A HOME SHOPPING CHANNEL STUDIO WHERE TWO MEN ARE SEATED ON A COUCH WEARING REGULATION 'GRANNY-FRIENDLY' SWEATERS. THEY ARE TALKING IN THE COSY FAUX-EXCITED WAY THAT SUCH PRESENTERS TEND TO TALK ABOUT ALL PRODUCTS.
COLIN: Welcome back to Alex and Colin's "High Tech Tat" on PVC.
ALEX: That's: Price. Value. Cost.
COLIN: And, of course, contractually we are obliged to point out that 'Value' has been defined by the PVC legal team as 'cheap'.
ALEX: Much like the Tesco 'value' range of biscuits.
COLIN: Yes. You know they're essentially reconstituted sawdust but they'll do for Auntie Madge with the lazy eye and Uncle Pete who can't taste anything since the incident with the toasting fork.
ALEX: And they're cheap.
COLIN: So very cheap. But speaking of toasting forks, Alex if anyone out there is feeling a bit peckish and fancies some hot bread –based snacks, we have just the product for them.
ALEX: Indeed we do Colin. The Takadochi 400 hot-bread-a-matic. The absolute cutting edge of toasting technology from the Republic of Myanmar.
COLIN: Renowned as it is, for cutting edge design and tasty wheat-based snacks. And it's not just bread. This little baby can handle muffins, crumpets, bagels…
ALEX: (interrupting) I bet it would even do croissants, if you flatten them down a bit...
COLIN: (Firmly butting in) No Alex, never, ever croissants. Not since the great Yangon hotel fire of 2006.
ALEX: (chastened) Oh.
COLIN: Although, of course the Takadochi 400 was almost completely ruled out as the primary source of the blaze.
ALEX: And this little baby is worth the risk, it is packed full of both science AND technology. Take for example the thermoputer technology.
COLIN: Yes, that's certainly a vast improvement on conventional toasting devices, using as it does NASA-inspired heat transfer systems and radiated heat technology.
ALEX: Wow! They use these on the Space Shuttle?
COLIN: I said NASA-inspired Alex, just as it says in the briefing sheet.
ALEX: (clearly beginning to lose it) So actually nothing to do with NASA?
COLIN: NASA did indeed use the Takadochi 400 for the toasting needs of its staff <BEAT> before the fire.
ALEX: (reading his sheet) And what is 'radiated heat technology'?
COLIN: Erm, that's heated wires like…
ALEX: (interrupting) Like in an ordinary toaster?
COLIN: Well, yes.
ALEX: And the thermoputer?
COLIN: Timer for the heater.
ALEX: (losing it big-time) It's a bloody toaster! A bog-standard toaster! And we're trying to make it sound like something off Star Trek! I can't believe I'm doing this. I used to be the science correspondent for channel 4 news you know.
COLIN: Well <BEAT> that was before the infamous interview with Stephen Hawkins.
ALEX: Well, to be fair, no one had warned me he was, you know, like that.
COLIN: Differently abled.
ALEX: Yes. That.
COLIN: So what was it you said when he turned up?
ALEX: (very defensive) I'm not sure I can remember.
COLIN: Well, on YouTube it sounds a bit like: "Move along Davros, Professor Hawkins doesn't want the likes of you interrupting his interview".
ALEX: Yes.
COLIN: And, of course, that's when you described the greatest scientific mind of this and many other generations as a "motorised gimp".
ALEX: Sort of.
COLIN: So, perhaps best not to get uppity about the products then.
ALEX: No, probably not.
COLIN: Well, the next item is a combination nose hair clipper and theodolite.
ALEX: (head in his hands) Oh God, my career!