a load of cack? Let's face it you're sitting at home in the middle of the day watching GOLD when you should be out on a shoot somewhere. So something's gone pffft!
Maybe you used to be supporting character in a big ratings success only to accept a starring role in new show that's subsequently bombed?
That's where we come in. The stitched-up comedy actors' guild is here to help you get your career back on track. We'll fight your case on a no win no fee basis.
Our operators are standing by for your call now. Don't get bitter get even. Call us now. That panto gig next year with Nick Berry is just a call away.
END:
