A short sketch quickly cobbled together.
INT. OPERATING THEATRE - DAY
TWO SURGEONS AND A NURSE DRESSED IN SCRUBS SURROUND AN OPERATING TABLE ON WHICH LIES A PATIENT.
NURSE
Now before we begin we have to run through this new checklist to make sure everything is as it should be.
SURGEON 1
If we must.
NURSE
One, are we in a hospital?
THE LOOK AROUND. THERE IS MUTTERED AGREEMENT
NURSE
Good. Two, are we surgeons, doctors or other qualified medical staff required to carry out the imminent operation?
AGAIN MUTTERED AGREEMENT
SURGEON 2
Actually, I'm a brick layer. Should I not be here?
NURSE
Erm... it doesn't mention brick layers.
SURGEON 1
He can stay if he wants, doesn't bother me.
NURSE
I think you'll have to go - just to be on the safe side. Sorry about that.
THE BUILDER SHRUGS AND LEAVES
NURSE
Three, have you washed your hands?
SURGEON 1
What, ever?
NURSE
Doesn't say. I think it probably means today at least though that is a guess.
SURGEON 1
Let's think -I was definitely in the gents, I remember because last night's curry came back at me with a vengeance - shitting steam I was. Arse like a Japanese flag.
NURSE
And your hands?
SURGEON 1
(WIPING HANDS ON GOWN) Just say yes. Next.
NURSE
Four, have you had an alcoholic drink the last 24 hours?
SURGEON 1
Ah! Well reminded.
THE SURGEON TAKES OUT A HIP FLASK AND TAKES A SWIG.
SURGEON 1
Ah, that;'s the stuff. Nothing like a nip of absinthe to focus the mind, eh?
HE OFFERS IT TO THE NURSE.
NURSE
Absolutely
SHE TAKES THE FLASK AND HAS A GULP.
Hoo Hah! Now, where were we? Twelve. Is your landing gear in working order?
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THE SURGEON'S HAND MOVES SLOWLY TO HIS CROTCH.
SURGEON 1
No complaints.
NURSE
Thirteen. Check your flaps.
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THE NURSE'S HAND BEGINS TO MOVE TO HER CROTCH BUT SHE STOPS.
NURSE
You know I think these checklist may have got mixed up somehow.
SURGEON 1
I think you're right. I mean, all that stuff about washing your hands - pfft, Who are they - my mum?
THEY LAUGH. THE NURSE THROWS AWAY THE CHECKLIST.
SURGEON 1
Right, let's get this fat bastard carved open. Nurse, would pass me the trowel and spirit level please.
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
SURGEON 1
Go get him.
END